Chinie Blogs,

 

This is a chinie diary only

blog site about Chinie. Chinie is a UK songwriter who has written a lot of songs. Like a lot of us gurls out there, laughs, yaps, sings and does what a lot of gurls love to do. This is just a blog on chinie began to do from around Christmas 2008.  If your reason to chinie is not good,  please do not come to this site.  You are not welcome... but you may peep.

 

 

 

Psss.....If you are a member of the media please feel free to drop me an email  via my webspace messagebox at....www.chinie.com  I dont go there but you can and you can messgae me from there.  I'd be in touch.  If you are a member of the public who has something in mind do so too. This is a only just a reallife bio memoir diary that started as a rant from Dec 2008. You do know why it was a rant dont you if you if you are smart?  Please feel free to contact me the same way,  or through the social networking site you may have come here from. If you are not a friend yet on that site you can add yourself and do so or email me through my webpage.  No probs. This is only because what started a a rant blog/diary is something else now so...  If you are not a media member and want an interview or any enquiries,  please message through my webspace messagebox.  If you want a permit to use an excerpt from the autobiographical diary please message me through the box.  But it only covers a certain timeframe up until 2010....but I may change it

 

Note: This is a very simple diary blog site that may be what it is only possibly to some. It is not based on anyone else but the artist Chinie nor ever intended so. Seeing through my language helps you know me a little way before anyone else portrays. There are no photos of Chinie nor of anyone else downloaded off any internet sites or off many various sites on here so dont be dissapointed as it is not a blog based on any analytical, simple or even extreme research findings that may be complete with photographs or not of anyone that simply carry on to give a good time. If you know how to do research, you'd be very good. Fact is with everybody sometimes, circumstances are always always subject to change. Except where put by the great one because for such there is nothing at all anyone can do. I know that. So the story goes on... Its not about who had the most this or that, or ate the most pies, armani, etc, its all fun etc... But who knows one day I may want to blog such nonsense....

 

London blog:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blessings:

 

 

Its one of those cold  winter morning, when I feel I ought to be in my mojo.  I have been atossing with thoughts all over my mind in the night.  We gurls all have our issues you know. I write tracks but due to certain reasons I have decided to write more. I enjoy it at times like this. I have decided to explore the journalia ladee side of me more.  we are people of circumstance. Yesterday, yesterday was soo good.  Tonight, I found myself thinking about all the things I read today. Every morning you read things.  Things that people did, what they did and all sorts of stories like that.  It really is a blessing to live anonymously. Without your face on every corner. I am glad I am not out in that sort of way, today that is as I realise, that I am so unprepared, and to think I had thought I was.

 

 

What's in a Day? 

I love to sing the track, 'Bless My Day' which I am sure you will know if you are reading this site.  You may have bought it on a download, or probably seen it on TV or heard it somewhere on some station. You would be hearing more of it as the days go by. I would never forget the day that song came. Although I write quite a few tracks, a lot, I knew it was God.  Everything about it said so, and I know what I'm talking about. I always listen to that. Have to.

 

 

 

 

Hey lovely people,  I've had to temporarily move my blog.  You may have to get it as a book if you regularly visit here or watch it since its a story on mua because I want it this way for now.  If I have to I will simply immediately put it back simply exactly as it was. When I first put the blog it was asked to write as happened that I didnt even want to.  I dont wanna tell everyone things going on but its a diary.  If I put it back or when i put it back,  this message had be temporily removed.  Message was clear so I did as it hapened. Some people like people to know so I was told to and I'm sure it'd be back but in a different way. If it didnt happen, it wouldnt be written.  I do music but now books too maybe because of.... Must be told. And I love artistic.  Check back later though.  I could be told to put it back. I also know that sometimes some people may try to make me NOT to do it but I want to.  Been read by thousands and thousands already free.  So many know what they read. 

 

 

 

Okay Changed my Mind and put it back temporarily. Simply from my email.  

 

 
Blessings:
 
 
Its one of those cold  winter morning, when I feel I ought to be in my mojo.  I have been atossing with thoughts all over my mind in the night.  We gurls all have our issues you know. I write tracks but due to certain reasons I have decided to write more. I enjoy it at times like this. I have decided to explore the journalia ladee side of me more.  we are people of circumstance. Yesterday, yesterday was soo good.  Tonight, I found myself thinking about all the things I read today. Every morning you read things.  Things that people did, what they did and all sorts of stories like that.  It really is a blessing to live anonymously. Without your face on every corner. I am glad I am not out in that sort of way, today that is as I realise, that I am so unprepared, and to think I had thought I was.
 
 
What's in a Day? 
I love to sing the track, 'Bless My Day' which I am sure you will know if you are reading this site.  You may have bought it on a download, or probably seen it on TV or heard it somewhere on some station. You would be hearing more of it as the days go by. I would never forget the day that song came. Although I write quite a few tracks, a lot, I knew it was God.  Everything about it said so, and I know what I'm talking about. I always listen to that. Have to.
 
 
 
Why I need One:
 
Consider this tale:
 
I need one because I have got to make do.  I need one because I have needs too.
I need one because when I find this or do that and mischivious takes this or takes that ,then I have to now find this or find that. The endless circle goes on and on. I never thought so before, but then it rings. Pehaps before I thought I only just wanted one but I know now, and it is crystal clear that I need one. So I'm going to take a bite at the apple.
 
 
 
tale sound familiar to you?
 
 
Jan 2nd 2009:
 
I have moved out of my place.  Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing.  The house was getting spooky. That is not the main reason but I am glad to be with family at this point hopefully for a short time.  That's the plan anyway. I am hoping to leave for the US by the end of the year for good.  I am tired. Unless things are so promising here. I spent new year in my bed, can you believe it.  I slept through the new year.  'Are you not going to see anyone today' friends and family ask me, 'Are you not strange'?  'No' I reply, I am spending this awful new year in my bed.  There is all this nonsense in the news of who is number one in the nasty UK music charts.  I am blaming some people who are responsible. 'Weirdo' I am told, 'Imagine spending new year and even christmas in bed'.  However I am glad because I have had lonelier Christmases and New Years spent alone when I lived alone, but I did not feel that because I was so busy. .  I know my so called 'release' has had to be due to the things that were out there suddenly.  I dont like X factor.  Simple.  everything about it and its constant over bogused monopoly I dislike.  Simple as that. It is designed to line a particular pocket and always laways seems contrary to me to all it is.  Worse still, my little was no match for the promotional funds poured in. Yuk.  So I was glad there were just people around.  My mind was on one thing.  MTV UK had already given me a go ahead with a twist.  These things are symbolic.  Whatever it was such as water in the tracks I was doing that was God given, I will never forget ever how the is ideas ca.  First I questioned it, of course I questioned everything.  Eventually I was okay with it. Dont get me wrong, I am not saying a person is God , no I am saying God is an artist.  family style parties of which I went to none.
 
Oh its a wicked world. For some reason I seem to loathe terribly everything dished out via final x-facto. Dont like. 
 
 
Jan 10 th 2009:
 
Christmas and new year has now passed.  I am not happy about this .  I send stuff out and so many go missing even thoug recorded.  People claim not to get things.  Here people have the tendency to belive you knock people down, they fall, then you just take their stuff, they are not even thinking, you create your own stuff to make your own individuality,  and its horrible. Also I had a dream a few nights ago shortly after the new year. In the dream I am lying on my bed and  I am going through a copy of either it was the daily sun/daily star/ or the mirror or something like that.  It was one of those papers with a Red logo at the top that are very in your face.  The ones where ridiculous stories are often told.  They are meant to make you laugh but sometimes... I turned each page and whenever I turned the page I saw some girl that look like me but wasn't.  And then an editor ( as I understood it) at the 'newspaper' company would say, 'this should have been you' worse still it was the whole paper from page one to the middle of the page.  I didnt know what this dream was all about.  I was angry at the 'editor' who was showing me that.  Why, I thought on the dream.  I woke up relieved it was dream. I wasnt okay with this.  First of all it was all about the nasty delays going on in my own career that I just dont understand.  I also understood a bit of  jealousy due to actual comments made to me about the videos which I made to help me have enough. Many artists dont have the ability or the money to make videos let alone the sort I made first, but unfotunately I had problems from people I did not expect to have problems from.  I also had a lot of wow. However weird wonderfultime. I am worried because of the time. We only live once here.  Everything also smelt of scottish shortbread, kippers,scones ahh and things like that because there was so much of it around, and I was complaining.  It put me in a very relaxed mood I simply  at this time, did not wish to be in, given what I was worried about. Yet I was glad but so unfulfilled. It looked like a scottish christmas which unusually helped.  I find I am eating more and I am not happy about that too. When I lived alone,  I never kept so much around.  Scones were only a treat after a few months as I have never been tiny in build.  I never bought shortbread and all those things.  Not a good idea of course as everyone should know, if you are a big girl.  I consider not being a certain tiney big. There were too many vintage dolls around. I have only a few. These belong to my mum who keeps them in her room, in storage, and she even braid a few of their blond hair. I thought of selling them , how much will they fetch assuming their hair is not wrecked. Maybe later.
 
Sunday 15th Feb 2009:
I wonder what it feels like to have surgery?  My birthday is so close. I found myself thinking about it a lot lately the more I read the papers. Of course I'd not been able to afford it as all my money always went on the things I had to do. A part of me always secretly wanted that. I now know I probably never will until I'm old maybe, I mean since I had already made v ideos not doing it, there is no point, I thought.  maybe I will start the year I become 35, that would be a great age to start, 5 years to 40 when life begins and then I had surgery it all the way to 40, when people say life begins at 40.  I would feel good about my looks. If I have stayed this long without it, then I might as well forget it.  I am all for it.  If I can start having the first this year or even next year yes I would. Do it if you can, makes people look good. where are my going to do it I ask myself now, yet a while ago  would have found a thousand and one places to do so.  First for starters before anything else I would like to be thin. Who would'nt. Now I know that I would probably have my first botox or restylane or something to plump me up, when I am much much older in some years time. When I was a child, I used to think that by the time I was 16 I would have attempted to have some sort of surgery. It was the rave.  I always wanted to change certain things about me which I wont say, and people used  to taunt me ' look your flat nose, can you breathe'? And also about a few things but never seriously.  I thought this because when I was 12, a bunch of girls were always around, they came to live with us and they wore make up, including ebony/ 'fashion fair'  powders which at the time I thought were a bit dark, plus lovely very thick fashion fair lipsticks.  I consider these designer brand even though very american. There was farenheight perfumes, just designer brands. They bought it, and I also followed suit. It wasn't long I was always in front of the mirror in the bathroom where I'd be locked away for hours, like a lot of gals do or did, preening myself but also contemplating how I was going to do this to my-self and that to myself when I grew up. The makeup stuff ended when my mum gave me a slap for it one time in front of the bathroom.  ''Come out of the bathroom'' she'd scream at me. 'What are you doing in there'?  This was a regular. Once when I came out early once for bothering to pay heed, which I rarely did if I was in the bathroom, it was the slap that followed and the very angry stare at my overly red lipsticked mouth which came up to the sides of my face that made me realise I had done something wrong. My face was very well made up and the lipstick on my mouth was very rich red colour by fashion fair which was all I could think about at the time. First I was stunned, then I just starred. If I were younger I would have started crying but amazingly I did'nt. My mouth was shut but inside I was screaming 'have you just noticed?' I have been going out to places that I can't remember with the girls in car in the evenings and coming back in the night, with my mini skirt and my well made up face and heels' and I though did she not see that too? For some reason, noone took much notice. First it was common to slapped at the time but it didnt happen to me regulaly not even at school where it was common for your teacher to spank you when you were bad or even late with a cane. I also stopped wearing the mini as I quickly grew out of that. However, it was all lovely so long as no harm was done me that is. 
15th Feb 2009
 
I cant seem to forget an awful movie I watched recently.  Its about an engaged couple it looked so happy at the start, and then one dies and then begins to haunt the other who welcomes it. Then a weird guy was called in to cast out the spirit it was so awful.  The worst part was at the end of the movie there was something about it being a real life story.  I have not been okay after watching this thing and I hope I forget it soon. Its taking too long. Because of its name I thought it was a family programme.  I never watched Tv and had gone into my mums bedroom that afternoon, noone being around had flicked it on playing with the channels on the large telly and came across that that was just starting.  I had seen the name of the film made abroad, in a holiday mood decided to give myself a treat and to watch new year time film. Now wished I never set eyes on this film. Something about it its awful.  Gave me the creeps since I watched it at new year and sometimes I had just have a flashback to the film. Something that I never happened b4. I would never watch a horror film, but this started as a normal one and I just kept on watching. By the time it was over I was creepy all over. In fact I actually felt a presences by the time I begin to think of it. How on earth did I let myself watch this awful.  Its not even a horror film but it hooked on. Really hope I forget it soon, all of it.

 
 
 
Monday 16th Feb 2009:
 
 
Mother Teresa Of Calcutta:
 
I think of this woman sometimes.  Not that I ought to but its a lovely feeling.  A type of solace y'know.  I hope one day when I am old to be just like mother Teresa.  This is my truest wish.  I think she was beautiful in every way because of all the things she did.  Not because she made the soup. Nope.  But I am sure everyone finds someone beautiful in their own way. This is true beauty. I feel more this because I once had a dream years ago I was sooo old and I wont say but I thought how lke her she is.
 
 
 
04/03/2009
 
Its a new day.  Often I'd be asleep at this time.  One time I had a dream that this very lovely guy was on a boat and floated and floated.  Some dream. Its like something out of a painting.  No film can depict the colour in the dream that moved like real life.  Beautiful and so cool I breathed so well.  I love portraits as I also love to paint.  Cant paint mine though, not good that way at all, but I have been putting off getting large portraits of me done I am using for a project.  I am thinking the people who I had on standby since 2008 to do so for me will do it later. I find I am not able to do so much since moving in.  I worked at a sharper level when I lived alone, but it never seemed to end.  Maintenance and co was also costing me.  I had attempted to put a pool in the front garden there where I used to live,  where the porcupines where always many in my garden behind the wooden 6 foot black gate at night, and the neighbors really did look at me at that point so I make sure gate was always shut.  Infact I put one and then found it hard to keep or use as I had had electricity heating etc built in by electricians who were always checking, nothing is wrong. They'd say. Was scared of going in with it on. So I had to take it out later as it made my place look not well kept at all.
 
 
 
14th march 2009
 
I'm Looking For ( I know this sounds bitchy, but...)
 
Has been an issue for me but : ..  
I'm looking for that person that would cause me to launch a 10 million pound lawsuit.  I really am. I have seen that there are a lot of people who take things or think they can take my things without paying and even believe they can get away with that.  They dont know how to ask.  Nay I say.  For if I find I dont have what I should and what I suffered and sweated to create ( some people seem to think a finished song just drops down from the sky, and do not know one puts in a lot of effort to create that sound or that style or that look) and they just think yeah I can make good money with that,  I am looking for it because a massive lawsuit will surely follow.  And that is for every single penny made from that work.  I am even willing to go to the police.  Thats how serious I'd take it. Cause I know how I sweated, suffered, scimped and worked hard and much also went wthout, in order to create every single work, andt the end of it had absolutely no money.  There was self neglect even for what i believed in and loved to do in the belief my own hard work will look after me.  And then some person feels its okay to just come in and....  Its good to know the truth how I'm feeling out ity all.  A guy I see on paper, Mark Ronson by the look of him had rather be dead than someone take even just a part of just one ( i say just one)  of his hard done work.  He got famous on one only (A singer by name of Amy/Amie who has become well to do) because that is his style of things. And he is even rich.  Imagin someone who is not. Of courseI now know there are people and labels who steal.  They would polish it, turn it around, a bit here,  a bit there, anyone like myself who knows can prove it. But people cant be stealing even minute things to the detriment of a creator.  Not when your own livelihood depends on it too.  They haven't got anything to give,  but they want something to take. I have even had a morose who tried to hide my work in the hope that later he had come back and.... you know human thinking.   I see it as a job.  I want none to deceive me, to make me feel like I cant do what I cant because the person is simply jealous.  Also how someone could come up with the idea that I could have sat down and written a piece of work of a certain kind with the kind of realistic work that would have gone into it and not know how I done is beyond me.  If a piece of work sounds like it hasd got a lot put int it, believe me it had to a more extent than the person who was'nt there could know.  Fact is if you see ice cream,  its been made with ice cream ingredients.  If you see quality icecream,  its been made with qualitic cream ingredients.  And if in a factory, by a very good factory and its not cheap at all.  A manufacturer will always always be lookng for his returns irrespect of what anyone tells his or herself.
 
 
 
15th March 2009
 
Its Sunday morning.  6.35 to be precise . By the time I finish this, it'd be 6.40 maybe or more.  I'm thankful for all.  For I know HE is responsible for everything. I speak to HIM daily and know all is his and all to be and all that will ever ever be.  All is nothig without HIM.  Nothing anyone does can ever chage th relationship between a person and his maker.  I am not trying to be religious.  This is how I feel today. I do not have to please anybody although it counts a bit. I do not have to sacrifice anything to suit any imagination, for imagintions are many and cant end.  No one said that life on earth is forever but I know that there is the other one which will be everlasting. Like everyone I also have my probs. Everyone do struggle a bit , no matter what they say. There are the rich bills plus rich expectations to match, and if you do care or give a toss, some people really do not, you would constantly be doing a lot to save face really. Everyone expects you to give them a tip. If you dont you are in trouble. There are a lot of pretenders. I know this because people often assumed I was rich (very rich sometimes) and I know what I always got.  I was always expected to give money of a certain amount, even things I just didnt have, and if I did not, things got really bad. This was worst between 2006 to 2008 when I was even aware that anyone thought this way and realised so many people reasoned this way.  I was even unknown I reasoned.  What would have happened if I was very known, God knows what the hell I was gonna do.  Its a furious 'she Left Out giving me The money', and I'm thinking 'but I do not owe you no money'  truth is I dont even have it and does that person know I am in debt and I am spending doing all this I like to do. All they know is ' You better bring it or else'. I also found if something is just 10,  for you, as they always said it its 50 or 100, and so your money wont last long or take you far, and if you are known, that 10 thing could cost anything.  So to dress down I try to do. Its a nightmare to look rich when you simply are not. I remember as a child, people assuming that for reasons I do not know, and yes I suffered ( badly) as a result. There were also ( pardon me for saying this) the people that assumed that I had what they ought to have had??#?, which I dont understand. If they heard you bought a Mercedes astonishingly they had say 'That was supposed to be my Mercedes' or that you wrote a particular song they had say 'that was supposed to be my song, or 'you/she stole the song from my heart'. There is a song with lyrics like that and I hate it or its simply humourous. These sort of people would 'go the extra mile' because of their feeble imaginations to make sure that life is hard for anyone because it make them feel better.  There is always and often a very good excuse. If only such people realise that it really truely is a very small tiny world. In their minds they are the good or they are the wife, and I'm the other woman??? haha.   When I dont even know who their 'intended' husband is.   I dont know how that is and how it can be. Explain it to me.  Its my aim to protect what I have. I worked hard. I expect simplicity and goodness.  When its time to promote I take it out there or so I think.  My work might look after my interests, maybe, I think.  I put a bit of effort in. I think it is supposed to help me do what I am called and want to do. But there are people that really do go the extra mile to see that I do not have what I ought or who go the extra mile to make me feel bad, either by what they publish or say or do, for no absolute reason other than they want me to feel bad.  Of course as a human, I loose the plot.  I might even not want to know and why should I?  All this of course make you very much anticipate and welcome naughty, sometimes, plus I am all for it and will keep that.  I got a lot of things to say here, thats how annoying it is.
 
 
18th March 2009
Promises
 
I like to think that I know in about 50 years time exactly what I may be doing and like to think.  I am going by what I hope is the promisses of the great one. I have seen people who do many things no end in the hope that  dont do certain things.  If only they knew my story and the promises of the great one.  As someone who has created something some people wanted for themselves in the hope that I'd 'just dissapear',  I have seen it all before going back years ago when I started.  Sure I did'nt win some big stuff before everyone cheering.  I didnt enter any singing or beauty competition sometimes I wish I had done the latter when it was suggested by people I did not know, and did'nt have a clue where on earth to do so. Some are a little late. Also there are those that pretend they love you.  They say ' why doesnt she do it' so that I actually by way of God's Gift hear it audibly.  (It may be easy if given to you, to hear audibly people's thoughts/thinking if you are a spiritually sensitive person) which I had been for a long time.  It's also easy for me that is to determine their next point of action as a result. 'Why does'nt she do it' you'd hear this people say, but then I know that such people does not want me to do it or else they themselves would have done their own bit about it and it would all be simply simple.  An example.  Someone recieves something to play.  All they have to do is very simply play it.   The person doesnt do it, but 'waits' WHAT FOR ) whatever the person is waiting for that I dont know of. Then later you hear the sendees voice say 'why does'nt she do it', and you know its coming from that angle because you know exactly where it is coming from.  'Sure, bring it', and then you do. The person then sits on it. This only happened a few places but they were ever so important.  That sitting on , they are sitting on more than what they think it is.   Why bother. If a person wanna give you something,  they'd do it anyway.  They dont have and  have to say, sure bring it here, I have seen it here or there, you take the trouble to do so, and because you are working as a small entity, that person knowing the potential of what it might give you,  later find a reason not to do so.  Tell the truth upfront.  Its better. Sometimes a person sees something,  its that old mentality 'quick hide it'.  Playing at my own happiness which is all it is playing at. I am responsible for my own protection.  To make matters worse an idiot may even compare you to someone who has a lot of backing.  Something concepted, created and promoted by one lady cannot be the same as something concepted by a group of many people at a big old money label and God knows where people nick stuff from which is why attorneys are vital to create a much fairer situation. omeone submits something to say a Mrs Doonnoo.  Mrs Donoo has a neice or daughter that wants to be a singer who is 16 or the exec has such.  If a style of that work is then redone to launch the 16 year old, should the original now shut up, not if you've got to make a living.  Thank you. Sometimes the signee is a relative, a friend of the family or something like that, never say never its all going on.  This is why attorneys exist.  Money can be got any way. Its only a physical and earthly commodity.  Sure a lot of us has done something stupid for the commodity.  You need it to live here. I too many many a time because I'm only human.  I'm even thinking of going nude or something and if its not given to me I really would be upset.  I would never be able to do that when I am older but I simply follow my own spirit.  Then there are those that write and portray things in a certain way that is simply hurtful.  They know it is so you look at it from a humourous point of view and excuse yourself.  A story is not always true or may not be as a person who is portraying it says it is.  Even if it is said by some paper or online- sometimes its all publicity stunt.  I would never forget the day after I first made 'Bless My Day' available somewhere.  I got home to where I was living alone and the lights went off.  I thought 'well of course, I had been singing 'give thanks for the day and the 'light' of today' in that track, and I was at peace.  I began to understand 'know what to expect.  This is something I wanted to do. I shall eat, drink and make merry very well. Maybe that is the reason I make it easy for people to know what they are doing so they are aware what they are doing.   As for me I will be okay and for a long long long time for the next 50 years at least. I said so years ago, even when I was sick. If anyone dont like it, sorry. Noone not even a one million mile runner can change that.  I will say to such concentrate on your own.  I say may I have many days of wisdom.  What is a promise?  A promise is a covenant.  Yes bad things happen because of excessive bad activities going on but things dont always sway, just because someone wants it so. .  I dont want what anyone else has thank you. I just want the value of mine but if it dont dear its time to look elsewhere and that I must. I like good time.  
 
 
19th March 2009
Jolly
 
Isnt it great to see very jolly. I think it is.  Thats how I see it.  Lucky.  All is chancy and maybe lucky too. I cant see it any other way.  I always stand by this motto,  feel not bad at ayone else's supposed, acquired or sudden prosperty, and do yours as long as its yours.  This is why i stand by doing my own thing.  I feel sorry for people that think for even one day, I would care a world what anyone else has or has acquired by way of their worldly goods and achievements or commodities.  I do care that I have my own and find mine by means of what I am able to do.  I cant live anyone else's life nor anyone mine. I want noone else's life as I am happy in mine by way of revelations and ability and whatever is a true inner gift that is given to me.  Wherever thereis the money to buy all your burgers and all your clothes and all your dwelling(s), sure the more you have the happier you may be.  L say have no dealings with anyone who wants me to think otherwise.  I know the work I have created is worth a very massive earthly fortune,  or intellectual crooks would'nt parriar about me or them the way some did,  but because I am very self made with the common sense and help of a few good people you could acquire enough to take care of you and help the world.  Things are always changing.  Nothing ever stays the same. Of course there are those who hope you dont. 
 
 
21st /04/2009
You can only do so much
Sometimes this is the way it feels. We say we just keep plodding along.  I know something about the laws of karma. Dont know if true but nice to talk about.  Dont think I believe in it though.
 
 
6th/May/2009 
The way it is right now,  I have done an amazing job,  I have written a lot of tracks.  Do I switch myself on on TV or switch on a prediction life TV?  I switch some but the main, where is my MTV UK? Its a big medium so everyone can see you.  I am concerned also about people copying things from some of my tracks. I just dont trust people this side of the planet because of stereotyping..
 
 
7th May 2009
It was early morning.  I wasn't feeling perfect. I always say this is when I am under some 'attack'.  I went to sleep and had a lengthy dream.  I saw three women.  They reminded me of a film called 'The witches' which I do not believe in at all,  but I had watched as a child.  Teenage life really is when life should be quite and good.  Its not attractive to be caused to be initiating sex and sexual moves or dance by some producer who really should be sued by the state for such actions. It shouldnt be all over the tv instead there should be school and studying.  You sturdy performing arts acting to act infilms and theatre.  But the circus of music tv etc is totally something else.  I think it is a circus of sorts. I really believe parent who strive for their 13 to 17 year olds to be pop stars are depriving their children of opportunity to go to be a normal student.  Opportunity to be a true teenager.  You are there striving with older adults who are doing so to make a living out of that.  Not that I care what who does.  I never did.  They are made to wear provocative semi nede or even nude clothing by a big label and parade on the TV before the littler children.  haha but its true. On second thoughts for my own maybe she'd be a star.  Write her 100 songs get her to sing it and everyone else can go eat. Infact it sounds very very appealing indeed.  Especially if  am not ultra successful.  You simply dont do such things if you are.  You want to protect your kid.   Anyway.  I was feeling off a bit and had that lengthy dream that night. I can very much pick out this people if I saw them in a room full of people.  My dream relationship with the creator of all did not start today. For those people who like to imagine they can play god or use the gym to play god.  To some it is successful to some its tough luck.  Wrong candidate.  Then I woke up.  I am not going to talk about that dream in a blog. Maybe a book at the appropriate time in my life will be a better idea.  That dream ended there but I am glad I prevailed. So I woke up and went to do a few things.  I lay back down and went back to sleep. A friend called I picked up my mobile next to me.  He started talking and I could barely hear what he was saying. I was half asleep and half awake.  Often I would say some very crude things if this my friend called, but this time I could not. Truth is I had started another dream.  In that dream there were lots of children. They all bundled into a room where I was.  I thought they were from a school or something.  They were all chattering between the ages of 2 to 16.  I dont know them but I felt I did. This was when the phone rang and I woke up to speak to a friend.  Then when the conversation I couldnt have was over, for his thoughtful person said' let me leave you, you need to go to sleep'. I quickly went back to sleep and the dream carried on where it stopped. The same children. But this dream was so lengthy and I ended up dreaming a film.  I will not talk about the film.  I even dreamt what I thought was a fabulous music video.  In that dream I saw a woman who I thought could pass for me in maybe a few years time.  And she was dancing so well with an unknown fella.  I cant dancelike that, I thought, butI could learn because I lik things like that. The video was so fab.  There was an unknown song playing at the background.  The words of the song I heard were 'we are gonna need protection'.  I could tell the rhythms as I can recreate if I had to easily, but I had no interest in the song because i had heard better. I thought it was maybe those children I saw earlier that had sang it or were singing it.  That lady danced and danced.  I noticed how simple and lovely the movements were and she also wore a nice dress simple but just stood out.  And I thought 'oh me, everyone must love this video'.  'It must be a hit'.  Then I lamented 'I wish it was my video'.  You see there is one mentally that makes people want to hide something they'd seen.  They always want it for themselves and this is purely human nature. If they are in a power to hide it, they would, in the hope noone else sees it, and then, they'd be able to copy it and pass it off as theirs.  This is no new gist at all and it applies anywhere.  They would always 'find' a reason why they cannot show a film or video even. I watched the moves, the dance, what she wore, I thought 'she looks even like me but maybe in a few years I thought sadly, oh me I thought.  I wish it was my video, I can do a video like this easily' I thought. Well then I saw a guy I knew .  He had died last year and used to take me to school as a child.  He was religious too and would follow us to prayer when I was about 14 and 15 a lot at the time. f course it felt as if he were still alive as I had not seen him in years.  I even forgot he had died and of couse did not realise I was dreaming. I became a child again, in my school uniform, and he put me in the back seat of a car just like when I was little and went to the driving seat. We went past roads I thought he knew so well as we went those roads every week day to school. Funny those roads all joined up like it took five minutes or even a second to get there, but really they were roads to the school, and roads to places we all used to travel to that used to take hours and hours to get to. But when we got to what looked like my childhood school, he didnt stop as I thought he would and we kept going.  I was not scared or anything like that.  Then the driver was gone, Then I saw an image a lot of people would have seen a million times over in many calendars etc over the years. Was at a huge long table. There was bread in HIS hands and I thought I saw a drop of blood come out from it and I forced myself to wake up.  I was shaken after this.  I wonderd what about the care that I'm doing.  And  wondered about a whole lot of things. I remember when I used to feel so obliged to do a lot of things.  I just dont want to as things are made a little too hard to do. It should have been so simple.  What about the roles of other people and how it affects everything. I was glad I had had this dream but this point dont know wht to do with it.
 
 
10th May 2009
Last night I had a dream again.  After this I still thought it was nightime.  I had no idea it was 3am.  I called a musical person, a really good in my point of view, that I knew well and told this person the dream.  I also had a new song.  I am full of song I thought.  Why? I thought, I haven't even finished putting the first two I have out properly let alone another ones, so why this I thought.  If I am required to do certain things why not God cause whoever  and everything it is in the way to be removed from that job and someone else put in so that the works can get the sort exposure it needs for me to do this things asking me to do.  Why bother me I thought. For some reason I have been allowed to know who is who and who is in charge of what. So and so person is in the way I thought. I never thougt this way but this time my mind was talking loud indeed.  I also thought would I have been better off simply taking the money I had and simply being a socialite,  going stressfully to all the up town parties since i know where they all are, there was a time I used to be invited to some and I never found time to go as I was so busy,  than working hard doing the music and videos for some people to want to cause me exposure problems.  I wondered.  Problem is I know everyone. Of course its clear to me NOW that the superich can help you.  For one the superich  can pay for breakthrough ads where certain people choose to be mugs and even plain idiots. And I never went after this, how DAFT I NOW think. For starters I thought people might even see me as a gold digger not knowing what the reasons were. I mean look where it all is.
 
 
15th May 2009
 
This has to be inserted.  Sometimes its no point jotting it on diary paper. Might as well some be here.  I had been doing radio a few months back.  I began to do this at some stations, all paid for by me of course lest it is thought fall from my sky.  I am concerned about costs.  All I want really is for someone with the right everything to come and take these away from me and do with it what is normally supposed to do with them.  Personally I am not able to do this anymore I'm thinking.  I have people all saying this will be big.  I find the response is much sweeter stateside where they have been.  Even what I regard as the least of my work is this way.  I am also aware that work do get stolen or bits and pieces without authorisation.  At least with that its okay. I had sent Bebop to radio recently.  Its a type of radio promo  the promoter does. I write that track two years ago.  Its been touched up last 2008.  I am paying as always.  The promoter makes his quote.  I put it and send. He had heard a few of my work.  I send in a cd EP, the only limit I am willing to let hear at this point.  Its a digital type he says, not the norm.  At this point I am concerned.  I am also so busy with other things.  When I are my gonna do the sign find?  The promoter I had first hired had agreed to do radio.  After first payment, later I find its just for non national.  I am learning a lot so I must not go that direction ever again.  Infact at this point I am thinking to forget doing it UK as I dont understand it and find it easier stateside where there is a significant proportion of Black artists and people who understand the sort of things I am encountering and talking about.  I read Alex Burke has a good deal but it wasnt done here even though she had won the x factor UK.  That is the only place in the UK the stereotypical does not work but there are so many many many entrants. I love music and that area of things too much.  I am happiest when I do this I think than any other proffession I think. I enjoy the challenges, the fun, just all about it and I am that type of person, I love creating and making videos, much still I have a vast music catalogue, can write great backing music alone and am full of song.  So what else I think.
 
26th May 2009:
I am looking back at a lot of things.  I remember how I wrote the song 'Your Love Is'.  You see when I was a little girl, my parents used to be very well off. They lived abroad and we had a number of  housekeepers or maids as you call it who did housechores and everything else at home. As I got older, new housekeepers would come and go.  Some would stay a year and leave, some got married etc. Some simply turned up literily grew up there where they had somewhere to stay for free, some went to school, stayed put and started working there until they went away or got married etc.  I remember this girl because I knew she was going to be working there later.  In 2007 I was working on 'I Smell' track.  I was still developing it and had had almost finished.  I never watched TV at my 1 bed house I lived in in Essex, and christain radio was the only thing that was on at the time.  My other reason was the lights kept going off.  Around that time,  I had so many experiences.  She was married when it then happened.  Some are touchy so I wont mention it here but then the song came.  When the song 'Your Love Is' gets released you will hear the lyrics and understand what I am talking about.  It was supposed to have been before summer 2009 for the world to hear as I was told and as was supposed to do but I had a lot of programmer obstacles for useless reasons.  This song was talikng about 'Your Love Is this and that' as you would find the exact words as given in the song which I sang as it came.  I only did it with panache. that was all. I decided to make really interesting.  That song cost me dear.  It took me a long time to do and redo till i did it right I am talking about the backing music and the vocals because I was the only vocalist on the track though you had hink it was 200 people.  So it was very very tricky.  I would never forget the miracles around it.  Obviously because she had died, she was now aware of exactly everything that had happened.  I had hear her voice say 'chinenye, this would have happened to you, that would have happened and I remeber what they were'.  But a lot of focus was on tha music thing. Which is why I left every other song I was doing at the time including the 'I Smell' that was not yet finished to begin to do THAT song.  When the stereotypers in the UK heard it who I was unfortunate to meet and unfortunate to send stuff to heard it they wowed but did not do their own simple part. THE FEAR was 'what if THIS PERSON sees it and WHAT IF that Person sees it'.  I even heard audibly and it was clear WHAT THE FEAR was for different people.  If something is yours and not gotten in a strange way, there is NO FEAR. But I did actually go ahead and make the song. And i did finish it.  I didnt have a job, and I am questioning how I did all the things that went in a blur. 
 
 
28th May 2009
May has been a lovely month.  Despite all going on,  I am slowly turning to a business woman ha ha.  I never intended initially to go that route but I realise that is where it is all heading if someone does not take this off my hands soon as I would like best. I know there are some artists that do like that but they are very very well off at this point such as P diddy and J Z etc. I dont want like that now i'm thinking, I like the freedom certain artists have.  I am a songwriter. It doesnt let me flow when I handle things I think.  Also some people are suggesting 'take your music to so and so artist', and I'm thinking 'where are they?'  I am also thinking, 'so and so artist does not record this type of music'.  It had be hilarious.  A major label would know how to do those arrangements more easily where I want to do them.  It wouldnt take me even a month when they do so and they and everyone else who works with they know. Then I begin to know so much.  Stereotyping was the sole reason.  Worse still I am still on standby waiting for the A and R that know about this since 2008. Why he does not have a direct answer.  He runs his own label too although he does that at one of the big 4 labels. besides now he is at another of the big 4 labels. So he kinda moves around so I thought well why should I go knocking around when there is this person since most do not solicit. Sure I can sit and pen a whole new albulm in a style simple so that even if someone takes a bit of this and that and I realise if I hear it its from my work,  I will turn it around because its my god given skill and because I can. For you to be a songwriter in the true sense you have to have to be able to catch the melody and the harmony and the chords and arrange it yourself, not just write a lyric, or make a vocal or sing a tune. So since I am an all rounder, I have no problem at all in that deparment.  Just that I cant do everything, and its not easy doing that and also running a label and promotions. This is why its silly when people call certain artists a songwriter.  If she put the piano and base together and the guitars and everything else together then that is true. If not please it is false. I also know in some studios a group of people get together to do that. they had write the backing music of a song for a hands or pixie or whoever to sing. They may let them make the words or some of the words and then they say they are the songwriter. Unless you see her doing the pianos, writing the cords, its a lie. A journalist who doesnt know her A from her B will write it so in a paper probably something like the sun or mirror etc. However it makes sense to correct such people.
 
 
30th May 2009
Its end of the month.  I had in mind the summer tracks. 'Bless My Day' and 'Dont be Afraid' are not summer track in my view but the will quench your thirst according to some.  They are the very least of all my records but they are the first with videos so since they are the first, they simply have to come first, I thought.  The UK radio promoter is telling me it would take a long time for me 'to GET to Where Lily Allen is'.  Where is Lily Allen at I thought? Is there somewhere she is at? I like Lily Allen.  See in my mind she is just a performer that is well promoted thats all through a big label.  Do you know that today I dont think about all this people at all for fear of someone saying something spiteful it had hurt me. Its nothing else. And it has the very full benefit of being the stereotypical.  Its the one thing that was thrown to me that I dont like and I'm sure noone does.  I had a lot of things like this.  We will do your myspace, this is how much it will cost etc mentioned.  This and this is how much this and this cost. I will do it myself I said.  I was waiting for the results of the Bebop we just sort of done. In a way I am now glad it was never really done and had I parted with so much I'd have simply sued.  It had already become clear to me I would have to redo the radio promo never mind what it had cost because I had not been done at all.  I look at the time.  I am also concerned its the end of the month.  Its an awful feeling when its the end of the month this way as this wasnt in my plans at all and I've got to live too. 
 
 
1st June 2009
I dont know what to think.  I know I had got good reviews.  People say I should land a massive deal etc.  I am sick of people telling me 'Chinie is going to be really big'  I never saw it but it looks like it.  About deal, I have not been looking because I am depending on the people I had contacted and some even paid to do it.  I am overly busy.  I now see things as a business and nothing else.  Its better to see things this way and not and never my hobby because whoever needs to steal whatever need it to make a living and I have also got to make a living. In fairness I prefer to live off things I created. 
 
 
10th June 2009
 
Things have been odd this week.  The sun is shining in a strange way, just in ways I dont like . I'm thinking.  I first noticed this when I was at the gym.  I liked being by the very large window so I could look out at the sun. Then it stops.  Then it carries on through the week. I hate it. I'm thinking its something to do with all the things done because of the 'Bless My Day' song why I'm feeling it.  Shouldnt it be a light, I thought. Thats all it is and we all have our moments.  Thats exactly how I put it. But sadly I am not a pixie or a 'little boots' or a Lily Allen or a UK stereotypical.  But should'nt art be diverse?  This is not how it is as at today here.  I am thinking. Why more accepted in a black area of things of which there are more in The US and less here in a different area of things?  I am also thinking if this video had been done by another as I now saw it, would it be given a different type of attention?  Of course because what I saw out there did not match the sort of Art it was. Which is what it is.
 
 
20th June 2009
My heart really is kinda heavy today.  You know the 'you lost' feeling.  Thats how its been.  This is the summer I was telling everyone about so happily since December, its going to be a wonderful summer.  I now know there is cruelty for no reason at all. I am a member of a gym, I see the girls there too.  There is one person there I would love to be like. I notice her skin takes a strange shade. Just in the same way my skin took a strange shade a while ago and everyone used to look at me in the changing rooms.  The girl there would comment ' You have very nice colour' and I'd go thank you.  I was doing a lot of video work and I noticed it too but I am looking at this girl who looks like this.  I am not looking at anyone else. We  get talking and she tells me where she goes partying and lots of nice things about herself.  I am not in that mood at this time, I am wondering why I did not ask her this since. My mind is here on the ailing video biz. I am new, not handling it well and the A and R exec knows as we are still in touch via phone even on 'friendly' terms. Still waiting. I had weeks earlier been in touch with clubcom UK. The vids had already aired clubcom America.  I joined the gym so I could see for myself how it was doing. It wasnt yet the guy said.  My promoter had said the guy there said he had play it later.  It went on for 2 months. I began to see identical videos springing up and that sounded like they and I thought where is this?  I want to see it here where I am. Something about what they play that works. Today I turn up but I am not happy at all. There is all this successfully put in on my mind. I start to work it and swear I saw the sun shine very strangely in ways I dont like.  Its been going on for a while too.  Today the receptionist says, I know what it is, this has to do with the videos right?  He looks at me klike he is very sorry for me.  Like 'What a shame'.  Yes I say.  He already knows.  Lawsuits aregood when one is done first. You bring that money earnt from whatever.  Not listening to anything else.
 
 
25th June 2009
 
The day has started out really good today except I have had this cold for two weeks precisely in the middle of summer.  I question this and I am staying at my mum's.   Because of it I have an appointment with my GP this morning for 10a.m. If I was alone I would looking for why.  There is something about being with other people that makes you muck in.  I woke up with a blocked nose around 5 am.  This is London but this feeling is bad. Its bad.  I wonder why. I can barely breathe. I am with mum and knew she could hear me from the next room. This had actually started 6th May but not like this.  I had been on medication for two weeks and just when I thought it had gone then it came back again, a strange and weird summer cold?? I had already had the second bout of strong medication for a week. Now I had bought a vicks nose spray (the one you put inside and spray yourself) 6.00 the day before from Brent Cross boots or superdrug pharmacy on the first floor (Not sure which one it was to tell you how bad it is)  which I enjoyed being at the day before.  If it goes on like this I am going to need loads and loads of it I stupidly think, this is no good way to wake up.  I am wanting to give myself loads of it and I know its wrong but this is how my body is feeling today.  Its only morning in London. Worse still I have not had any work out exercise which is not me at all this whole week!  Can you belive that??  There is too much on my mind and its winning like a the things I take notice of winning.  I aint happy. I am simply simple and also realise my music also needs a bit of promotion.  I am solely responsible for those. These are all these on my mind.  My mum has other people on her mind and its not me. I am dissapointed. I have to work for everything I have and be creative as I enjoy.  Its a shame a lot of people think the music falls from the sun, but one has to work for everything lov. This afternoon and I am feeling sick in the London noon sunshine.  I am cleaning and tidying like everyone else does. I thought of going to work it today, but other issues sudenly arise, and I leave it. It goes on all afternoon. I rather not go into details but I am really concerned. This sickness goes on all afternoon. I had made a few phone calls.  The last time I had symptoms like this was in 2004, I had never had nothing like it.  I feared the worst today for me. But I know it would have to be okay. I wondered why this wasn't budging.  Often such things would go away after a while,  but this time it was not. I got up to go out thinking if I could muster some exercise which I strangely hadnt had all week, this week, this would go away. Like anyone else, It would boost my circulation, I've had this b4 in 2004 and then I thought I was too young.  I feared I would drop.  I still had my blue long sleeve buttoned cotton shirt and its pretty deep blue top inside  I had the same clothes on last night bizzarely as it looked and smelt suprisingly good and clean still but for some weird reason, felt so comfortable (one would them after a bath, but I felt so comfortable in them and realised I had been wearing the same shirt most days this week I had been reallyy  poorly, dared not tell anyone and just managed to change my trousers to comfortable white trousers. I knew I was going to miss the GP's appointment and was thinking of what excuse I was going to give. I had a blocked nose in the middle of summer which I found really worrying.  I simply am never like this. I also thought, there were also crazy rumours going on about swine flu all over the papers.  I am also concerned about how long everything is taking my career too.  People were holding onto things I had paid money to send out, and what were they doing I thought?  We have funny imaginations. The pain seriously began around 1 pm or 2pm.  I thought I had  a mini heart issue. This was something I had never had before.  I should know what it was. At this point I thought .. I should have left earlier but even when I left I decided to stop at the cafe that was nearby.  I sat in that cafe for a while a little dizzy, wondering why the pain wasnt going away.  It was common for me to tell an illness in my body to go away and it would just go away, so I expected it to just go. Then it got really bad, so I got ready to go to the gym. My GP's Surgery is closed till tommorow I thought and its late. This should help my circulation and put things at bay for now. I sat down at the cafe for a long time a little dizzy. It was about 7pm or more but I knew it was very late just when I wouldnt bother,  I had thought to go home and take a rest but the pain was still there and I thought 'I cant go to A and E and wait in long queue room full of sick people' I know what its like once years ago, and what are my going to tell them is wrong with me?,  and what would they do until I can control what the matter is.  
 
Worse still it took a lengthy journey to the gym.  When I got there, I regretted turning up at all.  It was just a feeling of regret which was very odd. I avoided looking at the receptionist who made comment if I was myself at all.  I  muttered yes and just took a towel and swiped my gym card. After I walked up the first set of stairs, I struggled to climb the rest of the stairs.  'Are you okay?' A guy walking down the stairs asked me, I didnt look at him lest he saw I was not okay, and tells me to go home.  I hoped he did not work there or even tells staff I was not well, then they would force me to go home.  I simply nodded 'Yes I am okay' I muttered, hoping he would go away.  He did. I had to hold on to the silver stair railings to climb the stairs.  I thought 'I am under an attack'. A very bad one.  Whilst going up the stairs I heard a voice say 'Okay we are going to heaven now'  like a paramedic thing was going on. First of all, there was no paramedics nearby on those stairs where I was standing.  I held tightly to the rails where I was which I was holding onto dearly as the pain shot through my chest, and that was what worried the most. For a minute I thought 'are my dying now?,  I also thought 'Would I drop here, and then they had call an ambulance?  For some reason I thought,  'If I dare drop in a gym of all places I wont get up' I thought, 'and noone would understand I had just come in'.  It was almost 9pm as I looked at the clock. I realised I had been sick all afternoon. This is unlike anything I have ever had before.  Then there was the  voice coming at me and it was constant and it saying, 'If you dare fall down here, you will not get up'.  I held onto the cold (it felt cold) silver rails of the stairs as I climbed up it and it was taking me a while to do so which shouldnt be so for any young woman.  I was not far from the door but I really feared the worse.   Inside that room next to it, was the bicycle room. A room full of bicycles and lots of mirrors on the walls. I hoped the bicycle room was empty and I have never seen it empty, the last thing I needed now I thought, is a full room full of people vigorously working out when I am like this.  Noone had survive that. I thought. 

We all know how it is when people do so. I walked into the room avoiding anyone's glance in the first room which was suprisingly very scant.  It was like everyone had gone away.  I walked into the adjoining bicycle room, and luckily it was empty and very luckily ( I have this to thank honestly) the air conditioner was on.  I dont think I woud have made it that day if the air conditioner hadnt been on. How something as simple as that could nmake all the difference was beyond me.  But it did.  I wondered 'what if it hadnt been on?  Why are my having this episode in the first place? I know what I'm talking about.  That was when I'd have passed out. I literilly opened my mouth to take air in forcing myself to take air in as much as possible by mouth.  I cant explain such things here but even that was difficult to do with the very airconditioned room which increased the density in the room.  I decided to take a little run to boost my circulation and therefore help gain control of my own self.  I went to the next room,  a small treadmill room which was empty most times and at that time too,  there was a larger one too next to it but I always avoided that, and there were always people in it.  I just felt I needed to get control of my body back.  I tried to do a little run to help strangely I just couldnt.  Body wouldnt budge. This sort of thing never ever happens to me and has never happened again.  I also thought I didnt have to come here to do this but I needed the pool and the steam room and the sauna etc.  Just as I got on the treadmill and tried to run a little, this guy who looked so flustered with dark hair came in in his heavily sweat soaking T shirt from the larger treadmill room where all the TV's must have been on because most of the
televisions mounted on the wall in the small room where I was was switched off except the music channel.  I had had a peep and had noticed there were very few people in the larger room.  He looked at me as he walked in, I hoped he was going away for I needed to be alone but he got on the treadmill in front of me and began his own intense workout. I didnt feel comfortable because I had come in very unwell and was trying to get myself together.  The only persons I had spoken to on the day were the persons I had spoken to that morning whom I had emailed all my work some hours before my chest pains began. I was not in the mood for this too and was so unwell and was quitly fearing the worst.  So I decided to get off the treadmill and I thought I'd go to the pool instead.  I went into the airconditioned bicycle room, by this time my breathing had the same problem again returned and it had subsided for a few minutes before that guy came in from the large treadmills room, the one with so many televisions mounted on.  so I i quitly decided to stay in the bicycle room where the air conditioner was on. I kept staring myself in the mirror wondering what was wrong, as the room walls were made mostly with a lot of large long mirrors on the walls. I wondered why the cold air wasnt doing what it supposed to do anymore because I was still having problems with breathing despite the very humidified cold room, and I dont like cold at all.  All I could do was stare at myself in the mirror, at a point I thought or rather I swear I saw my body peel like a banana and someone (very dark man I do not recognise) screamed and got out. Till the end I would never forget this. I was so afraid, I thought has something horrible happened at home?  Who is it? I was just scared.  I thought of calling home but could not munster the ability to do so.  I heard the message by reception about 'thirty minutes left to closing time'. Now I had little time there. I thought of going for a run but this dark haired guy was still in the little room next door and he had come in from the big room,  he run so much and had been on that treadmill a long time that actually made me to get off and go to the bicycle room where I had been last 10 minutes, because I was not well I dared not carry on so I went to the swimming pool downstairs.  It was oddly almost empty and I was not expecting it to be.  I got in, and it felt so cold like they deliberately switched off all the heating, I got out and went and and lay down in the empty sauna.  I did not feel at peace at all but suddenly I did. A strange but ever so peaceful feeling of peace came over me.  It was closing time.  I realised that someone had switched on back the sauna even though it had been switched off when I got in, and I was really glad about that. I smelt soapy water, a relief, the guy in red was washing the walls. I lay there. I lay there till after closing time hoping to feel as good as possible.  I wondered 'why all this'. 
 
As I left to go home, a guy came up to me and said 'Time to go game over'.  I wondered why he said that. In a normal situation,  I knew I would raise a finger and start going' who do you think you are, dont you dare talk to me like that, etc and things like that' probably pointing at his face with my finger in my bikini and may even follow him still talking of he'd tried  not listen, and I know I would have told the manager, and would have gone the extra mile given what I had been through. I know that would have been my normal response in that situation but on this occassion I simply didnt want to mince words so I queitly left.  Outside I thought what if I had had my deal all this time I had been waiting for a 'friend' who was an A and R exec to get back to me.  So I sent him a text saying 'Its a shame about all this because everything had been given but this is how it is ending'. I looked at the dark night sky.  I dont even know why I used such words because I thought about the text I sent him later.  However I had meant it.  I was more upset because I had been to this person's house before in London where he asked me to come and play my tracks for him after he had watch the videos my website, and where he kindly asked me to stay the night on the first day I met him but I didnt.  So to me he was like my friend I hoped at that point.  But it all felt sad and it all felt like a sad game.    
 
Nighttime:
On my way home two girls about thirteen with party silver star glisters all over their faces came up to me and said 'you know what something terrible happened today'.  I didnt want to hear it because first of all I was relieved and hopeful that I had managed to control my body when I thought it was the end. I would not have been suprised if something happened anywhere but what came next I did not want to hear.  I was also worried that when I got home they had tell me something happened at home.  I had been waiting for a phonecall that never came since that mirror issue. Those girls looked so shiny and happy, y'know the sort of thing you see when every one is partying.  I said what is that? ' Michael Jackson died.  I thought it was hoax, some unhappenable thing.  It felt awful just to hear.  For some weird reason my head spun like the place was going upside down. I put that down to the heart issue I had had all day and lucky to suvive.  Then there was these newses. A hoax I thought. 'Is it true' I asked a guy nearby.  'No he is in a coma I heard on TV' he said  I wondered why I heard nothing on TV but then I did not watch TV.  What if its true, I thought. I hoped that he was in a coma and not dead as the girls said. What a mess that would be. I thought.  I am thinking of launching my super summer career.  If this happens it is awful for everything I thought.  Noone is going to be in a mood for song and that includes me.   
 
Remebrance:
 
I start to cry on my way home.  A disaster, I thought.   
 
Dream of Dec 2006 :
 
Back now but how I feel upset I shall leave it as it is.  Noone is happy.  How is this gonna affect my career, I remember in December 2006. It was 2 or 3 weeks to christmas. I had (still have) this old friend whom I talked to. At the time I lived in a one bedroom house in Essex. I came home from swimming and went to the toilet which also had the bath in it. I sat on the toilet seat to use the loo and suddenly I had a vision.  There was my old frend in his 70's and he was dancing and dancing like James Brown without stopping for a minute.  He did the wideflip (legs ajar on the groung and got up like a sliding machine), the backflip and all those things one person on earth known as James brown used to do since the sixties. I know this because I was a fan and loved the upbeat of his music.  Especially the old ones as I saw  very old videos when I was a child.  I noticed his hair ( the vision that was dancing that looked like my old friend)  began to grow into long curly brown hair like James Brown's. My old friend has no hair to my knowledge. He told me so on the phone and I seen a pic once. He kept dancing without stopping for a minute. His clothes changed to purple and he kept dancing. I blinked to make sure I was not dreaming as I was awake and sitting on the toilet sit to have a wee and thought I wanted to do more, which was why I was till sitting on the toilet seat.
 
 I didnt know how old James Brown was, but I loved his music as I used to have a cd of his, the backing of the track I loved most was simiilar to what Amy Winehouse later came up with in 2007 when I first saw her on the scene. I remember thinking that afterwards. I dont know what the name of the track is but I know its not 'back to black' or 'valerie' but it was a very popular one played all over the radio at the time in 2007 and only reminded me of what was lost. About the open  vision, the image or mirage or whatever, he got up, danced and danced in a way unnaceptable for anyone his age and I also noticed as I watched that his features changed from my friend's familiar feautures to almost that of James browns features so I was able to make out or recognize who it was about.  I recognized the moves as I had watched videos of him performing as I grew up. Worse still at the time I felt really unusually weak. Everyone knew me as strong person. 
 
 At the time there had recently been a UK Music award. It was either an MTV or a World Music Awards with an awards party by the party makers.  With some strange regret I remember wishing I had been there knowing my career was just starting and would be a long road.  The night the party went on, I was not invited,  I had seen something about invitation and everything about it was a bit gloaty. I remember lay on the bed thinking I was missing something so crucial to my career.  James Brown had been there as I had read something in the paper about him being at that party. I remember thinking I should have been at that party and I did not go to parties. I had a lot on my hands record labels did not take off my hands. First you had to dress up and also if unknown you had to pay your money to go to parties.  All my wee money was heavily in production so I could make something for myself. I was doing a lot of recording and composing which was an expensive job and long tedious task.  Some times I had finish late at night after starting early in the day. 
 
I often went to sleep very late during the time, like 2 am but I enjoyed recording too much.  It was a hard working time indeed and everyone expected me to be famous really soon because of the sort of things I was doing. I also remember that event because Beyonce was the belle of that ball. Her long blond extensions were very well made and beautiful and she had a beautiful red dress on, the sort of thing I'd had gone for very very simply too.  She looked so beautiful.  Truth is things like that kept my mind happy too.  About that vision in my bathroom of all places,  I was concerned.  I cant even understand now why on earth I wasnt even scared since I was not asleep but awake sitting on the toilet seat. I felt a normality in the whole message but I was also feeling very unwell so I also put down that sighting my eyes was allowed to see, to me not being well at all. I confirmed this to myself also when I noticed I was staggering, as I staggered down the stairs to my bed and I had intended to pray downstairs which at the time is normally something I would very simply had done as it always worked at that time. 
 
I felt totally ethereal at that moment standing on that stairs in the unusually very silent night and even worried I would see something I dont want to see which I never do thankfully. This time I realised I was weak like someone under some sort of attack which is what I called it. Feeling this way I went to my bed intending to sit down for just one minute.  I didnt think I was going to go to sleep. I felt like someone or something hit me and had sapped the energy rigth off me, hence I lay down instead for a minute. I dont remember what happened next as I went to sleep the moment I lay down.  I was so tired.  I woke up the next day, as the sun hit my face through the large windows that it stung. It was totally out of my memory, and I mean all of the ethereal night before.
 
Very unlike me to forget that as I would remember even a dream.  It just wiped off my memory like it never was, but it was no dream because I wuill always remeber it as it happened when I do. Please note as an unknown artist I was struggling but was very very unknown and very very unlikely to know anybody known.  That was how it was. I Forgot about it.  I had already written 'Bless My Day' at the time, audio track and 'Dont Be Afraid' audio track as well as 'Bebop' to an extent which were my pride and joy. We all know what happened on christmas day 2006.  James Brown was dead.  It was terrible feeling.  I felt awful. I then remembered the open vision that totally wiped off my memory until that day.  I questioned why I forgot it and how I forgot it.  Even if I didnt, what could I have been able to do with it at the time?  I didnt know him was my theory even though I had a feeling whatever it was I was late. I had two tracks.  I didnt have a music video. Noone was doing anything.  Worse still there was a constant nip and tug (squabble) between I and the person I was working with at that time.  Was constantly taking my money and also wasting a lot and I mean deliberately a lot of my time and money to an extent I once called lawyers and that was when I began to move on. It was a nightmare. 
 
It was a first experience of such and it was awful. Focus was elsewhere. Like a lot people all over the world I felt it bad when that happened because a lot of my time was spent nipping and tugging with someone to let go my stuff/work so I can move on.  Then for two days I couldnt eat nor drink after James Brown died.  I felt so bad worst of all because of the vision I couldnt do nothing about and did not know what to do. I am not used to feeling helpless in a situation.  Its easier when you know what to do with something and most importantly when you dont have so much worthless opposition from a jealous angle of view. The most heartbreaking was reading the papers on his burial and Michael Jackson kissed him on the forehead.  It was awful to see. That image stayed with me and hurt bad as I loved both.  I remembered the same when Barry White's ashes was being cast in the sea and Micheal was there too with his silver umbrella.  That image stayed with me for some reason and hurt as I really loved both like a lot of people. I also remember thinking I love Arab things and arab people too. It was my thing I was into.  We all have our thing we love to do. I needed to know Sadam despite what he had done and I was telling just people I knew at the time.  Some thought I was silly for wanting to know a 'villain', as they called him then. No one knew me and that one had a way of sitting right on me.
 
I dont know why I have had people who say she should have done so and so, but they dont say what was their own role.  They are always saying what I should have done and I dont like it.  What they simply should have done and how, that how is important.  How it affected the little I knew to do. Finding myself having a sudden attack this 25th midsummer day, when I actually thought I was gonna die but yet I knew I wasn't has made me think. Obviously it was something that was going to affect me or else it would'nt reach here. Two years later with videos made etc was trying to push the videos to TV. It could all have been so simple but people have their own private reasons why they do things but never mind. Worse still, it had its devastating effect on my finances of course.  Even a mega pop star who is sponsored all the way through and does not have to make a song, to make a video to pay for anything would feel it the moment you pinch the purse and they talk big money. So you can imagine me in that situation from whose little purse everything was coming from. I had to forego so many things just to do what I loved. On anybody's it would too. Please  I am only just stating facts. I couldnt bring myself to watch anything on TV.  It was so touching I wept.
 
I knew that the correct video settings were provided and made possible to me even though I was working with little and everything else and many many things I had been amazingly able to do so why couldnt I do this, I'm yelling at myself constantlly.  And worse still why tie me up like that so that I almost died.  A word kept coming at me, like it was being thrown at me : 'You cannot go into a strong man's house, unless you first tie up the strongman, then you can steal from him and clear his house'.  No I thought. This is like a thief,
this is worse than a thief' I thought.  The experience that almost robbed me of my physical body on 25th June was just so bad I am grateful to even be alive, never had I experienced anything like that in my whole life and I'm glad its past. The closest I have been to an early grave. Whatever it was at work today.
 
 
5th July 2009
 
Things we do without knowing what we are doing:
 
I remember, in 2004 I was having a really weird time.   It was bitter sweet, but more sweet than bitter.  I always had a hard time doing everything I always wanted to do. Thats the only way to sum it up.  I remember wanting to debut myself to the world and not knowing how to.   That was just how I felt. I started listening to a cassette I had had with me a long time and did not know I had and one included a very beautiful track called 'Let me show you the way to go'.  Some music come from God I believe that.  I really do from experience. This I now know. Some people are like that. Simple. I played it over and over again.  It was a fresh and beautiful time. Really. But that was then.  The only other time I remember anything was in 2005.  I loved and enjoyed running outside at the time outside in the sun.  It was something I was into at the time.  I was never a small girl ever even as a child. I did so always by a water park with beautiful white swans.  I was into something I could describe as Goldie Hawn, I wanted to be like her, and someone like that I wasnt sure whom it was like a type of guide and had even gone at the time to see Goldie when she came to London to sign a book she had written called 'A Lotus Grows In The Mud' or something like that.  It was a hardcover and I had bought one and we waited in that long queue at Brent Cross shopping center. 
 
The book was not interesting but I was glad to have met goldie for real.   I was into the song 'You Are So Vain' also which I used to think was Goldie's song, but I knew it wasnt, and I played it over and over because it was what I enjoyed at the moment. I was also a Streisand fanatic, worked out to the song 'guilty' which is so beautiful as I loved the Gibb brothers old collections so much. At the time and nothing else on TV was coming near, and loved still the 'Let me show You The way To Go' by the Jackson 5. I didnt know till this year that it was their song. I wasnt sure who were artists at the time though. This was life.  It was beautiful.  I was for some reason worried because Luther Vandross was very very sick and they said he wont make it as he was in Coma or so I heard and I had prayed for him at the time. I didnt know him.  I liked his music and I liked music.  So when 2 days after he got better I heard on the radio he was better I was happy and thats it.  Fact is I was more pure than I am now.  I really was. I didnt think he was gonna lapse back after. He got out of the coma but soon died at a time noone was expecting and I cried because I would have wanted to do that thing Mariah Carey (love her) was doing with him.  They sang a song together called 'endless love'.
 
It was beautiful. I forgot all these things soon. But I remember around that time on June 13th 2005 I went happy running outside again as I had been doing, it was nice to see one or two guys who came there to do the same keep away from me because they thought 'dangerous', by the next year or two I began to see more people do so. Anyway and I had been doing for no reason for 1 week.  My reason was the scenery was beautiful.  I kept running and the sun blazed in a strange hot way, then I heard 'who is it?' I thought oh my God, something had happened at home and I put in gear.  Even the ground looked very very strange. I kept on until I heard a voice say 'Now'.  I thought it was God.  I said thank God.  I actually felt it. I thought someone was releasing doves when I heard 'NOW'. I was like twelve problems shattered.  I remember thinking should I pack my bags and just leave for the States.  Then I thought If I do what are my going to do there.  What are my going to live on? I thought it was my male American sibling who was in trouble but none rang to say so and so on that June 13th 2005. But I really soon forgot as my own music began. 
 
Also today I am thinking about the A and R exec who had told me everytime to wait or 'lets see' if he was giving me a deal or some sort of deal, and I waited.  I was daft enough or maybe not to think he was my best bet since I had got to know him a bit personally.  He last told me on June 20th when I worriedly contacted asking 'what about this'? He had say 'I am in New York and would be back in the UK after the Summer'. There is a recession I thought. The Summer is a long time, I thought because I have already been giving people these music like this and it has aired on some radio even. Is this safe, I thought. Should I take all these things and go to the US much earlier than I planned? I was already in touch extensively with all this people who said I had fab work, the ones I let them hear.  At this point I was angry I didnt want to know. He had done for a long time.  Worse still when I think of everything that has happened now, and all my sadness, and I'm thinking what if? I get enraged inside.
 
 
July 9th 2009
 
I am joining a teaching special specific lecturing program to take my mind off the moodiness of people.  Their faces are sad.  I dont like London at the moment I'm thinking, however, I do live here. I am thinking what I am going to do about this music career.  Things are not good and I love it.  It excites me more and I need excitement.  I am not happy. There are too many many special things I would never ever mention online here.  I only limit what I want anyone to know except whom I want to know. I am wondering at this point about MTV UK as I watch 'Evacuate The Dance floor' which has just been tipped to become number one in the UK and had just removed dear Michael Jackson off number one spot. I am thinking let him be number till next year.  Everything is bad. The only person being showed in 'The Sun newspaper' is just the girl in the group, I didnt even know they were a group, I only read a story about how the girl was knocking Michael Jackson off the number 1 spot. I knew the group had been in the shadows for a few months but now they were having their number one.  I knew their manager as I had been speaking to him months ago and he had been telling me to wait.  I didnt know he was their manager until now. Truely I'm thinking probably another stereotypical UK style. I last spoke to him, lovely man on the night of 24th June as I sat in a KFC ( Kentucky Fried Chicken) in deep thought. I sat there from 7pm to 8pm on the Tottenham court road on the underground downstairs floor where it is more quite. I had decided to give him a call that night.  He had been telling me to call him later. Then he said there was a thing going on about dance music.  I wasn't suprised but I subsequently told him I may do a dance track, although its not my style. On my way home later that night I felt a lot of things that frightened me that made me get home quickly.  I thought I heard shots.  But today I think of all this.
 
 
July 17th 2009.
 
I am on the course officially.  I am glad.  I am already a teacher to a level. The course should be intensive.  For some reason I am thinking I prefer music anytime.  I hate this and I am bored. I need excitement.  I love excitement.  Being this way will make me grow old quickly.  
 
 
26th July 2009
 
The course has started. I have to attend everyday. I am beginning to find this difficult. I wished it was part time.  I have other things I want to do and on my mind.  Infact maybe I shouldnt have joined now, I think.  I should have focused on my radio promo.  There is a female teacher that is not much older than me and she gets on my nerves.  Maybe they think I dress too much.  The comments some make.  What are my supposed to wear?  I am thinking of postponing this course.  I dont like it anymore.  Also the class is boring.  The only time it isn't is when I have to do the teaching.  Its a specific program. They talk like its so much I dont like it and I feel they might even make me fail when I dont do that. Also my mind is not there at all. I am depressed and keep nodding off to sleep.  A far cry from my happy self.  I thought we should all come here and do our thing so why should it be like I am competing with someone when I don't want to?  Where are you from one asked? Why would anyone looking at me ask me that type of question I thought.  Now I know because the student is used for so much. Now that upset me too.  Why should I give anybody my own money for me to subject myself to anybody, for that person to make feel like this because they have the access to do so I thought angrily.  I was always glad when it was over.  I am leaving the course. I cant stand it.
 
Practices:
Like a lot of people I never married because I never fell in love or I never met Mr right that tickled my fancy at the right time.  I used to think I would elope with someone very early because I was a practical dreamer who read romance novels. That was my hobby.  I cant even remember most of the things I read now.  I could never see anyone who has been already married before to someone never married before as belonging to me nor would I want to die in that persons arms as lover without amends such as: 'Please go back to your first marriage which should be a first marriage for both parties, not one party'. You cannot belong to each other if whoever it was you 'married' to has been 'married' already before in front of everybody or anybody and the first hobby is also 'still' alive.  If a woman had been married before, and then she divorces whilst her first husband is still alive, whoever she 'marries' later is not by 'christian terms' her husband. I am only going by only what book himself said and not some clergy because everybody has a different opinions.  I did not make that rule. The same goes for a man. If you have been through three, four or five 'marriages' with three,four or five different 'divorcees', none of those divorcees 'according to christ himself' is your hobby, only the one who was a true widow by christian terms when she married you, but not if her first hubby is still living. The only true hobby is the person who has never married or who is a widower or widow by way of first hobby dying.  A never married man who marries a divorcee whose former hubby is alive is by christian terms'not married' never mind what every one else is saying. Even if he 'marries' someone else later, if that someone else has been already married before, he is still 'according to christ own saying' not married. The only time that person could be classed as married is when the 'marriage' is to someone who has never married or who is by christian terms a widow or widower. I didnt create this word so its best to ask who made it what they think when its time.  It applies both ways. Ethicalism in this does not apply and it depends on whom it is you are trying to please. If a guy marries a woman with 5 or 100 children who never married, then she is his wife by 'christian doctrine' only because she Never Did marry anyone before even though she had different children by even different men. If she is a divorcee and her first hobby is still alive then to christ (according to him) her marriage is NOT valid. This only applies in a christ-said point of view and it all depends on who you are trying to please.  People all have their type of trouble and reasons. I am going to find out about in other religions too.   I also read something about letters of divorcements.  Its all so so and so.  Not that it matters not me anymore though.  
 
30th Sept 2009
 
Oh yeah.  Now for Muslims one is allowed to have 4 wives.  Depending on how affluent you are you can have 100 but only some do so. Dont think its a good idea. Now thats a lot of 'wives' assuming there are no claws out.  No woman in that situation will be faithful unless she were a herit and there arent any these days.  Unless she is lying. They also do letters of divorcements.
 
I think the sikhs stick to one.  How about Mormonism? I'm gonna write about that later.  I used to look at it a lot you know.  
 
 
1st Oct 2009. 
The Mobo awards has taken place in Scotland. I did not go all the way to scotland.  I am not winning a thing so there is no point.  I had been late in getting stuff to them and because it didnt mega MTV UK which was where it all stemmed from,  that didnt just put in. It is nice to see though there is this boy-guy called Chipmunk.  I'm thinking its better he won awards. He is good.  I like his name. Anybody would be embarassed to be called that though.  I have to admit he has a got a funny shaped head, I am sure a lot of people thought so.  
 
Today I am feeling odd.  Fact is I will only be close to a guy seriously instrumental in my getting what I want.  I like black events. I am not into anything that sets back my career in any way and do not wish to be involved. That is my type of stand unfortunately  sorry.
 
I revert to a dream I had in July 2008 in one of the worst times of emotion. I am standing with someone I recognise as Jennifer Hudson, one of the singers in dreamgirls.  First I was not happy having this dream because I was a little jealous for a year of her and did not like the idea of her being in any of my dream at all.  She seemed to be everywhere and carrying the big girl look which I  stupidly wanted at the time then but not anymore.  So in the dream I and her are in dim room, I am standing with her in a corner of the room, at the same room there is a long wooden shelve that is old,  and on that shelve was a black Top Hat that was really long.  Such things are no surprise to me becase I kept at home top hats as well and many costumes at the house I was living in at Essex alone at the time. It was a one bedroom house but my bedroom had been turned into a storage room for my many costumes,props and things I was using for filming whilst I hoped for success having been able to write many songs already by then and seeking help, and I slept in the makeshift living room.  I never slept on the bed which I took out, and my mattress was on to the floor which I preferred and made it just like a bed only it wasnt a bed. In that dream, My hand was on that Top Hat.  I could reach it easily and I was demonstrating with my hand to the person how to reach it. 'This this' I said to her.  
 
She made one attempt to reach it, but she couldnt reach it with her hands although we stood at the same lenght of it which suprised me in the dream given that she could reach many things even things I wanted and could not.  She looked just as on TV. We are now standing very close, patient and I'm saying 'this' with my hands on the hat, trying to get her to reach it once again, she makes a very weird move, tries to reach it with her hands again but this time she screams and then she falls on the ground like dead.  I am terrified at this point and she is still on the ground in a heap and not getting up, but its the sort of scream that worries me, then I awake.  Its creepy.  I was not happy I had the dream because I did not want to dream of Jennifer of all people. I assumed it was just a dream. A few months later its still a struggle. I was even telling people it was a conspiracy to hide my work but in whoms interests is it all? I remember this dream again one week before she was on the media for something so bad, I had felt danger and remember the dream, I prayed only a little for her thinking she was in some sort of bad trouble. It was just her I saw in the dream. I thought at that moment I felt that danger, in my mind or in a 'vision' I see a particular guy, raise one finger, and then he raises two fingers like in a mockery at me, like someone making threats and also mocking and also dangerous and it all felt like something already done. 
 
I had seen this 'guy' in a sort of 'vision' before. Its no-one I even know or have ever seen anywhere in real life. It was on the day I found James Brown died, it was one finger 'he' had raised at me like in a mockery. At the time I thought it was my imagination. I had then told the dream to a producer at the time. I was fond of telling people  some of it and at a point formed habit of calling people at AM early mornings to say so. I thought it had something to do with where and how I was living.  I lived a totally secluded life but never again.
 
At Essex where I lived I had a habit of merry running outside at night in 2007 to 2008 and it was beautiful when the moon came out.  Infact I often and mostly did this when the moon came out.  There was a type of sync and I felt I could connect to the moon.  I felt a type of connection with that wonderful activity in the blueness of it all. I was still touching up much the 'Your love Is' song  which had come after the girl who had died had spoken to me.  And I remember many nights this way. I put my heart and joy and soul in that song lest anybody dont understand I worked for everything y'know. It cost me dear too. I was the sole vocalist on the song and sole backing music writer but it sounds like a lot of people.  Even what I wore I put a little effort to do. I believe in being yourself.  At nights the radio was always on, I felt the TV affected my creativity in ways I dont want, so it was radio my companion with either LBC radio (London Radio)and some of those interesting late night talk shows but I stricly avoided listening whenever ghost stories or things of that nature came on because I scare easily, and already I was spooked to an extent, and that is why I sometimes had radio on at night till morning, except when I had on R Kelly music which I would also set to play till morning because they were upbeat. I liked 'Hey Somebody' or something like that. and a lovely one called 'Happy Summertime'  Just know they kept singing 'This is how we do' and I played it so many times which made me begin to like Snoop dogg as an artist.
 
I never liked his music style before and could not understand them as they were not mellow. Its one the best tracks I ever heard, so upbeat, called 'Happy Summertime', I liked it so much, it was always on at night every day, to a point I sent it as a gift to a french person who does mastering, who also got addicted to those tracks as he was always playing it whenever I came to see him to work together.  I got copies for family who said 'it was good for the soul'.  I had come home in the afternoon, put this on, play it and dance in the small kitchen of which two of the four cupboards were full of cd's. It was beautiful time cos I was super busy in ways I prefered.  I should have stayed spooked.  Trouble was I had come home sometimes at 1 or 2 AM which was the norm, as I often did when I needed to do special stuff I went to a special studio and it was hours of travel.  And I'd come home and I'd worry when the street lights would be off especially leading to my small wooden front black gate, which was only just over 6ft tall. I had a neighbour whom I never saw, and I would know he was in on rare occasions when his light were on and they seemed to be the lights that helped me see the way to my door.  Most times he was out when the light was off.  
 
We both had trees. He cut his first. He had immediately built a wooden fence between us the moment he moved in and I had never met once in one year or two. We both had small front garden, very small, none at the back so I think same for him too. There is a direct street light in front of the wooden tall black gate. When this goes off it looks weird. You can imagine how I felt when I saw a big giant black cat on the fence. First I thought it was a person by the heavy sound the fence made when it ran off. And this spooked me out especially when returning at night and everyone is in bed on the very quite street. I wondered why it bothered to run away as I should be the one running away.  This is the only thing that gave me the courage to go in. And I would run in quick and shut the door behind never leaving the windows open. The lights on the street had gone off, there were wide trees on the side of my small garden so you could not see inside from outside because of the very wide leaves and the very big branches and I always had work to do when it was autumn as there were no end leaves on the floor. 
 
I loved those trees but at night it created shadows and made whistling noises especially when there were storms say around november or when the porcupines made noises outside. I'd open the front door at night wondering what that was, and there would be a porcupine in front of the door and it wouldnt run away, but it crawled.  Sometimes there had be so many porcupines outside on a rainy night, it was chaos. In the night lightning and thunder and rain and whistling, I had switch on the outside garden light making sure my front gate was locked from the inside because my door never locked.  The electricity would go off inside and I would have only kitchen lights in the  house for lights. It was mellow. So when the porcupines make those weird noises especially when they were so many to ease my own fears I had open the door loudly and what a beautiful site, many many porcupines.  They cant run. I got used to it. It was lovely looking at it now. Then there were the guys who used to sometimes follow me home and I let them for company and bring out a radio and play music outside in the garden at night as we discussed and then they'd go home at my request. To my surprise they'd want to stay, no man ever slept in that house. Or the one that came to my gate and paid me money to kiss him, I did kiss him once but felt so dirty because of just one kiss which I thought was odd when I had whorish attitude in me, I thought.   It was nice time but the electricity was always going off and sometimes I slept in the dark or with the candle light on always alone, I developed courage.
 
I wonder how October will be.  I am not thinking good things anymore to be quite honest. My expectations were big and different at the start of the year.  Although I loved listening to radio, I hated July it was awful.  I'd wake up and it was like a set time that song by Daniel Merriweather called 'Impossible' was always on.  I like the song, but the words cut at me at a sensitive time. I never heard it during the day time. I was always waking up every night say at 2 and then 3 and then 4 AM always on the spot to that same particular one song. 'Impossible' Sometimes I'd go back to sleep and wake up to the same song again. Sometimes it would go on many times in one night, and even after I'd change the channel and the same thing happened. I began to wonder if I woke up only when that song 'impossible' was playing because obviously they dont play it 24-7 on all channels do they? It added to my July depression. I am a fan of cryogenics and I was trying so hard to reach some people to please use this. I hoped so. The message coming to me was constant with so many many many things I will never ever say online. This is why it would have been very easy for me to do if I were known well which would have been all simpler had things been done by those I gave them to to do.  It is also my regret because why bother if it didnt matter I am now asking and why oh why did it happen this way?  You see  always put myself in that situation. What if it was me?  No matter who you said a nonsense to, if true or not when you know  how do you do?  What is this?  I dont like.  No no.  And why didnt I see this one so and so time or that one?  What was the hurry?  Money? It couldnt be.  Now in two days time, the Mobo awards would be forgotten.  It was boring and I did not go to scotland either for that.  Truth is after that I know I knew anything can happen and then I believe it.  I felt it.  Like this I do not know. How can this be.  To cause me pain I am not used to with what I know... To cause a helpless situation when I had had began to tinker. This website will eventually ultimately become a book I am beginning to think. Its autobiographical and factual and I lived it myself, not with anyone.  
 
 
Saturday 17th Oct 2009
 
Final Destinations
 
Never watched this film.  For some we never cross paths. Things are morally bad enough but we all have weird secret wants.  For me my want will always always never ever include anyone I see as an enemy God forbid.  Anyone who tries to hack down my career is my enemy and can never be a friend.  Its really cold today in London.  This morning the weather was a good -4.  Whilst in bed I remembered what happened on September 12th, and night of 13th.  I was walking home from the local shop 5 mins away that night and I begin to sing the song  'Time of my life'' You know the song.  Here are some of the lyrics:
 
'There's a writing on the wall stand by me
I've had the time of my life
And I never felt this way before
Yes I swear
Its the truth
And I owe it all to YOU''
 
It used to be used as a Sandals holiday advert on TV here in the UK for years.  I first heard it on the dirty dancing movie which I remember watching for the first time at 13, having locked myself away in a room, which was at a small guesthouse area atour place abroad.  Only guests often stayed there really.  I remember I did that intending and also attempting to pray all afternoon and then something else came in, I saw the film lying around, I grabbed it, put it on and even also locked the door thinking it was worse than what it was. I had heard all sorts of stories about it. I watched it, enjoyed the film so much, it wasnt as good as ghosts, and remember falling asleep afterwards with the film sstill on and having a nightmare. When I woke up, I was so ill I couldnt get up from the bed. I never did that again.  That was a long time ago.
 
I know I did not sing the lyrics correctly.  I dont know all the lyrics of that song properly but on the 12th and 13th especially at night on the 13th of September I kept singing that song over and over and over.  I dont do so BECAUSE I am a songwriter that is always writing fresh stuff all the time.  I have made over 100 songs so far but only a few a in public domain as I have to find help and funds to put things that should have been ages ago out. That night it became more intense.  I noticed my voice became very crystal clear to an extent I was thinking so constantly.  I always associated the song with Dirty dancing never mind the Sandals ad.  This was what I knew it as.  I realised I had been singing THAT SAME song continually since the day before - 12th September. I also realised I had payed more visit to that shop than normal. I was constantly going there every night all September. I was also not emotionally okay because of evertything that had happened and going on. I thought that night of 13th Sptember, Is someone to do with the film dying?  Infact I believed so.  However my heart was already crying because of the person they had just buried that september. Because my voice took on a crystal clear nature which I myself had not heard before. I believe you go to your final destination once you are buried. This is my belief according to that specially told me simple. I also knew the way I was at that moment if I put my hand in it it will go away for this new person at least for a time. But I was crying inside. I heard my own self refuse. What difference will this do me except reinforce my own constant situation was my thought. No I heard myself say.  Also I had already sworn to myself never ever to do these sort of things for anybody's sake no matter who it is again. If this could happen let it go on until there is no more. This is simply how I felt and no matter how much it tugged and tugged at me that night of 13th September I pushed it away at a point with all of my energy which was so negative to me because often I would embrace this.  Go I said.  I do no such thing.  I am hurting.  Things are bad.
 
I always say,  I dont share visions with anyone, go get yours or if WHO gave it thinks it is YOU then HE will give to YOU instead.  I never ASKED for any.  Remember that.  I got more interesting things that may be of a devious nature as is human nature.  I find people that follow what I say only to make a silly remark.  I am only telling of actual happenings. People with the knowledge of impact of what they do.  You cant force something that is not yours unless it was meant for you when it is something like this.  It is always always catastrophic and the person who suffers the most is not me. Later the things I am looking for will come because I can create.  A part of me wanted to hurt god.  I wanted him to know how serious it was and punish those concerned that was it.  I was not used to feeling this way, now I know someone could feel like this.  Also in September night I lay on my super soft.  I never sleep on a bed.  I get rid of those.  So as I lay there I felt HIM, god that is.  The presence was so strong.  I knew he had something to say.  I went to sleep and I am running and running over flowers.  I am suprised I did not step on the flowers I am doing very weird sprints which I dont think I can do for real at all.  A weird woman's voice is singing ' Will you be there'.  I never heard that voice or song before.  It sounded like something out of the UK 1940's but I could make that out, what it was saying clearly.  I wake up and I feel HIS presence.  My heart wait to hear what God has to say.  The presence encompasses the whole room.  I briefly look at the door and see the door is tightly shut.  I try not look lest what I will see.
 
Truth is I try not to look at or see anything I dont want lest I remeber it when I dont want and get scared.  As a child ghost stories were really my terror. Some people may know the kind of story I am talking about.  It really was my terror.  How I lived alone when I did still amazes me.  It takes a while get used to. Then I see a vision of the person whom I am crying inside about.  I did not mention it in my heart but this is what has been bothering me for weeks before on end. I never even thought about it at all at that moment, it just appeared which made me remember the person.  I dont know why that appeared. I remember thinking next time I shall ask HIM where is this person.  I am not doing any such thing ever again, not for anyone at all my mind made up. As at today or now.  With people thinking can change.
 
 
November 2009
Summer HILL??
Today like the last few months, I am staring at an empty bottle of sweet smellin lotion in my bedroom wondering why I keep it.  It was my mum's when it was full and I took it. I remember in April when I took it and it smelt so nice.  I dont like using creams like that but this felt so good and left my skin so soft it felt just like a baby's and bliss. By the end of May the bottle was empty almost.  I am trying to figure out where she bought it as its one of those things she'd say, 'I dont know' or 'I cant remember where I bought it'.  I'm talking about the plastic bottle because there is nothing special about it but since its been empty, I dont keep such things around as its clutter  I would always clear such things out, so everytime I pick up this 'Summer Hill' bottle to throw away, I'd hear the voice of a person I have been lamenting about,  cry out, so I keep the bottle.  I never throw it away.  Because of This, Summer Hill bottle takes special position in my bedroom and it looks odd because its an empty bottle which you would call clutter. I read its name again and I'm thinking what is it about the summer and what about the Hill? I have been trying to throw it away since july but I cant because of the person's voice. Fact is its always 100% accurate with voices and me for long time. I'm not talking about songs etc. I'm thinking, trying to tell a message?  Are my to contact someone this time? I am thinking, Its got to be about a person obviously but I know and I know it is not Lauryn Hill and this is the only person on earth by the name or surname of Hill that I know, and can think of, and ever heard of except Hill the cartoon. You know there are people you know that even if you are famous you have no business with and that is one of it. I am thinking. I should find a way to put the photo of this plastic bottle on my blog. I have stopped looking for where to buy a replacement.  But it smelt so nice.  I shall look for where to buy something similar,  been saying that for months.  I like the fact I'm talking about smells.  Then I think of my track, 'I smell'. The cream smells of passion fruit.
 
 
On thursday night I came home to find an oldish brown expensivish Fedora hat outside the door. I know what is cheap, medium and also cost a bit. It obviously must be missed by the owner as it looks it cost a bit. Someone dropped it outside the front door.  It looks like my late grandad's Fedora or my own dad's fedora used to wear years ago.  I wanted to throw it outside but I decide to keep it.  I take it to room and drop it on a box.  Thats where I keep it.  To remind me of vision I saw the day I felt God's presence when I was worrying I'd rather not share with anyone online, was the day I heard that one weird 1940's style woman's singing 'will you be there'.  I know I will never forgt that dream or that voice because of the impact of what happened that night.  Was also the day I dreamt I was sprinting over the flowers and amazingly not stepping on them.  Dont know who the brown large Fedora belongs to.  Shouldnt bring it to room but to look at.
 
I know a fedora used t be many a man's item of pride just like your first prom gown.  I may be wrong. You know the one if you bought it yourself, you would have saved to buy. I remember I once went to an invite party.  I simply had on a skirt and a top but my hair was done in an almost Amy Winehouse style, it was a few years ago. On getting to the party people were looking at me admirably but then there were also girls dressed in ball gowns.  Thankfully they were only just a few girls dressed this way, or else i'd have gone back straight home or gone home to change my dress. It was nice because ball gowns are reserved in my view only for a certain kind of party which I I'm sure I very much do like thank you. It was the way she clutched the sides of the ball gown in the ladies like something I had do when I was 12 and feeling good about what I was wearing. That was what I was looking at and I think its a feel good thing because she must have been feeling very good doing that.
 
7th Nov 2009
 
I had looked at my many costumes I had to put at the storage since January.  I look at the Alice dress for the little girl supposed to play Alice.  I had told her mum in December 2007 that I was doing an Alice in wonderland theme, which was part of changed plans for filming.  Beautiful time. Seeing a 'through the looking glass' film that is recent yuk looks horrid.  Its not happy and bright as I planned for what I was doing and I really should have gone ahead and done the video then, would have been easier for me though very difficult.  I was at the time obsessed with the book which I began to read again in mid 2007. I dont read books as such but the book gripped me with the same fervency it did when I was little as my mum had bought me the video the latest edition in London where I also spent a lot of time, and there are many editions.  however that edition I still have the VHS. The clothes and all stayed at my place at Essex.  In January 2008, little girl's mum''d ask anxiously, when are we doing the vids as I have to bring her, later we agreed but so busy with too many projects.  I also felt the magic reduce as at by that point 2008. I simply could not feel the magic or the intensity of the push as I did late 2007. But I knew how grateful I was she even bothered to ask. Now even the lovely cute things beautiful little girl was gonna carry I think will be too small for her now, and so the very shiny shoes. I cant find that anywhere at all and it wont fit her as she is older.  I forgot she was gonna grow older and then they would'nt fit.  I should have got several sizes up as they were a special one off.  Infact I dont know if I will ever do that video like as I had in mind when it first came in 2007.  As at the middle of last year I had really put it off till whenever. I was only telling the A and R exec whom i first spoke to last year 'Your not signing me on time is causing me to put off my Alice in wonderland style video'.  'Wow' was all he said. Thats the exact words.  'I wont be doing it where I did any of my videos lest it looks like Bless My Day or Dont Be Afraid video scenery'  No more rocks and waterfalls and all, as in my 'Bless My Day' and 'Dont Be Afraid' one off style videos.  Been there, lengthy constant tedious, my special one road. Rocks and waterfalls are very much the look and only constantly remind you of those videos and when they were made, then that is. Infact everyone else has been barred from filming at those places and for some I am the very first and the last.  I am told even the BBC had been begging for years and offered mega bucks to do that and it was given to me the DAY God gave it to me. I was still asking at that point and wondering why he took so long.  I had been afraid to send things to other people.  What if the record label steals your work?  Some people in industry i was to work with said, and they meant it. Thats nonsense I said and if they do its best I know who I sent it to.  I wish I just hadnt bothered with UK first attempt or Europe. I have felt torn to pieces this year.  So I am thinking either I shall have to go look for bigger wear when I am ready or find a younger Alice but with Kiddies, its difficult.  I have an almost spiritual attachment to the story. I dont even know if where I had arranged to be wonderland is going to be there.  And to make matters worse, there is this storage I have had to keep for a good 11 months when I planned 3.  Disguisting.  I thought. Then there are the unfinished videos of one of my beautiful summer track.  The cast of those must think 'This is taking so long' when are we finishing this. I was gonna do it in the summer but there is a twist. Oh dear.
 
10th Nov 2009
I am hearing some people saying, why did it take you this long to this'?  It should be more like 'Why did it take so and so person so and so time to get up from what they are sitting on? Is there anything I knew to do that I did not try to do?  That is the question.  I'm even suprised at all I have managed to do against the odds.  Really am. I did so and so, sent so and so out at requests with my dear money.  And when I had done it and did so and so, Pony decided to sit on it totally decieiving me. One knows that if 'pony' had created those, 'Pony' would'nt sit on it like that.  It was because it belonged to someone else. If someone knows they are sitting on something and keep on dont they know?
 
I wonder
I wonder what had had happened had the several 'Ponies' I met along the way hadnt done so.  I also wonder about all those people.  I just wonder. Because things past are past.  I hear fools say 'Look at what you would have done'.  But... I did try to and made effort to.  What counts is who WAS SITTING on WHAT and also of course KNEW they were sitting on it and much more than they knew really. My music is done in many languages when GIVEN to me.  I did do it.  With my money. Certain people made it more difficult and with what I didnt know sat on it.  I also encountered stereotyping in varyiong zones such as Uk.  Thats life.  After they cry out.  Its like when a famous is around some media hound that person.  they dont even wruite story about that person.  That story could easily have caused for that person to need not come out of retirement.  Once that person dies, all of the story tellers even those that refused to help that person cannot stop for one minute.  its sad. Yet had that person even already deserving by way of maybe famous before had been where they should be in terms of their media, that alone woulda avoided all.  
 
18th Nov 2009
Oh I am glad these days.  I love the fact that I am just simply, very simply doing what I do.  Also I am bemused by people that think I feel a thing for anyone in terms of envy.  That feeling is something i know I will never have.  I have finally come to that conclusion.  
I always never did and have never been able to really envy anybody.  Envy is when you want something that someone has but all that i ever was led to has always always been higher than whatever, in my own view.  A few years or time ago I was forced to let certain people do certain things that i really should have done for the benefit of other persons and not neccessarily myself, because myself i was alright.  I do all I can but its other people. And people who for SOME REASON feel that Miss A or Miss B should do this or that but really it is not the best idea for the wellbeing truely of other people.  I let it go then an ideio t says why did you not hold this like this or like that, why did you not do this like this.  You just 'pray' this like this etc.  I am wondering things work in order my dear.  If there is any such, it should also be good for me and not be ridiculously hard for me.  I am a creative person for life.  That is a permanent gift from above that will always always be.  Give a man a fish he will thank you.  teach him to fish, its food for life.  Simple.  So when its within. Sorry i know i will not be looking for whatever long.  I can make my own easily and there are some things that i know from experience I cant learn from a school. They are god given.  You have a high pitch voice.  Sometimes no school can teach you that.  They may better how you use it but they cant put it there. Simple.  There are many musical skills I know I have that I KNOW people cannot learn from any school same as any trade and proffession.  Some people are a dab hand at maths than others but all in the same class.  Any way this is not a lecture room.  If it were, I had simply turn it into one as I know where it is going. I am really grateful to God for my many gifts which from what I have seen many many well known people simply dont have. And I know that so long as I am living, in the long run it will shine.  I also know when people dont like something, they manipulate things.  that thing i dont want to see they make sure its in the paper the way it may bite. I am not looking at any one in the media except what interests me.  There is so much going on at the moment to me in my world and thats how I see things. I cant see it any other way.  whatever picks my interest is where I would be looking.  I may notice something because somebody did something where I am looking, this is why you may hear me make certain comment like this person was the belle or things like that, but truth is really truethfully and honestly I have no interest in that person especially if its a girl for any reason except i have a link or proffessional attachment to such a person. Also i am no hater and my mind is too preoccupied with things i got to do to do so. I did write many many tracks.  I come out wityh a little at a time and I know what I had done. Whatever is on myspace can only be classed as some of the very very least of the works of what is coming already prepared. I do my tester to see reaction too.  Afterall I am introducing myself. My blog is mainly for my fans because I know I have some, and for friends or people who consider themselves friends of chinie.  If you are not, this blog may infuriate you, may stir up all sorts of feelings that are and may not be positive for you who continues to read to see what you had feel and to feel it.  It is a simple factual autobio of occurrences.  That is what it is.
As you can see the date it started it did not start because of anyone, but my wish to simply get to show me to people that are interested in Chinie and to put to note certain occurences that has been, and also it helps to give a clearer picture of chinie. I may simply say things that happened.  What I think about something but it will be around the Chinie topic and around what happened. 
 
 
3rd Dec 2009
 
So much planned now.  I am thinking of fabulous places.  Chinie never has dreams much and when I do its often something else.  Now there is one dream I never wish to have again.  I dreamt of huge creatures.  They looked to be over 13 feet tall.  And large.  They were half human and half animal.  Human from the belly up and animal with four legs the other half.  It was awful.  Then there was Yul Brymmer (he's since dead though) giving the orders.  I always loved Yul Brymmer.  He was a wonderful actor.  Really was.  I like him and kept the films he was in.  You dont like every body.  I liked and kept the 'King and I'  and De Mills 'The Ten Commandments' in my bedroom through 2006 till I moved house. That was the first thing I always saw when I walked in home, those videos.  I always kept beside a 'bride to be' logo next to it to be symbolic because I knew there was a lot of activity around me and I wanted to make that an issue.  I loved looking at the covers. As at 2005 I watched those films a lot just before I totally stopped watching TV in 2006.  I felt a strong unexplained connection that was so healing for me.  That was also the year I had got into top gear.  How could I forget the experience.  That dream was last week and I didnt like it was Yul Brymmer in it and he was the only character in it that did not frighten me.  It had a message and I rather not talk about it.  I am never ever gonna have a dream like that again.  I hated so much. But I woke up feeling empowered.   I'd rather not talk about it.  Just looking scared the shit out of me.  I remember two walked in to a very large room through the walls and I was thinking, if a third walks in I shall pass out. On a more sweet note I also had a dream a while ago I had a son that reminded me of Damian from the Omen. Ahh. He was so beautiful. I wasnt scared.  ha ha. Such nonsense. I love angels and light.
 
 
4th Dec 2009 
Y'know its been a fairly nice day today despite the odds.  I know thankfully it has been raining and raining  all season.  This rain helped me through.Thankfully. On a night like this I think of all the romantic novels I read when I was twelve and thirteen as there used to be so many of them at home and some of them were so old from the sixties.  They were locked up but I opened them, and it smelt like old beautiful paper.  And I read all of them through the many holidays I had.  My aunties would turn up at the time my grandfather was still alive and I'd lock myself up in what used to be their bedroom as it was always empty when I turned up during the holidays.  I was always looking foward to those holidays only because of this. Those forbidden quite moments I'd lie in what used to be their bedroom reading those 'forbidden' books that my mum later somewhat knew that I was reading because of my nature, but,  denied it to herself or hoped I was good and did not try any out or find anybody to attempt to try it out with. My aunties, they were twins. Some had all long got married except one, and they had visit and always looking through the window, they had see me lying in one of their beds through the window, there were two beds in the room, and they had often say 'what is she doing locked in there? This was all I did during my holidays, readng romance novels because their were shelves and shelves and shelves of them kept by my mum, in locked cupboards, some in my aunties' old bedroom as I remember there were so many.  For me this was lolly.  It was lovely long time ago but still feels like today. I read the lot, all the romantic harlequins, mills and boons etc. It was endless.  I had take some of the romance novels to school and sit reading them during the break periods and therefore speak to noone, so they all assumed I was just quite. I tried not to let this interefere with my schoolworkthough, but I was a total goner in romance. I imagined I was the heroine and my prince charming was out there somewhere waiting to do all those things to me. Their were paragraphs in the books like 'He held her and kissed her so tightly until she was dizzy', I  must admit those sort of things got to me silly as it was.  I was totally carried away.  I often lived in dreamland. It was a lovely feeling and I wouldnt trade it for anything.  At the time I spent about a certain amount of every year my time per year spent in good old London.  Closest I got to this fantasy was when I was on a holiday.  I was with an older lady who was supposed to look after me during that holiday. We had gone on a shopping trip.  I had gone shopping.  I was growing fast at the time and looked older than I really was as a very young teen.  I had been to the salon and had my hair done. They had spent hours curling and perming. I remember I used to be approached always by much older guys at the time and I always had to explain I was too young.  On this occasion I was smiling back and she pulled me by the ear.  When I got home, I thought I had done something wrong. 
 
 
5th Dec 2009
Jedward
How many people love Jedward.  They look very smart and totally embody my perception of what  X Factor should been instead of being in my face.  I do wonder much as I never liked X-Factor.  If I would be on it someday. You just never know.  Anything is possible.  I like Jedward, their look, the way they dress in suits on X factor, how they look and how they present themselves and it'd had been nice if they had won. It would be nice if they went on to become stars.  Really.  I haven't noticed any other of the competitors as I dont watch because they did things that ahh.  Just as a lot of people fairly goodlooking Rihanna,  but she has dramatically changed in looks since umbrella, much lighter in colour than before by far, very different shaped, looks good though, same as many of the guys I can only think look great. I also like the boyband JLS.  They are very much the boy band if you are into boy bands.  In UK reality shows, they are different from the norm of boy bands normally in the UK. Maybe in some parts of Germany you'd find things like that, and other parts of the world. In my view they look good the way foward.  In terms of reality TV shows, if I was a judge, these people had win.  Jedward had win too. Just something about them that I like and is pleasant.  Haha reality shows. Maybe sometime I would be doing quite a few, who knows, and it would be just fun. Thats all. I particularly love that Tyra Banks show.  She looks good always.  I also like Oprah Winfrey show.  Who doesnt.  I always did.  I just love people I identify with easier given my true experiences.  Simple.
 
 
Sunday 6th Dec 2009
The All Important Difference
I have heard a lot of the music a lot of wonderful artists are doing.  It doesnt matter if its a dull song like Halo, with the right big bucks promotion it had go very far.  Thats all.  Anyone ever heard Jai ho?  I never understood what was Jai Ho by the beautuiful pussycat dolls, I like their name, always did, and Nicole is beautiful, but this is the only way to say the facts?  What is Jai Ho?  If you were a record deal exec signing an artist FOR THE FIRST TIME will you sign Jai Ho?  Truth is one always have to find the person doing the push for them.  Because I was Responsible for everything from the very concept and idea to the creation part and that includes how something looks like, and thats not all, the funding bit by myself as well, the audio itself from concept to creation myself as well, the actual act myself as well, the technical side myself as well, the make up, the legaliities I always have to have in order to at my cost too, so I know how stuff works.  The money I have to find it, then I find it. I was just starting.  As at December 2008, After I had just got my main website made,  I didnt do www.chinie.com, someone did the site I wanted for me, and for me it had to be original, something I always strive to be.  with my own ideas what I wanted on the site, had to pay, not paid for bysome major label, but I had to write the text and where I wanted things to be and I was happy with it as it was a first site.  I decided that site, I am never going to change it, but will leave it just as it is always, and use maybe ione of my other domains such as possibly a .net instead for later regularly updated sites.  www.chinie.com will simply remain as I originally made it in 2008, with its little dream.  When I was making so much effort with a lot on my hands and I mean a lot, I was creating soo many tracks, I totally loved it so much and was bursting with creativity therefore I had to work accordeing to how I was bursting with creativity. In the bnight, in the daytime. This is the only way to explain it 24/7 but sometimes always troubled and always worrtying about where I was gonna get enough funds to do what I wanted to do.  It was slow because I was the private funder as well as the creator which is not the norm and I was doing this at a large scale I was told often. It somply felt normal.  I felt fulfilled when I did what I wanted to do but it was just me. A Rohanna or beautiful Beyonce song would have been done with several men or songwriters etrc and producers but she will claim to be the producer and will have been funded by a big label.  Everything Chinie is seelf funded and I mean every little thing, and the art director would have to be myself.  Then afterward I had my house to look after at the time, and myself and my living expenses and I was just starting. Thats the difference.  So would you sue if you were me if anyone prankishly 'took some' without your permission or tries to tell you to get knotted etc. In the future as I proove myself things will be signed over towhom I please, but for now I have to make it.   Its like baking really which I did a lot of as a young teen, you have to go find your own fresh ingredients before you start.  That was how it was and that was the stop factor realistically and nothing else really.  I dont know any record exec I am not friendly with.  I only knew and totally trusted one that really was not in my view.  If not why make me wait one year?  The difference between is Chinie is totally self created by chinie, the videos created by Chinie, the backing music created by Chinie and everything at Chinie's own private expense, the lyrics written by Chinie.  All by Chinie.  Without Chinie, it wouldnt be.  Some like Rihanna is funded by a major label and its execs.  The music also mostly written by songwritters and everything organised by the label and all the money that she is given will be used to spend a fortune at the beauty parlour for the photos also paid for by they. A beautiful Beyonce will use her own money millions of dollars to look after herself, ever changing photos, one day its bigger boobs, the next its smaller boobs, and for those surgeons they have the mega funds to frequent and the clothes and hair salons.   Its like later I had easily do the same if I want.  I had write the song ( the reason I do this myself without many people is because its less hassle for me ( people can be full of trouble and I dont wantthat experiencethank you)  and I dont like interference'.  In the future I would do some with other people when I am more established.  Those I will have to always keep separate from all the many tracks that are good I did alone because i love what I own the most not what I dont thank you. Already done. I was doing them at the time. If I didnt there had be nothing to hear.  If I didnt make the site, put what I want, have a vision for it and do it as I want, there would be no site for anyone to see let alone even imagine what I should have done afterwards that I wasnt able to so fast given how much I was working with at the time.  If I didnt make the video no-one would even understand the concept what I was trying to do to decide how shoulda etc, or for someone to catch on to do so and so.  So I did.  Someone would have seen Bless My Day and said 'look what a record label gave this girl',  I heard it before and they do not know the truth. I use my own mind create my stuff at my own cost and it exist. And then I think of all those sleepless nights I had to make everything.  Bah.  Every artwork and its concept around it Chinie has to come up with the design idea what it will look like, and supply the photos already made to do so,  same as you will find in the cd's about to be available to buy in shops US. I am doing so for the books as well because I love to do so.  It'd be easy as its what I do.  It would also be easy for me to pick a much younger artist, preen and make a look and launch a career as I did mine but witha lot more experience I am sure I would have gathered from every angle.  It would just be a way of life.  Thats how I see it.  I dont like working with too many people, never have anyway to know what it is like but I am sure whatever it is I do that way,  I wont see it as my work at all, but  just as a collective shared because I want to do it.  Thats all because I have my own many, and if its good I will just go with whatever we are all doing.  Thats how I would see that. However I do see things very very differently to how I saw things last year.  Your friends really are the people who support you. This should be a basic rule for everybody. What is it that keeps you fulfilled?  A good /great job?  A good marriage or a very loved up marriage, a wonderful career may include doing just nothing but what you like to do.  The same rules apply at all levels and I see things very differently.  2007 and 2008 I was just so busy making, just making, and then I had oppositions because I was in the wrong place, because I see very clearly that different parts of the earth accept things very very differently. I needed time to learn and know that. And the end of the day its a long term career.  I'd probably set up a trust as my stuff begins to hit the airwaves more and more, and will separate what I give to whom, as I like.  I will have to create my own empire and see it that way.  If I do not get on a major which I even doubt at this point that is all that will happen.  An empire in a trust handed to attorneys because I have many many materials already and in the future from what I have learnt this year, the focus will be on getting out there. Because I was the producer, the concepter, the planner, the funder, the designer, the all else. I also think it was wicked for someone who knew betterseeing it that way and let me waste so much time knowing I could have done with that help. Just the wrong place to start thats all it was. And it took time for me to realise that and know.
 
 
This One Is The One I Forgot.
The People.
11Th Dec 2009
 
I am going through my email tonight and  for some reason my email does something very funny.  Sometimes it would push things to a page where I am able to see so many people, people I have totally forgotten who I was sending my work to who just kept quite. I remember there was this group called jamesgrant in the UK, website www.jamesgrant  I had first contacted them in June 2009 as I had been doing some radio in the Uk but remember because it was indie my pace of learning was slower than the norm.  I thought every major artist simply depended on their label. I had no idea that some did theirs and I only knew that from September this year.  Anyway I had been in touch with them and then on the 25th June here in the UK early in the day as I saw today on my email.  I had phoned them before 12 noon aroung 11 am.  It was the day I had woken up with that weird terrible blocked nose and that was one of the reasons I did not get ready to go work out when my mind said to go do so.  I listen to it a lot. I decided to make some phone calls first and in the morning in the london sun at home Ihad called Jamesgrant.co.uk having seen their details online looking for how to promote my work. I had been given a number to speak to a guy who only told me his name was NickW.  He would not tell me his surname.  To be honest because the record label exec I knew was always looking for an excuse to postpone things, and had urged me to do things myself this way, it was his idea, I found myself sending an email to NickW as he requested which could of course.  See afer speaking to him, I had given him links to all my special music sites and website because he said 'send me an email of what you have'.  I didnt want to send him cd's through the post as he wouldnt give a surname, so I sent certain special stream only websites made with tracks that are nowhere on the internet (they are not searchable and wont be found online without links).  They included some of my best tracks and that site is not on net. The tracks on them were playable but not downloadable.  So that midday in london I emailed to tha 'Nickw' as I knew him, all, and I mean all the links I had.  I am looking at the email I sent him today and I remember that I had sent all this.  I had sent it a few hours before my chest pains began on 25th June as that was the day I almost died.  I had sent one to him and one to a guy called Ben at the same office as I am looking at both 'sent' emails and the time sent my work as he had asked. Things were bad then. I had got up to my teters in worry and the recession at the time made me more worried. See I had found myself out of normal work and living off my own savings for long at that time in my view. MTV UK played a terrible major role.  There is a stereoptypical belief which I also had that first you do well at home then you take and go elsewhere. I worried why he would not tell me who he was or his surname beccause I remember asking but he said 'just NickW' so I simply trusted based on the fact their website had famous in the UK 'Ant and Dec's' pictures on it whom they possibly managed, and must be very big if it includes sports stars who earn a lot as claimed. Also this guy I was told by the reception handled only 'the music side of things'. So they have seen it all before. So he must know all about contract things and how to exploit those sort of things. There wasn't much left for them to do. I had done most of the work.  I only recently out of curiosity wondered who is this guy I sent this to as I neverreally heard from him again even though we spoke twice, before i sent the email, and after i sent the email and he said he'd go take a look and ring me back.  He didn't even email me to say anything even after we spoke at least to say something.  So I went to their website got the number and asked the reception who was nickW?  She said 'You mean Nick Worsely?  I said 'he handles music'.  She said yes its the director, he is founder of the firm.  I know anybody can start a firm so that doesnt phrase me anymore but wondered why he said nothing.  I remember speaking to him and he said he had seen it but will get back?? to me later so I thought he must be very busy.  I recently seen an artist they manage online, a video done this year with trees on it but not very good like Don Be Afraid.  I'm thinking 'is it this why?  A lot of people have been doing this before and this is nothing'.   I'm thinking I ought to be careful. I saw his account on twitter. I dont want anything from them anymore really.  I  also saw emails to and from someone else.  The UK major record label exec I had waited on. The one whom I went to his house to play my records as he said.  I had brought ten tracks to him that were complete and ready and mastered.  He had said things are changing fast.  I had told him at the time I first met him at his home in 2008 that I was out of normal work which was the strange case, recession was at an all time high and I had been busy doing this, and when I needed to do something else to make it easier I found it hard to do. I simply didnt have those people and the people that would have known where to give what, I didnt have. In my view that guy was in the best position to do so because of what he did for a living and his actual job as given to him.  I had taken with me 10, and not the normal three to four tracks to him to his home where he asked to come and play them. I had a bottle of wine with him which he brought in and opened the wine there, I had the most, and after I discussed my reason for being there.  Truth is everyone was always trying to say to me, AFTER you this and AFTER you do that, which was a good excuse, but inside I knew there were no afters.  He seemed to enjoy the tracks, I had a particular song called Schubambam which was supposed to out in the summer 2009 and 'Your Love Is' which I was hoping would be out for summer 2009 too, should have been 2008 really, and 'Have a Nice Day' Summer tracks and they were among the best of them.  Because I had at least three summer stuff that were very good I thought I was gonna make it come at the people one after another that way.  I noticed he lingered on a song called 'Your Smile'. I also know he liked the song and I know it was one of the best really, better than the summer tracks. It was not a summerry track but a more powerful rock stuff.  I knew it was very good because of the rock guiters in it but marketing was no me, what I knew was production, and  would have needed a major label to handle that and not me if anything was to be done within months that is.  Anybody would need time to learn the ropes. He made it clear he was leaving the major label where he was head of that sort of thing which is how I first reached him, for another major label.  We got talkingtill it was 11pm.  Soon I was getting constant phonecalls from home late that night,  asking me to come over because a family member I had not seen in years had turned up in the UK to visit and was leaving very early the next morning.  The phone calls got more constant so I told him I had to go and will come back another day.  He had been kind enough to ask me to stay till next day.  He also did his own label. I didnt care which label did what. Fact is everything I was looking was looking for whatever within the UK where I lived.  I also needed money.  I thought first you did well then you take it abroad afterwards.  Wrong.
 
 
12th Dec 2009
 
Today its Saturday.  I wake up late.  I'm thinking I ought to work saturdays.  I have been utterly busy this week.  I also dreamt no end last night.  The ridiculous I think.  There was a time last year I had go to sleep and not dream a thing.  Just go to sleep and wake up..  Five days ago I had had a special dream.  I am willing to share with the world.  In the dream I am little again.  I am holding a little doll or two.  Its a mermaid doll wearing tightly clung to its skin a blueish shiny mermaid tail dress.  With the fish tail so we all know its a mermaid doll.  I am little girl again in the dream and I am sitting on the floor playing with the dolls.  The light is on.  There is noone else around.  I hear a song at the background, which fills the room.  Its a song I last heard years ago as a little child which under no circumstances at all I would remember as I never play country music.  It was country music and the lyrics that stuck out  which i heard very clearly was 'My love for you will never die'.  I had heard that song as a child before and as a child did not pay any attention to the words, just the melody I remember, and I would have had a hard time even knowing which song it was if I had not heard those words. I couldnt have even known the words but I heard the words clearly.  The words were:
'Some broken hearts never mend, some memories never end, some tears will never dry, but my love for you will never die'.  The 'My Love For You Will Never Die' is the one that stuck out the most.
 
Then the backing song continued, very country style.  This song left a bad taste in my mouth.  I was not sure who was the singer but it was a man, but when I woke up I began to sing it all day.  Also the song carried on for a while, then after a while it stopped and I saw myself lying down looking asleep just as I went to sleep that night and a boy's voice like it was coming from above my head would say 'Hey You'. He was talking to me but thought I was asleep and could not hear him, but at that point I was literilly half awake and could hear him. The actual music continued again then it would stop then the same boy's voice like a bold nine or ten year old possibly would say at me ' Hey you' and this time he was pointing at me, and he was talking louder than before.  I noticed he never said 'You' on its own, he always made an emphasis to add 'Hey, before he added 'You'.  'Hey You'.  I didnt move from where I lay knowing he was talking to me thinking I could not hear him. The boykept saying this but I didnt bulge from there.  That song made me cry when I got up.  I have done an extensive search and found it was a song called ' Some broken hearts never mend' country song by Don because I remeber that song which is past.  I was only able to do this because of the words I heard in the song.
 
 
13th Dec 2009
Its early morning.  More like 2.31 am.  Of course cant sleep.  So may be online till the morning.  I have seen something on the 'news of the world'. Truth is I dont have any interest really in what is there as such as world happenings.  I dont want to know who is the latest star.  Truth is till now they write things I dont like.  I am doing what I do because I love to do so and on second thoughts I think I enjoy being in control of my own thing. My own little corner.  I dont care what anyone does, not competing with anyone and never would, if I wanted to should have done so years ago, not now you see.  If it is an award or music career thing, its only a career thing and not real life. So I love and cherish my own thing and a relaxed attitude to doing your own where you could.  I also think anyone that thinks I should care what some new artist does should go ask her to be their girlfriend if it it is their thing. Their problem. That is the best answer. It has nothing to do with me.  I have nothing to do with that area.  I really believe what is your will simply come to you in its way if it was ever really yours,  and anything anyone strives to take, for instance some girls do so much to get a millionaire to marry them then he starts to fool around with a many a girl becaue of truely how it was gotten in the first place. Maybe he was too young and didnt know what he was doing yet but there had be people that push for it.  This is human nature afterall.
 
 
18th Dec 2009
Christmas is just round the corner.  This year its snowy and I hate the snow.  I prefer it when it rains.  For some reason its not even noticeable, Christmas that is.  Its nice to see some people being so happy on the papers and smiling.  For some 2009 is their year of everything, additional feathers to their hats. For others it is not and that is fact.  I believe such things say a lot of things much louder than whatever anybody can ever say even in the papers.  Circumstances say soo much about a situation, a things and a happening.  It has always been that way since history began. How things are going for someone at a certain time while it is so or so for another before everyone constantly say a lot than we can ever state or pretend it to be.  Really.  Why did my career that looked like it was going to fly this year with awards on its walls, to everyone suddenly crumble, that I had to just been picking up the pieces, this is all I have been doing this year.  Amazingly well by guidance that is. Terrible year.  I know the optimism I had at the start of the year.  But then I ended up not releasing things that should have been released for the summer. Truth is I am not too interested in certain things right now at this time.  When things are quite,  it reinforces the fact to me that certain things are much more important and should be in my life, I think I should onto those thank you.  It simply reonforces to mua that is that, I am not a big artist.  So what?  I always said that and never said otherwise.  Like everyone my mind should stay where my happiness is. Things I must do for 2010 is to have kid I decided. I have been saying so for 5 years every new year.  My career AFTERALL is very fly about and I am no longer interested in striving. But I try to do so as a way of life because its what I do and will always prefer to do. I like showbiz really. So other things take paramount like my personal life which I must not let anyone interfere,  just take paramount if I have any sense at all. I amnot interested in what any young big female artist does or even achieves really to be very honest. Not at all.  I should be doing happy birthday for my kids when I have them and not worrying myself about nonsense, blowing out birthday cakes, having a good time, going places I want to go. etc.  To me vital and that is the life.  Please.  Thank you.  I waited for the music, I made it  and can do a lot with it later I'm thinking and I did a lot.  I am living for me and will simply begin to enjoy my music, whatever it brings doesnt matter.  Thats it. Then one day I too will be gone like everybody else.  Therefore my plans must change. Wala.  
 
 
1st Jan 2010
Feelin Sorry
Dont get me wrong for this topic but thats something I must put here. I wonder wonder what will be?  Live for today, fret for tommorow.  I dont care what ANYBODY thinks.  I am just doing what I feel like. This christmas a breeze in not such a breezy way, but my breeze.  Yeah.  Its whatever I want it to be.  I hate winter and thats a fact because everyone is cuddling up trying to keep alive from the negative weather factors.  I slept a lot today too when I was trying to do so many things.  I dreamt so much too.  I dreamt of all those babies I saw in the pool the yesterday.  I used to enjoy that a lot a few years ago,  I noticed the mothers were bringing them to the pool because it was so large.  So many kids of age 0 to 13 frequent there and sometimes the majoriity are 0 to 4 years old and they are the ones I noticed that loved to show off, some of them do.  Why I had the funny dream? there were two twins there about 2 years old,  I am sure they were one of the kids that were being brought in when they were just born 2 years ago when I used to frequent there. 
 
I simply stopped going Dec 2008 when I moved and then joined a the gym to check (daft) on what was going on with my video given to Doug sandland at clubcom UK for he had delayed it. I decided to resume in July as I missed it.  I missed the better atmosphere of the tornado of children that were always there and stopped the other over adulted horrid one.  It was more friendly atmosphere.  I noticed the babies made you watch them.  They screamed for attention, they cried when you didnt look. Constantly seeking attention. One two year old stamped her feet screaming for attention from everyone near the pool.  I laugh when I think about it. Then she swam and swamand she was constantly smiling at me, and when I got home, I dreamt of her.  She is not stamping her foot in rage, she is smiling. I am carrying so many children, this child, then that child, then the other child, it was beautiful and it felt beautiful.  I could almost feel it all.  It went on into the early afternoon, then I awake. Hola. Its much more fun, I love those kind of dream, beautiful faces doe eyes, beautiful. 
 
I dreamt many dreams as I wake up and I think I must get up and do this or get up and do that, then I fall asleep again and there goees another dream.  I dream of robbins near a chandelier.  They are singing and a fat little bird was nodding its head and chest and dancing.  I did not know what to make of this.  We were in a red car I and some other people.  Quite a few of us I dont know who they are but know one is someone I work with on the music I never met.  The car is quite large in we drive thorugh some rocky roads then the car halts and we see quite a few robbins dancing perched next to a chandelier but a fat robbin was rockin and appeared to be singing and I could not make out what it was singing.  I also preferred not to hear it.  I even thought this sort of dream is not good for the mind.  I have got to wake up I thought. I cant remember the rest afterward but the last was the party corner which is where the kids do party and then I am carrying so many diferent kids, some I recognize as some of those kids and some I do not and it was all lovely.  Then I awoke. This new year reminds me that everyday is one step closer to the end.  Remember that.
 
 
7th Jan 2010
I was thinking of the film 'hand that rocked the cradle'. Have you watched it before? Its an old film and I watched most of it a few times.  Amazing. I wonder what I'd be doing in 50 years time. I am thinking of a silly dream I had in 2008 when I still lived at Essex.  In the dream I was with a lot of girls in a well lighted room.  We were shreiking in silly voices 'ahhhh', and a lot of water was chasing after us.  It was making noises like someone blowing air into a straw put in a cup full of water or soda, something I do all the time.  And we were all going 'ahhh' in silly shrieky voices.  It was silly.  If you ever watched the film 'The blob', you'd understand.  Then there was the semi dream/vision I had L had back then when I had woken up to hear voice say 'I know of a man, 14 years ago, I dont know when, who went up into the first heavens,then the voice said,  I know of a man 14 years ago who went up into the third heavens'  etc.  I didnt even want to hear any more.  I had also seen that passage for the first time before.  To ease my fears 'I rebuke you' came off my mouth, and it was like someone had knocked fear as it went away. You see the only light in the house was in the kitchen which was near to the living room which I had decided to convert to bedroom as i was filming a lot so I had put fluffy bed matresses as I like it  (I always got rid of the bed so uncomfortable), a practice I had for years. It was realy dim and I had grown used to it when it became like that. I dont think I ever had fear really except that night I felt a precense and it wasnt really godly. My mum made matters worse when I told her and she said 'thats a bad omen and all sorts of things'. I decided not to go home that night and went home next day.  I always like films like 'night at the museum'. I used to think that i'd make a movie like that.  Its very much my sort of thing.  I remember thinking when I went for a chance festival at oxford circus, went to many like that, and there was a large special ad for 'Night at the museum' at oxford street, and I thought, they, Ben Stiller and co took this right off my heart.  But then he is the actor, not the film maker.  I love the film. I never really watched it but have seen excepts. And its the sort of thing I'd give time if I have it to watch. Very much so.  I am also glad it exists maybe i'd give myself a treatand watch it but only at a cinema. I cant stand watching a film at home so boring.  Silly silly tonight.
 
 
9th Jan 2010
I know its 3 am.  I'm listening to 'I'm all out of love' by enigma.  Its one of my most favourite tracks ever.  Now I am listening to Guilty by Streisand, that too, and I remember how I used to feel on a beautiful high a few years ago doing whatever I was doing listening to that track, 'guilty' by striesand.  Ironically by the time I even decided to write this and type it the next track is on,  and now its eternal flame, by eternal.  I love it, so emotional when I feel like hearing it. Y'know yesterday I went past a place in London that I remember going past with the film crew in 2008 and I remember telling them I'd love to make a film like 'Sleepless in Seattle' right there.  I never really watched it but I knew what it was like, what it looked like and I saw many parts of it. That was almost three years ago as its 2010 now.  OMG. Everything about the look of the movie facinated me and there are not many movies that do so.  Many of my early tracks have the words 'boom' specifically in them with exception of Bless My Day and Dont Be Afraid.  Almost every other track written and recorded vocally (not the video) the same year 2006-2007 has that word in it, 'boom' like Bebop (one of the only 4 on my myspace), there are others like it done at same time all with that same word, but I haven't released them. It was like the code. This was the not good part when a few things began to surface 2008 with that. I remember a feeling I did not like.  So when I saw things like that going far with certain artists I knew then that something had gone amiss and I could not find it.  I just wasnt sure what it was.  I dont know what I'd be doing in 20 years time but I do know It'd be a long career. Since 2007 had been hoping to move to Nevada and may do so. Very much my kind of place for my other kind of music (Not Bless My Day or anything currently on myspace even).  Maybe a lotta productions, since thats my hobby.  I am not saying I would be amazing film director etc,  I am just saying I will have fun. When I begin to release the much better work I made a few years ago.  Can only be one at a time, may sign some, may sell what I want if I can bear to,  I doubt it, etc.  Its my work for I wrote them, not someone else's so I could take them where I want could I not?.  My business.  
 
 
 
12th Jan 2010
Sometimes when I write here I want to key in 2009 then I pinch myself when I see its 2010.  Its awful. Recently I have actually been hearing people saying 'You, this is what you shoulda done since 2008, this is what you shoulda done so and so' like an accusation and its constant. I hate it.  Forgot one thing,  I did do do so so so and sent so so so.  And most imoportantly and factually, I am just wee small label not a mega big coorporation so anyone comparing mua to all those mega funded artists, not good, but then again I wonder how I'd done in that shoe.  If you are the jealous please be happy because I can only imagine that and I myself wouldnt get it.  This way I see some of it.   I mean I remember the first time I went to visit the exec at his place in london.  The one I had taken the 10 tracks.  When I told my french person I work with he said 'You must be mad, that person is not professional as people do not take such work home and they'd sleep with you and dump you'. Just the mere suggesstion left me angry.  'Do I look like a little girl who can be conned that way, shouldnt he be afraid'?  I'd hate to be used.  I Thought that was more informal.  Like having a cup of coffee which I never really do at persons places since i am soo busy and spend free time in my company.  Maybe I would get my way. He was very neat and he even invited me to come swim at the pool sometimes. Although I did lie on his bed, I dont even know how I got there, at a point and he lay on top of me and starred at me to see what I was going to do next and then I got up.  Although I did kiss him on the cheeks looking for my favour but that was it.  I feel if you have some respect for yourself, people will respect you a little at least. Although he did invite me for other 'coffees' through last year when we chat chat chat, I'm good at it as he is an intl head of that sort of things at very major label and was traveling a lot, and I didnt turn up for some reason or the other, and it went sour sour middle of last year in my mind for good.  He was a good listener even till this 2010, and I must driven him mad as I didnt get what I asked.  However I think your music should decide.  And he being like an intl head of that sort of thing I couldnt have sent them to anyone else. Then there is the other major label he went for after?  I have to say I hate people that make me suffer and they know they made me suffer. I have always lived a life to shield myself thank you. I mean he had told me how he groomed Britney Spears in ways that almost made me wonder if he had slept with Britney Spears. I also thought he was just fantasizing.  Does he know how wealthy Miss Spears is?  I like him as person if he didnt do what he did for a living and then I didnt have a deal, I'd tag along at all cost. Whatever you do make sure its guaranteed. No
 
 
 
The best dream I'd never forget:
Now I also remember a sweet dream I had in Oct 2009.  To be honest its had been gloomy last year because I had had a very very optimistic shining begining early last year then it went sour.  I was feeling really good but by May 2009 I got tired.  I guess sour is the right word.  In that dream its that boy who was saying 'Hey You' possibly which I had dreamt later but it was amost cartoonish this dream.  It reminded me of a 1960's or 70's black sitcom or something like that.  I never seen something like that before.  The place was complete with small swimming pool.  It was a very colourful scenario.  It reminded me of a 60's or 70's black family sitcom, you know the ones where people laugh when someone says something only much much more colourful to look at.  Me being a fun person, with the right sort of money I could attempt to recreate it only if there is calling to do so. It had an indoor swimming pool and I was at the other side of the pool.  There was a divison between me and the boy, he came down a toyish type of white painted stairs ( I loved the type of stairs it was and the designs on it) and he said 'go home, go home??? in a small boy's voice. And I am wondering what I am even doing there and how he saw me.  I thought I was just looking at what was before me as an onlooker. 
 
It was the feel of the place.  I wont tell most of it but its so beautiful and maybe in the future when its time I will say so only after I have made the song thank you.  Before I had gone to sleep that night I had kept a type of lotion at the head of my bed where my head is, and it was made of a certain plant I wont mention sorry all,  which became the basis the song he began to sing in the dream. Then he began to sing 'I know how to do my (this is where the name of plant should be) and then he continued  'oh yes, oh yes I do etc...' I rather not say any more of the rest of the words because its really good and I dont wantto give any away. The song was very good. The song was punchy so beautiful and I noticed it avoided anything adult or innuendo. I also noticed there was another guy following nearby looking sly, he had make up on his eyes with eye pencil and he was looking like he's thinking 'what is he up to now/this time'?  That sort of look and I was wondering why he is following him.  Also when I woke up everything I saw that day pieced together the puzzle.  That would be my career.  The one I had been looking for since.  I'm never gonna mention that here but I felt so blessed for that sort of experience.
 
I love the sound of that song, the melody, the harmony, and I'm thinking if I sing This Song in 2010 I shall DEFINITELY make a fortune if it was promoted properly, and even if it wasnt this kind will rise from the mud.  I thought it was an adult in a child's body but it was a child's voice.  Its the tune that is very catchy.  And i'm thinking he's giving me a song.  Coupled with the schubambam song I already had made in 2008 which I was hoping to release in the summer of 2009, and I actually do so soon that would do wonders for me as its both a summer song.  See schubambam is one of my best songs.  Everything on myspace on myspace is nothing compared to those summer tracks.  Schubambam was not ready for release early enough for summer 2008 and would have been my strongest song to have released. I remember that June 2008 I began to have so many many financial problems.  In the past whenever I had financial problems just as an ordinary girl, my dad as a business man had the same problems even if he didnt have it before.  Soon that was not the case when I hit a certain age.  I thought where did that go. I noticed that pattern as it became clear to me.  He wasnt good and didnt understand.  But by July-August 2008 it really was a bad time for me and I was already submitting stuff to people in UK as at September Oct 2008.
 
That exec had of course had copies of the track I gave him and he had told me at his place that the videos could be released even in five years time and it'd be oklay.  I was alarmed at that point. And I'm trying to explain, do you know my money is finished and there was this recession everywhere and me not having been in a full time work as I was directing, creating and doing all this from my pocket, I will have a very terrible time I thought.  I also noticed a pattern that in the UK there was a prolonged no reply.  One person was cying when I submitted stuff and it wasnt the best of my work even, I was in financial trouble that I would never had been in a major label. Didnt she understand, I thought inside. I wasnt even in normal work, how could I, and then there was a nasty 2008 recession, God knows how I did so and so that cost so much, and I was desperate at the time. I was also following the drive inside of me.  I had to quench it eventually.  I had invested all I had. I also knew that my name possibly had something to do with it or maybe it could even be my artist name, I thought.  See in some parts of the world people called shawana, Nanayana, Tayaya, chinenye, chinanan,chimwemenda, anything etc is very well and acceptable to make it with small effort. In the UK if I was Chinenye and blonde I'd have had a record deal 2 years ago without even asking with the sort of work I made.  Girl from Dumfries etc. It takes getting used to. I also knew there was a jealousy from some comments I had.  When I quit sending out so much at home and decided to go to other side the reply was very simply professional, more fair, I did not have to be a lass from Lancashire ( I love lancashire so much, I ebven lived there once in a place called Nelson) which is how something like the Sun paper etc would have probably put it. Just be myself, and was what it should be.  However it took many months to even realise that.  Then there was those many many things I was asked to do through the many experiences this way I wont say here ever and I'm trying to make sense understand it all.  Do you know what people would say? I shall be crucified. No I thought.  Even though I know its in best interest. For that I shall be crucified by a jealous mob. It does happen to people. Not now but I knew it was vital.
 
Which almost reminded me going back 3+ years back just shortly after James Brown passing, I was so upset in ways I never thought I could I  could be.  It was really bad. I remember I was speaking to that my old friend who was about his age on the phone and suddenly I saw him (mr brown), its something I dont think  I want to mention here.  I rather not say for he was carrying something made of wood that was really heavy. He'd get up then he'd fall under its weight.  I may remove this. Then My friend who has a tendency because he's always talking to me to know something wasnt right kept quite as I find he always does when such things happen.  He always does that whenever such things happen. Afterwards, as I was about to go to sleep that night I had pondered on that thought.  Then I thought why?  Like I was in a conversation looking up lying on my bed.  The next thing I saw was many many many people.  It was like something you'd find at say at say a  'Glastonbury festival' or an artist playing at a 'Wembley' which is very big venue,something like that, a very very big gig.  There were so many people and their hands were outstreched.  And I thought 'what about them people?'  I dont get it 'so what about them?'. That is what I want to do.  I of course had never been to any of his gigs.  I am looking foward to something like that too hopefully I thought. That stayed in my mind.
 
 
 
13th Jan 2010
 
I am listening to a new song called 'New York' Dont know if thats the name of the track but I guess it must be,  its sung by Mr  Jay Z Carter and Ms Alicia Keys.  First I thought it was Mrs Carter but its Alicia and she can sing awesome.  Its a lovely track.  Really classy in terms of pop songs I think it is.  I also earlier this early morning ( Its about 5.30 a.m).  I listened to a lady gaga track,  I think its the latest one I dont know what its called but I think its really nicely made, very good quality I have to be honest thank you.  I am thinking I am gonna make something like that mybe in the future I cant start making new tracks because I also have very high quality stuff I am gonna release later already done.  I love my label and had love to watch it grow.  I shall have fun doing so.  Make many friends.  I may even charge for you to access this site for I know if you are interested in what I have to say here, for you will not read the next word let alone sentence if you werent.  If you got to here there is a reason why you are still reading.  For me its just my real life memoir that I am allowing you to read for free only and only because I'm new.  Some of the things here I myself had probably forget them had I not written them down.  If you dont know the artist a little you may not understand.  So its a little insight.  The sort of existence.  We are all different people.  And you will carry on reading if you got this far because curiousty will get the better of you.  I am now listening to Tinchy Stryder,  Its one of my most favourite tracks and called 'Number 1'.  I love it I love the lyrics since it first came out.   Its something like this : 'I dont understand how your number with a little of --- you are the one'.  Beautiful lyrics and put together song.  Maybe I'd be a reviewer in the future.  Go work for MTV or start mine.  I am gonna that because its coming sometime.  I may also remove a few things if I dont want it here and the site is subject to change.  There are a million and one people you had meet as you go here and there.   I got my invitation to the Brits.  I dont know if I'd go as I wont get any award but will watch people pichk that awards because some things didnt do like that were meant to do last year so I get the result this year.   Thats all.  But there had be many many others and I'd be at many many places.  Enjoy myself but next time try to get an award.  Ha ha. See those two tracks were entered at random for many things.  Not the Brits because I have to start that release afresh here.  So I'm just doing.  You know as MC hammer says 'I'm just rolling on'.  So I will let you see it and after if I dont feel good about it I can remove anything I want. I can charge you that is so interested to access, I can it unnavailable as a webpage and be a handbag blogger. I love doing that too. 
 
I am writing three new books so its fun.  I am doing a childrens book which is easier and I always enjoy doing.  I wrote my first when I was 12 and published when I was 13 but went out of circulation as it was self done.  It was fun.  For me books are so so much easier and quicker to do than videos or worse still a new song, and of course a song requires skill which is my skill.  I have up to 100  songs so its gonna take years to do releases and I think in the future I may be releasing stuff every month when its good.  I'll get there.  I allow all this to be read because I know I am not coming down this road in the future to be honest.  Last christmas I had been glued to the TV most times.  I had forced myself to watch a Bing Cosby or something like that.  He used to be very famous and still is.  Its like I used listening to Lil Richard.  He's old man now and has been a little old since I was little I think.  I also watched a film I used to watch a lot as a child called 'carry on camel'  I think I must have watched all the 'carry ons'.  I may also remove some things if I dont want the wrong persons to see it for you see people look at things for different reasons.  I didnt dream with anybody and dont have to tell anybody.  It wouldnt change what I know.  It would just change what someone thinks I dont know or do know.  In this world you can only be yourself, not what someone else wants you to be.  I did not create any new songs in 2009 I realise.  Most of the many many tracks I had created and written were made before and during 2008.  There is so much to release.  I have tracks done in Chinese (Mandarin ) I find it hard to work in cantonese and there is no point, did in Japanese, in French, In Spanish, In Russian, In Portuguese I love them so much the portuguese and nothing was done in 2009.  Oh how I played with those and it cost me but I loved it AND I am glad I did it.  All those were before and during by mid 2008.  Unlike video it doesnt really matter much when a track was made as such.  I enjoyed it so and I worked so hard, and I mean really hard, and I'm glad I did because I am not in that mood anymore for languages.  There are some things I did that sound so so so incredibly happy which is why I knew I couldnt release them at a certain time. None of those tracks are on myspace until things are ready.  They are things that  had be properly released to radio, to TV worldwide because they are always made to those standards.  Because that is my business. I had a catalogue made before I even knew I had finished my money.  Ha ha.  I played roulette. Then I had videos made and its not just two.  There are documentaries etc so many I had been and will be working on so I have my own. It was fun.  Nothing can change what happened because it happened. I dont know why they happened. Its bad when you know so much and you are not able to do what you should do.  Its bad because when you do what you are called to do, even the world will smile with you. Its sad when I can hear people's thoughts.  For many years people said I was telepathic.  I really think I have enough material to match someone who had been in the business for many many years and I am not kidding.  Infact I know that because  I have been told already.  I had no plans to make any new songs, there are so many promos to do, things to release, when you finish keep your royalties, but then that dream came and I thought I'd make room for a few more.  
 
In the future I wont be letting people into my world this way so enjoy you may also forget it you may not, you may remember snippets.  I also know had something been in my care I had had put in certain place.  There are places certain things wouldnt be and I know why.  Simple.  When a damage has been done you might as well blurt it out because the damage has been done therefore there is nothing to hide.  In my mind really I tell anyone who dont like it to take a hike. I dont care. I allow myself to say so because I am sick of people who say 'why didnt do this and why didnt you do that'?  Why did you one year a song/video etc?  Some people even start to say so the moment they take just one look at any of my work.  Some the moment they set eyes on my webpage which I dont even go to myself anymore but I know its there.  Some the moment they set eyes on 'Bless My Day' video.  People expect so much responsibility for things I do not even know.  Yet sometimes the worst part is that its the persons whom I asked to do this or to do that and they didnt do it, that actually say 'you shoulda done this' and 'shoulda done that' and I'm thinking 'with what?'.  I dont even have to be a singer to be a personality but it helps.  I am a songwriter. When I finished producing my first music videos and started doing so many documentaries few I hope be out this year, I thought I must do films with all those dreams.  Of course.  I do a lot of giveaways because I'm new.  All new artists have to do a lot of giveaways so videos are watched for free etc before they even hit some TV stations. I have brought you to my domain.  Right now you are on this site for your own reason because you want to be and you will be back.  Bet me.  
 
 
Jan 18th 2010
 
Its one of those days. I had woke up at 3 a.m today.  Its a new day.  I am happy in my own skin.  I am not concerned about anyones opinions. I see a lot of awful news on the newses today except for people kissing.  I believe in live and let live and do what makes you happy.  I do my own thing.  I wonder if my ability to be jealous at least has been switched off?  I find I cant be jealous of anyone for anything.  Why?  I think I better continue this later today.  I am glad I am not wanting to eat all those things that are bad for me.
 
 
21st Jan 2010
 
See I never came back to continue that later that day.  I dont even know what to write.  Maybe I wont write anything.  Havent dissapeared, still blogging.  Cheers.
 
 
22nd Jan 2010
 
Today, I am feeling ashamed and I dont know why.  There is nothing to say.
 
 
 
23rd Jan 2010
 
Today I remembered that 'Funny Cleo Dream' I had pasted on my myspace blog on the 6th June 2009.  I knew the date because I went to my myspace to look it up the date I pasted that blog.  It was 6th June 2009.  You'd have to 'view all blogs' to find it as I had to.  It was a dream I had had not too long before that about 'cleapatra' without the athony as i put as it stuck out.  I never dreamed of cleapatra before and never thought in that direction ever at all.  So when I did I thought what do I do at myspace.  I had had themyspace but really wasnt interested and thatlabel exec kept asking me it.  So I decided i would put one of my many dreams and chose the cleopatra dream.  Its on myspace as the first blog on the 6th June 2009.  Here is a copy from www.myspace.com/chinieofficial:
 
 
'Not long ago I dreamt of Cleaopatra- minus the Anthony.  I dont know why I dreamt of Cleopatra of all people-not on earth.  I was in a little place that looked like leafy parts of Africa in a peaceful village.  A lady I can best describe as looking like Iman (she was a model and does cosmetic range) but this cleaopatra had short almost afro hair.  This cleapatra looked like a statue I had seen photos of when I thoght about it later.  She did not have long hair.  Her hair was short and afro contrary to my belief of what I thought Cleopatra should look like.  She was dark with a build just like the statue.  I always thought the statue was done by an ancient artist working from his imagination as he couldnt have been there that long ago, or was he?  She sat very simply, smiling all the time. Another woman was sitting next to her.  A man said come and meet Cleaoatra. I knew it was a dream as Cleapatra doesnt exist anymore.  She crossed her hands on her knees as she giggled which is all she ever did 'hee heee' she , and she was smiling without stopping.  They (she and the woman with her were sitting on very small old brown stools).  'Hee hee' she giggled.  I was smiling too.  I went with the man to meet 'Cleopatra'.  She was still giggling. 'Hee hee'.  I and the man walked up to her and he said 'Shake her hands'.  'Cleopatra' I said as matter curtesy, 'Are you Cleopatra, I cant believe its ' I said as i shook her hands.  'hee hee' she giggled as our hands met.  Then I woke up. Wuz funny.  But pleasant indeed'.
 
 
Now thats exactly what I wrote on the 6th June 2009 on myspace blog.  To be quite honest I didnt even want to do a myspace initially although I had a myspace account for a while.  I had just got the account, left it dormant and gone looking for a record deal in the UK.  And my reference to a peaceful African village must let you know I have been to one many times.  Just like there are villages in every country in the world maybe except a few countries.  there are villages in Scotland, and wales and everywhere else I love to go to too.  I have been to some. I dont know many but at the village I know there I know its beautiful.  The house ours there has over 40 bedrooms.  It has quite a few underground rooms too and is big.  As a child and teenager the visits were beautiful.  I know the old women liked to hug me whenever they saw me as many always at our place at the village. They had say 'chi chi' like I was theirs, and hug and hug me. If you want a chieftency title it had come from there.  I guess the one I know is not like the ones I used to see on tv.  Its beautiful but backward, more primitive.  I only went there at some christmases if I was not in London.   However there were also women around some who worked for the family came too.  The house always smelt a little dusty because of the dry weather, and my dad whose hubby as I grew was building houses there and buying cars.  He liked them big. However homes in Africa dont cost the same as western houses although they could be large and even very good looking.  Also its common to have more than one 'wife' there.  You dont even have to be a muslim to do so.  That was always the excuse, my mum being the wedded wife.  They had all answer your name.  
 
I mean my bedroom,  I could have chosen any room as we were asked to choose, and  my room was the pink one with pink wallpaper that stayed the same.  I had gone and brought in a white marbleish dressing table with a beautiful large oval mirrors, which was in a furniture storage for rooms being fixed, I had carried that and put in the room, my bedroom with its large windows on the third floor and flowers on the side of the window were they grew.  Of course its not as very very advanced as in western places, but its a village I pinched myself to remember.  I loved my chosen bedroom whenever I was at the village.  It looked at the time like a room abroad because it had wallpapers which really you only find in old films (its accepted because no such thing as out of fashion in such a place, even generally for me really) but it was pink which said it was my room with lots of flowers prints on it and flowers growing next to the windows were I could plant mine.  I felt really loved because of that.  Next to it on walking through a mini hallway was my sisters bedroom with her chosen wall paper (white and tiny purple flowers)  and next to it all was our bathroom, tiles as normal and it was not large.  When you looked out from the large windows you'd see the ladies who decide to cook outside doing so as you had a bath from the third floor but you wouldnt let anyone see you.  Lots of people were always there at the time, always.  Endlesss guests with all the maids doing whatever and looking for attention. But it could be boring to me except for the people who played music at night.  The smells, the sounds oh it was beautiful. Then the chinese meals sometimes and I'm thinking where did they get these from here?  And then the ethnic meals.  It was a combination.  The maids' attempts at western cookery especially was flawed always but everyone went for it.  They had try to make something like hotdog,  and sometimes I'd help with people just wanting me to leave the kitchen.  I'd think 'is this the hot dog' it was sorry.  At night I had watch 'laurel and hardy' an old 1930's english comedy sitcom for hours on end.  The same thing I had spend hours on end watching in London too as a 12 or 13 year old because I remember hours glued to the TV at the time.  I was hooked on Laurel and Hardy. Same as I was with Blondie and Dagwood when abroad which didnt air in England at all, never saw it once. Then sometimes I may venture out the gates at the village to see around and then the hugs and so on from the older women when they see you.  There was love.  Then we had go back to our place in the town after a month and it was often in cars that went in a straight line.  Housekeepers were local girls from the village who wanted a better life in the city. New ones often joined at this time who were desperate to live in the towns, children, friends,etc in cars in a straight line.  That was something.  I dont think anyone would want to travel like that there now but I have seen some people that do so here and it brought memories back.  Keeping up appearances was a must because whenever anyone had a new baby even if your wife, girlfriend, male hubby, etc  was from any other part of the world, they had to take it there and the women had do something like a dance and a particular song. If she was blond they had make her wear african attire for whatever. Then they had pass the baby around one woman to the other. Many people I noticed felt good with it.  Infact some people had go as far as taking a chieftency title (Chieftency titles are african kingships, queenships that are done via a ceremony.  It could be a small kingship or queenship, it can also be a lot. Such Ceremonies are often old and ritualistic and a person would be made to wear certain attires to initiate you to your kingship or queenship and your declaration of acceptance before the people who are doing it or the public. Some women I hear even do so, which I have never witnessed either way for a man or for a woman as I considered it too much for me to see. Too much ancient ceremony that makes me go yuk.  I always fell sick when these sort of things started nearby.  But some people actually stay through such ceremonies and they are always the same certain parts of Africa.  Places like Egypt, Morrrocco, Madagascar wouldnt be that way and the predominatly moslim countries dont really do so much.  They might do a queenship for a woman who is well known like for Iman but that is that part of the world, not where they do chieftency type of titles and kingships.  Infact it happens most parts of anywhere but all kinds.  It depends on where you go to take such things and what you are accepting.  Then I have seen much much worse I dont even know existed and its by masai people.  I never seen something so backsward in my life and I have no comments.  At the village it was really beautiful because it was more primitive if you got outside the house and dared ventured into the woods.  My mum was also always having that song called 'I beg your pardon' playing all the time in her rooms that made me only think of the woman done wrong.  Everything was like a large large compound.  Although there were quite a few kitchens unlike in the town women very often most times would choose to cook openly outside with makeshift firewood cooker and very giant pots and frying pans that look like what you make paella in, also that reminded you they were cooking for many.  Goats walked about freely as well as chickens.  I shall be going there later.   If I chose to stay in my bedroom to feel little again, it shall be untouched just as I last left it only because I am single. 
 
 
 
24th Jan 2010
Reality Bites
 
For some reason I  have been finding it hard to write anything and I mean anything that is not fact .  I am having a hard time writing anything fiction which I used to do since I was 13 and even the childrens stories I used to do a few years ago.  I have had a hard time writing anything that is not something that actually happened.  I allow people to think what ever they want and ponder but its best to let people know who you are. The last time I wrote fiction so easily was on a childrens book I was working on about a place in the US.  I had had an open vision sometime in May 2009 that I was with a lot of children who I assume were my friends, and we were playing.  I looked like something that I never seen in a long time.  I felt God so close.  I saw a merry go round etc but it was the look of things that reminded me of the most purest time in my life which I have not been like for years.  I was good girl, I know how old I was at the time, and I thought God can I have this be back again? I saw it that way and I wowed where has this been?  It was the time I was doing a few radio interviews too in the UK.  I had already gone a bit far in the story but was working on an old computer at home whilst I bought a new one.  That computer I suspected was faulty but as the story came and as I started with of course 'Once upon a time' based on that vision, I had to do two that way.  At first I thought how dare me make a story about someone's place.  Then 'windows' on the old computer packed up.  I didnt like that because it simply reminded me of those experiences I was having at the time.  Earlier the day before, I had kept hearing a few people making references to 'windows' in really angry manner and I didnt know what on earth they were talking about, people I dont know.  I felt under so much pressure and I mean under pressure at the time that just simply intensified in ways I rather never mention.  The worse was to come.  I also was emailing my promoter of that time and telling her as at april 2009 how the song I was gonna do later 'Love Is' came about.  Sometimes I felt like pinching myself for blurting it out that but the cat has been let out of the bag.  I was already mentioning it to certain people because I felt some did things so blindly.  But May was beautiful.  There was a strong sense of something good by the corner I couldnt put a hand on, I felt it all the time, and it was the most beautiful feeling of a happy life is coming, despite all and I know what I'm talking about.  It was so beautiful.  I was doing radio interviews on some radio in UK from Feb through to May 2009.  People were calling me from some UK radio saying 'wow I loved your track but this has to passed to so and so' because what I was sending out those months included that 'Love Is' track since I was new, and the 'You Are' track which is described as a classic really.  I got my act together much later in the year as many things came to me to help me.  I also at the time when these were coming realised I was giving too much at a time really at the time. But the pressure I was personally having, that too that I wont forget.  When windows packed up, I was so upset because I was working on that childrens story that started with 'Once Upon A Time' based on the vision I had had on me and some children who were maybe friends possibly and we were playing near a merry go round.  I had earlier also had a song based around it too. I was into it because I felt in the mood to work on the children's story in the first place.  I never catch time to do such things with all the composing i have to do and all the other things like video issues etc.  My concentration just never was there so when I found I was really into the story I simply carried on.  It was nice to finish something I didnt have to promote to radio or TV or things like that as I needed money.  I had a tendencies in the past to drop out of courses without finishing things, there was a recession,  I hadnt kept a job in a long time and soI did'nt need to tell you getting a job was not going to be easy.  It tested my patience to the limits.  I had published a book before when I was 13 under a visions publications abroad.  I remember that because the publisher was the wife of some doctor or so who didnt live far.  She was blond and visited many times before sometimes at night and her children were my friends who were to be moving to New York as the elder one told me.  She was always having her hair braided african style, loved crossing her legs sitting at the back of her dad's car and had a thick african accent.  I had gone to her house, she had told me she had books in libraries in London, and she had asked me to come and watch what she was doing.  I remember I was so tired, the sun was blazing hot that often left me with little energy and there were other stoney faced girls there I thought I knew as well binding books.  I remembered that.  Now that windows on my computer packed up,  I didnt know what it was and I was really upset. I was working on the story. I wished I could contact her.  I remember that because I felt that. So I took it to a chinese shop nearby that did computer repairs thats how desperate I was to recover all of my data.  'Its windows' he said 'that is gone, how did it dissappear?  'I dont know' said me. 'I shall put a new one' he said as I sighed with relief.  As I paid, he assured everything had be there,  I felt awful when I picked it up three days later. Believe me I'd never done something like this because of all the data and all stored in there.  How could I let someone see all this?  I kept hoping he did not open the documents, or start reading the stories, lose this, or lose that.  I reasoned he has no interest in such things just as he looked and he'd simply get on with it.  After I picked it up two days later I felt awful because all data was gone and worse still I couldnt remember how I wrote it.  A story cannot be just 'Once Upon A Time' which was how  started the story.  So I quit the story all because the windows had gone awash. I thought I'd carry on later.  So now I realise I and fiction not so easy.  I only pick up from the ones where I may have left off before. 
 
What would have happened had I been signed in 2008?  Does anyone have the answers? However I did try but only in the crazed UK. Nowpeople do things with better knowledge only because now the story of music become like this.  Music who gave the music I am talking of?
 
 
Places I'd like to go to:
 
I have been looking at a few holiday cruise stuff.  Sometimes I just stare at the holiday cruise stuff.  I really fancied going on a cruise as at two weeks ago but there is so much to do. My most favourite destination which I had been looking at over and over again is;
 
Egypt. 
That is somewhere I fancied going to because it was snowing so here.  Then thankfully the snow went away and its been raining. 
 
In the Summer I'm a carnival lover.  Thats how it has been since 2006 except last year when I went to none.  I dont even know how come as it always took an important part of my time for me.  I dont really like the notting hill london one as its in the city and not as good as the one in the parks where children paint faces, and that has a more relaxed feel to it where people shamelessly eat what they want in public. I will go check where 'Dont be afraid' is on the US charts today.  Its been jollying for the last few weeks.   Oh life.  See I have removed some. 
 
 
 
Sunday 24th Jan 2010
 
Last night I had a dream.  I am glad it was a dream.  I and two guys were in a car.  One reminded me of that teddy bear actor in the film 'uncle buck' John Candy but I know it wasnt him. They looked to be a little plump on the bigger side of build with short ginger or blond hair, and the other brown hair maybe.  I couldnt see it properly because it was dark.  It was raining, and our car stopped in a ditch.  We couldnt move.  We were in the safety of the car.  A guy was in the ditch behind us which I thought was why we stopped, but then I realised we were there because we got there in a ditch also. The ditch which looked bigger behind us, and the one we were in, and the one in front of us.  the guy in the ditch, he looked like a corpse like he'd been dead a while because I had looked back and could see him through the back screen/windows of the car as I was seated at the back.  He was lying in muddy water that wasnt deep because I could see most of him. I saw that his clothes had began to be tattered.  It was tattered at the kneee area the most. We didnt know who he was as I saw the features so it was noone I had seen  before.  The car felt safe but then the crazed plump guy next to me opened his door and made to get out into the pouring rain because the car wouldnt budge.  there was noone in the driver's seat.  I hoped the driver was not the person lying in the ditch.  That would be awful.  He was cursing.  'Lets get out of here'  I said to him and the silent guy in the front seat seated next to the empty driver's seat, clutching onto him as he made to get out of the car hoping he would'nt open the door, but he had already opened it and his feet was out the car.  He looked frantic.  I wondered if he knew what he was doing. I was afraid. The person in the front also looked like he would do the same any minute but kept silent.  There was noone at the driving seat which made it worse.  I thought lets get out of here.  Or lets put the guy in the muddy water in the car and take him with us.  Then I thought if we take him with us where shall we put him?  Inside the car with us?  There was no booth in the car I could see.  What if he sits up and then looks at me?  The very though filled me with fear.  I wondered if they all left the car what would become of me.  I looked behind through the back screen of the car again and could see that the corpse had moved its head.  'It moved its head'  I said in fright.  'If it moves its head, how long has this been here?  'If it moves its head, that means its not a corpse, its its a zombie!! I exclaimed in terror' as I looked back again to be sure I saw right.  The guy in the front kept silent that made me wonder for a moment about his identity.  Though he was with us he was noone I had seen anywhere before even if I'm dreaming I thought.  I looked back through the screen, and the corpse was lying in the muddy gushing water.  It wasnt so muddy this time and as I looked on again the corpse moved its head again, this time he turned the right facing me but then I saw its face looked like he was helplessly asleep, which was the only thing that removed my fears because it looked helpless.  Lets take it with us, I thought as I said so to the other guy in the front seat.  I noticed that the person that earlier got out was outside, I could hear him and  he was working on something and cursing in the rain and it was so dark.  He was trying to help the situation but I thought he is taking so long, what if something happens before he does so?  'I hope he knows what he is doing' I thought as I heard him repairing stuff but I had my doubts.  Then the person in the front I noticed had got out too and worse still he left the car door wide open.  The driving seat was empty.  I thought what if it gets up and then, and then pounces at me? my fear woke up again. 
 
I shall have to stop this here.  This is a copyright and an excerpt I have shared in public. Will be part of a book or movie.  Its my dream.  Sorry all but I have to stop that here. 
 
Another one:
Then I also had another dream earlier just before this.  I am in what I thought was a primitive hospital.  The airy form of some woman walks in.  She didnt look young.  I thought it was someone I had seen before as a child.  I thought its her ghost. I dont know if this person is alive or dead but she was old when I was very little ad i dont know her name.  I hope Inever see her again. She is dancing.  She sees all of us in the room.  There are two guys.  They look a little familliar.  She dances up to them and shoves something in their face, the first person, then she dances up to the second person.  And they just stand there looking at her.  Then I thought she is coming for me after this people.  Oh no.  And yes she was.  At this point I'm thinking I want nothing to do with you.  Get lost I want nothing to do with you.  I forced myself to wake up. 
 
 
Now after I wake I think of something else.  This is nudging at my heart.
 

Where it all began:
 
I dont know why I'm thinking this but I'm thinking of christmas 2008-Jan 2009 when another x-factor winner as usual yet again won Uk number one.  I dont even want to write this but this is nudging at me.  I am wondering what has that got to do with this dream.  In fact I am thankful that I am not alone today because this is the sort of thing that would have freaked me out.  Now back to Jan 2009.  You see alexandra burke had won christmas number one in Dec 2008 and of course Jan 2009.  It was around the time I had started letting media know about me in the Uk in some way especially the video.  I did mention that someone was crying on seeing the video and it worried me as I questioned why. I worried whenever it was x-factor time and didnt like the idea of attempting to release anything from the time it begins to look like x factor was deciding who was the winner for its show's entrants for the year were.  Its winner being number one was guaranteed whether it was a good song or not because ANYONE who won X-factor WAS GUARANTEED to win christmas and new year number one in the UK.  I thought soon the same had be in the US when it starts there because it'd take a type of network to make it that way.  It had been a guaranteed fact since 2005 because X factor started round about then,  when X-factor began.  I dont think anyone noticed but if you look back at christmas and new year number one in the UK,  look at the records and you'd find that ANYONE who won the X-Factor ALWAYS and I say always won the christmas, and new year number one that year, and someties the weeks before it and after it too when a lot of hype noise is being made.  From 2005 to 2009 with the only exception of Christmas 2009 and Jan 2010 for the first time since it started.  This is how they were going to make the money.  A lot has to be rigged for it to be that way. Attempting anything whenever X-factor started because I knew amidst the noise and cheers who would be guaranteed to be winning that year and who would dominate most music scene that year would be whoever won the x-factor for their business to make more money for its makers.  In 2005 Shayne Ward won x factor and therefore won the whole UK christmas number 1.  In 2006 Leona Lewis won X-factor and therefore the christamases and new years number one.  In 2007 Leon Jackson won X factor and therefore the christmas and new years number one.  In 2008 Alexandra burke won x factor and therefore the christmas and new years number one.  It was guaranteed but noone noticed.  So whoever won afterwards would start US.  I dont know what is final,  final not for me though.  For whom?  Those really was the time I decided to sart making commercial records and where it all began.  I dont think the newspapers realised but do go check all christmas number ones in the UK where I was, and New year number ones from 2004-5 and you had find that for six years its the x-factor winner and sometimes its runner ups.  Guaranteed.  Its a rigged job.  Except for christmas 2009, something all shook up and 'rage against the machine' won but x-factor winner was runeer up.  Had to be.  I would have been very very surprised if it wasnt. 
 
I think I shall have a more fun life as a film maker.  I feel like the very reasons why I started making the tracks had most been removed.  I dont know why but I always followed my spirit when i made songs and felt that way .  When it all started 2005-6. And that was wh go on it like nothing happened
 
I shall be looking good dressed possibly in something really sweet
 
I shall look rich, so?
 
I shall sing a really nice song, more possibly something I wrote.
 
I shall be paid money to be on it and knowing myself will carry on from there:
 
I shall go on it like nothing happened
 
I shall be looking good dressed possibly in something really sweet
 
I shall sing a really nice song, more possibly something I wrote.
 

I shall probably start being on TV for other reasons because thats where its going as I get more prepared.
 
I shall be smiling a lot as more of my much better work begins to come out.  They have to.  Never mind now because I already have them made.  Also as time moves on you forget many many things unless there are reminders. 
 
I dont know how the end will be but will have to be where my connections are.
 
I shall haver many many dreams.  I shall have many friends as he told me. I shall make my own bed and lie in it because I was told so. I dont care about people gettting married and people not doing.  
 
I feel it is wrong for me to keep such things to myself. I dont know why I feel this way. There are manipulations everywhere becuase of things people want.  Never mind things I never saw coming which is strange.  I also know I would be asked about some things after the end when the time comes.  Thats the issue why I try to do certain things.  I did all myself.  Not even my own folks helped me in this.  But I did ask.  There we go. I am not being ethical here,  a language often used in a pharmaceutical or drug or research class which I used to be in and called it quits at some point when I was stressed and all the costs involved for the too many things I was doing.  I felt my head would have too much to think about.  There is only so much you can say ata time.  But all truth gets known when its time so i guess...What did what?  I said I'd come back later, have to, where sturdy is concerned it really is my first love. I'd just do some read ups sit some exams and carry on from there.  That was my plan to do later anyway.   
How does that feel. 
 
 
Its paining someone, please let it do so I hope so:
 
I know its paining the persons who are critisizing how I took 2 years to do so, that I even bothered to bother. Everyone likes it when someone else has done the work, made the bed, then they lie in it.  Not kidding.  Just as when someone else has written something done it nice, then bring it for a thief to copy it,how does it feel?  It took that long because of the TYPE OF opposition I got, which I do not understand.  It gave me a crazy insight into human nature how it can be.  I got it at random from different angles and if I were more famous I'd get it even from friends' and acquaintances, and they had be many.  Isnt art meant to be something so simple, sweet and diverse?  Thats how I saw it. This is how it started so when people began to cry because I sent in a video and its just staff member as at early 2009 I wondered why she crying, that shook me up???  How can jealosy cause a person to cry?  I mean at MTV UK it was chaos too.  The work got accepted, then it was something else to play it after it had already aired on MTV Asia etc, the lady there had say we'd see about that, but then they were waiting for this, and waiting for for that some weeks later.  Thats when I knew I had a problem.  I wondered would you do this if this was a more established person?  I didnt know what the fear was. 
 
You must have seen a thousand and one videos so this is just one more.  To me its a music video, a work of art possibly meant to be there just for a certain time, thats how I saw it maybe had had helped a certain people.  Fact is there are things I  know for sure I would have well left alone had all been okay and it been that way.  When things are well you lleave things alone.  Thats me especially when i know noone is going to ask anything afterwards.  I know myself too well.  Everything would have been simple and moved on, me too.  I would have been happy just being some small artist with a music video that played and played in the UK and have my own knowing that this person was okay and that person was okay and simply told everyone,  I met this person, I met that person.  That was the vision.  I wouldnt even be single by now because I had had quickly gone away and got hicked.  I am not planning to anytime soon.  I will have a kid.  The thought is very good because I know and it will be all that. The videos will still pick up just to make me money since to me its business. I shall tell anyone who doesnt feel good to get lost in public because I know they are simply carrying on from where stopped. If I had known I shouldnt have bothered here at home.  Honestly. That for me is a regret which is serious. Look all the time I wasted following a backward and jealous lot. Give me one reason why everywhere else except here.  I also know that if such people werent biased, they had had done so quickly simply too. 
 
I am even slow to suing people but I am a peaceful person,  it would take my not having really to chase after my things that people take unless an attorney does it for me.  I know some good people at home,  not everyone is but the sad news is that the majority are not good people. Which is why some people by behaviour and some countries are different from others.  I am also thinking the record label exec. i was thinking then, how dare he want to sleep with me and not intend to give me a record deal. I am glad I was not stupid enough because we'd have rowed, I'd have left at a point and he'd have something to say that would have been embarrassing. If he comes out all he'd do is disgrace himself. Worse part was if he had had been handsome in my view, I'd have had come out in the papers and told everyone but I wont because he is not God's gift to women.  He didnt know I was pretending, the worse part he thought he was, given everything he said.  Its partly my fault because of all the things I was saying, whatever things I said (not clean at all) hoping for a record deal.  At a point between Feb 2009 and June 2009 he avoided conversations except when I mentioned anything of sexual nature, but I was just joking, and he'd start to text and then we had start to talk but I always came back to the same issue I guess.  I let it go on for months because I wanted to be sure why and I dont know anyone else.  He's among the people who did all this and he knows it because he sounded sorry but what is sorry? He wasnt sorry. There's got to be something that you want that you cant have. You cant always get what you want the same way that I didnt get all I want.  I knew he had/has a regret for he sounded different since.
 
 
25th Jan 2009
Its monday morning.  I wake up to that feeling.  Your experiences, they make you.  Even if I didnt I had still own 'Bless My Day',  I'd still own 'Dont Be Afraid'.  Its already here.  I wrote, made and created them from scratch.  I had still own and I'd still make more.  I'd still write.  I ''d still write a movie if the vision comes.  I'd still listen to certain things because I had been taught to do so by the giver long time ago.  No two people are the same.  I mentioned the dream I had yesterday,  I didnt have any today and may decide never again to mention any, and ANYTHING could be next.  I would know what it is EVEN if I did not put it anywhere public but because it is me,  I know it'd have its place.  This is no muller and scully story.  But I know why.  If I didnt want to let you into my world here is all you'd know:
 
 
You had watch 'Bless My Day' on some TV channel on any country, It looks good or okay maybe.
 
You had watch 'Dont Be Afraid'  same story
 
This is where A was, this is where B was.  My dear I am a proven producer,  not an imaginative one.   
 
 
You had listen to foreign versions in your country if you are from certain parts of the earth because it'd get there at one point or the other eventually.  Doesnt matter when, doesnt change it from being mine.  It'd get there.  Thats what it is. 
 
I was working with little,  if I was working with a lot, all I can is sorry to who dont like it.  Honestly.
 
I worked in Arabic, Persian, Italian, and all major european language there is and put a wee info of what done on my webpage which arrived at certain destinations at a certain time.  Not now. I'd never ever ever come out with the best of anything first and there is nothing that is not good or inspiring if not -  it is not my work.  That should tell you a few things.  My folks never helped once and now I say so because if they had.  Something may be given only because of who that person is to do certain things.  One day I shall even make this site unnavailable to the public I can share this because I know what I'm doing but experience lets me know when a thief has nicked something.  But never mind because it twists things.   Its like that bottle called 'Carribean Twist' I havent thrown it out yet,  I brought into my bedroom 3-4 weeks ago and decided to keep it and I still do.  I felt so bad I had decided to buy 'Carribean twist' and drunk it, then I kept the bottle in my bedroom. I knew there was something at the corner.  Something was on.  It was the next morning, the usual 'on the radio'.  You see some years ago, more than 10 years ago,  I had been terrorised by someone.  I had began to cry.  I remeber I had laid on the matress in my bedroom,  I was daft then,  I had dragged it off the bed onto the floor a lot of people do.  I had a radio next to me, I started to sob a cry was coming from inside of me and the next thing I knew I heard a voice say ' Switch on the radio'.  It was like a command.  ''I ignored it and carried on sobbing like my heart would break'.  'Swich on the radio' the voice said again,  it was a masculine voice and a command'.  I looked at the black small radio next to me and I switched it on.  A massive earthquake of an oustanding was being talked about as breaking news'.  It was so terrible I stopped crying immediately.  The irony was that the person who caused the tears was from that little exact place.  I said 'why are you doing this?'  The next time that sort of thing happened was few years later.  I remember it was the same type of tears and sob like my heart would break.  The voice I recognize came again ' Switch on the TV' it said this time.  I had a TV in my bedroom at the time because sometimes I used to watch movies.  I thought 'every time something happen he had say switch on the this or that'.  I guess I mummured and saying why let all this happen and then tell me to switch on..'   So the only other time it happened again was the first week or so of January 2010.  I looked at everything.  All sorts of thoughts were coming at me and I began to cry ' why must it be that when so and so person does so and so that did not happen and every thing else that happened and a weird bizarre strange deep emiotional pain got ahold of me and so I began to cry inside so much that all I could do was sob,  I couldnt even cry.  I have been reduced to this I screamed inside, and look at all this glory.  I felt god's presence in the room because I felt it, my heart was in deep pain, I was sobbing,  I went to the shop down the road in the night, it was so windy,  I felt him following me still,  He was big big I could not see loke he was making promoses which I had stopped believing in and did not want to hear, yet I was glad even relived and yet dissolutioned feelings.  I decided to buy many bottles of Carribean Twist.  I wanted havoc and mischief.  What oh what is more than this and can appease this I thought.  It was a painful feeling.  The guys in the shop noticed I wouldnt look at their faces.  I bought many BECAUSE I knew I was being watched.  I sat at home on my bed and drank so much of because I knew I was being watched.  But the pain inside got worse and did not subside.  I have never in my lifetime ever felt that way and it was a first.  I have been reduced to this  I screamed in my heart where I can do nothing to change the situation.  I am not used to this. I kept one bottle since he was watching me in the bedroom.  I didnt throw that away.  Everytime I tidied up it said remove the bottle but I wouldnt. That was too kind.  I had to be wicked.  On the night of the 12th the emotional came back and I said I am not used to this type of feelings.  I sobbed inside.  I always have anything I want. Anything I want I must have, I know this is more than meets the eye.  I have been permanently reduced and I knew what it meant. I know that is that the older you get the less you are able to do. I dont want shining stars anymore because that was the zone and everything I stood for by way of the direction I was going, now the star too has lost its lucre what are my going to do? and everyone has seemed to change.  Worse still I have too many problems.  My mum had began to mock me at the time and didnt make things easy either.  What is more than this.  I sobbed in emotioal pain, there was a lot of blame, I felt like slapping some people for the satisfaction, who sat on my so and so but aas I cried instead the voice 'Switch on the radio' because the radio was next to me, I knew why even before it finished saying so.  This time for some reason I knew an earthquake had hit somewhere.  It had to be big given the fact the voice had come and said 'switch on the radio''.  It was a command but I thought 'Nothing not even an earthquake with the worst magnitude will stop this'.  I didnt care about earthquakes.  I also thought 'why this and why everytime something happens somewhere I am told to switch on this or that'.  The next day I didnt like what I saw everywhere on papers because I did not listen to that radio.  The bolttle lay in the room.  I left it still.  I only removed it becaue I dont want dirt lying around.  What is more than this?   A book yes this is.  It is easy for me to make a book because I started doing that at young age. I even know hardships too.  Just the fact it happened.  Please whoever wants,  should go and cry.  And l;et me say sonmethinbg.  There are things that dont stand a chance unless something bad happens.  For me,  it has always always always been bright.  So you dont mistake the two.  No no.
 
 
There are all types of people, and I know many moslims that make very good friends.  I remember as at last year I had been a bit into 'Nation of Islam' but that was only between January 2009 to May last 2009.  I wasnt so into that before and am not one.  I always liked the look of them.  If I did I am sure other people did too.  It was like something hooked up in my mind. I know what I'm talking about. How I first got hooked.  But I noticed that everything in mag it was almost pro-ethnic, majority were black, there are some language I'd rather not use here. That was how it was from the very first day I began to write this blog in December 2008.  The cafe I was at on the day I had that terrible chest pains and an attack last year that I almost died that changed my perception of things, actually belonged to people who were for nation of islam. They did not allow so many things in the cafe. I had spent a lot of time there. And there was one particular time in April last year that I questioned if I really was not a nation of Islam person. I had be sitting in that cafe and it was like some external factor hooked on into my own heart so I thought way.
 
I used to be one of those good teens I guess.  I had gone to see the family doctor abroad where I was at the time and they had done every test under the sun and couldnt find what was the matter. I had been poorly but looked well.  There were so many women around our home as well in the towns houses we had and in the village one as well. My dad had a business where some of they worked there. Then one day, I had been at the village with the family, I was so ill I could only sleep in her bedroom. All tests had come back as nothing wrong with me.  So I began to pray more. Then one day, the day I got well, I was doing so when I heard ' When you were born I was passing by and I saw you covered in your own blood and I said 'this child shall live' and you lived'.  I thought it was figment of my imagination. I went and told my mum because she was nearby. Instead she kept silent and wouldnt talk to me.  She then walked to the window and starred through the window not talking to me.  And then she said 'You know when you were born I was at the hospital.  I had fallen asleep. I had no idea the baby was already born. I had a dream and in that dream I saw a relative (apparently she had died on the same day).  The relative had been a nun because I had seen a photo she showed me later that year. Good I didnt see her face clearly in the photo.  She continued 'That relative was walking into a giant gate with very bright almost blinding lights inside it' my mum said. She said 'I had no idea she had died that day, and a gate had opened and she was just walking into it that gate, and then she that relative had suddenly turned round to her and said ''look you have a baby and she is dying'.  My mum said she looked at me in the dream and I was covered in blood and she then woke up and heard me crying.  She then said 'she looked in the hospital cot and found I was covered in blood coming from my navel.  She couldnt move to go call the nurses so she called for them to come and see me. I was covered in blood and lost so much of it and was almost dead''.  I rather stop that here.  That kept me quite and I was ill. I wasnt well, had had so many blood tests and all came back negative for everything they were looking for. There is nothing wrong with you the doctor said to me over and over again as I went there with all my ailments. That was then. Soon they all went away.
 
There are things that happen to you you just dont forget but I'd stop that here and that was the last time I had that sort of experience until 2009 when that nasty experience happened to me and never again since.  The most important person I was working with on the video for 'dont be afraid' a very beautiful morrocan person. Anyway I end that here because there is only a limit I am willing to let in on.  And I know I have educated you but only to an extent.
 
 I like sexy.  Totally. I dont like stereotype.  I like hot music the lot I do. I dont know what is gonna happen with this blog becoming some book of sorts but it is sort of.  Those dreams are separate and are not this book.  I like romance.  I didnt start this as a book or anythinglike that, it was just a blog which is why it is open to read but at a point when many begin to visit it I will just go with whatever comes.  Who knows what would happen and what I'd dream up before then?  and I dont even know what it will become.  It may be a book it may become something else.  it is just as a blog that went a very different direction but from the day I started it,  I just let in some insight into me and I am glad I did.   I write only the mild things. I own a label so I am in control but there are things that are meant to be written because it happened and that is why I feel very sorry for anyone abusing that.  I just want people to interact.  If you feel happy when something bad happens its a feeling. By the time its over I have come up with something else and it may not be anything to do with song, so I take off the clothes of the competition because I want who is doing what to me to go cry.  Thats all. 
 
 
26th Jan 2010
I think of mother superior at the time I had been at the convent a few years ago.  I had turned up because I felt I had had enough.  My first day at the convent,  it was really beautiful this convent and Mother Superior thankfully was very old or else I can imagine how horrid it may have been. She wore her black long convent gown. I remember sitting next to the fireplace in my black thights, long slitted skirt and favourite red top and my black beret.  I felt good and proper and they were all asking me if I was sure I wanted to be a nun and would adapt to life with them as Mother Superior brought my own long gown which I couldnt believe I was going to wear.  They doubted it.  I was told by mother superior the rules as she looked at me doubtfully.  She had said to make sure I was downstairs for every meal breakfast, lunch and dinner.  The foods were often thick and traditional and never anything fancy.  She had said there was a girl who did not do so and she had seen it all before. The smell of incense etc was constantly overpowering outside lounging areas etc.  No TV, radio and mobile phones were allowed on the premises.  You only go out escorted with others.  It was boring.  I talk about this later. 
 
 
27th Jan 2010
 
Today I find I am eating a lot of fish whilst yesterday I was having prawns a lot.  The whole packet had been made sometimes I like a few packets.  Thats only when I have a prawns craving.  I find sometimes I can eat not much else but fish fish fish.  Then I go off it.  There are times when prawns with other seafood mixes are just the only thing I want and can stand .  I want nothing else.
 
 
28th Jan 2010
 
I am thinking a lot today. I get invitation I really love to go to via email.  Although I have an invitation, Its a shame to know I won't be going to the grammy this year, it would have been the first time there given the fact its even all over the news although I have my lovely invitation for me and up to a number of guests I would want to bring with me.  There are some  ladies on TV gushing about red carpet season.  Everything feels so goody yet so so so... I dont know.  I have my many reasons and I am not ready and its late.  But I have made up my mind never ever to miss any grammy ever again.  Thats common sense.  And I'm not talking about it here. Bah. The weather is cold and I also very much long to go on a cruise ship trip too.  I wonder how I would be feeling in the next couple of days.  I dont want to think about it.  I hoped the focus would never be on who was getting the most nominations etc with all this things.  I hate such things because I knew.  I notice people have suddenly become better people.  Or is it my imagination.  At this time 'Dont be Afraid' is floating on US national commercial radio as my promoter (he is costly) is very good.  I am starting with the least because I want to give those tracks a chance.  I hate to watch something I worked hard to do going to waste. I am constantly checking how its  doing because I never thought it'd be played by that many commercial natinal FM stations in America when I am not even doing it in the UK now like before. It was nice to see when I tracked.  I am constantly eating nothing but fish.  I wonder why.
 
 
1st Feb 2010
I dont know how I feel but I was right.  I did feel terrible on 31st Jan because on the day the main thing on sky TV etc was the events.  I didnt like the feelings at all.  The next day too and today too.  Oh no is all I'm saying.  Why didnt you prepare since bla bla.  It seems to be the only thing on TV and I want it to be over quickly so I do not keep seeing it on TV, newspapers, etc.  Oh no and I mean oh no.  Its all over the internet too when I want to get into my email.  And then there is the other one too.  My friend is telling me 'You are daft for not making sure you went' She said'When  God give you something bla bla bla...' That was the only thing she said that got me thinking well I should have tried to.  I dont know what is all this, but I have been reduced was all I was thinking if this can happen. Then I explain why I didnt, but wont do that again.  It looked interesting and I thought Oh no look what I missed. Then I saw.  If I did like before I know what would happen. If I lived alone now I know it would be powerful but eerie to my knowledge of what I understand to be eerie.  Because now I know I would get some kind of visitations with all this new zone that had happened and open visions in the last few months in ways I never even used to be allowed to before.  Before not like that, but now I dont know if I want like this.  I feel the energy and I know. Then I had get used to it.  Then it would be normality especially if there is a kid around who makes a noise.  Not if there is an adult around.  Then the lights etc... then I may even become possesed who knows and i wouldn know it...
 
 
6th Feb 2010
I have had to remove some of the content here.  maybe very soon I had charge you to see my blog.  Thats what some artists are doing so I think I am gonna do the same.  I dont see why L should do any different.  I seem to have my jealousy angle switched off.  I find it so hard to be jealous of anything or anyone. 
 
 
12th Feb 2010
 
The focus is on my 'Dont Be Afraid' radio float in the US with more national commercial stations now playing it.  That was something to feel good  because my label is indie and I'm new.  It was nice because I was tracking and good to see.  But I'm thinking its so late.  What if my folk had agreed when I did ask at the peak of that recession when I wasnt sure what to do?  It was a very simple simple to do.  I was angry about it all. Really.
With my birthday close oh no.  Then I look back at the media with people still talking about quakes and things like that.  I dont care.  I didnt at the time.  Like as I mentioned on the 25th Jan blog about the carribean twist bottle.  I have taken it out.  Your purpose is done please go.  Look all that happened.  Nothing more than that so... I dont care.  I am looking for the day to gloat only on the people who sat on those things.  The satisfaction of that alone is enough for me.  Anything lost is not because of any reason but because of all that.  And why should it and pony is still here.  It is best all the pony follow and go to there wherever so and so is.  Is it not fair?  That is how it should be.  I havent forgotten it and it will come....  
 
 
Feb 15th 2010
Tommorrow is mine. Tommorow is mine I say.  I was looking at a lot of things today.  I think about all Spanish, Portuguese and other latin style tracks I had written and produced to completion.  I tended to do many things like that throughout 2007 and into 2008. By August 2008 and all of 2009 I was not making any further new tracks. I had too many high quality professionally producerd material and many almost finished.  Something I call 'the vault' because that is what it is.  Of course it had cost a lot to do.  I have decided to start playing people back their own games.  I am full of song if I will let myself do it.  I say to people that like to pinch dont let me see your pinching hands because I will find you. 
 
Anyway
 
I had a dream.  There is a man.  He is tall and dark haired.  He is wearing a white suit with a black shirt inside.  Very fashionable and norm.  But he is standing in a dim room large room.  I even thought it was a catholic church. There are long christmas style candles in front of him.  He seems agitated. He speaks frantically. Next to him is a woman with short blond wavy hair.  I thought it was his wife but then looking closer I see she is much older,  and Iunderstand its his mum.  She keeps silent. It was so sad all of it.  Not even for this fashion guru McQueen.  Matched fe in the papers. Never knew him. Was even in London but where was it all when I was looking for it?  Was where it was. Now where it is 
 
Feb 27th 2010
The month is drawing to a close.  I dont know what about college radio because I seem to do better on the other than the other.  I am doing varied lots of promos.  All it does is cost me is what I think but I know what the end will be .  See even if noone hops on the boat,  the only boat they can hop on is my boat,  even if noone hops on the boat,  I have my own boat and dont need nobody's boat.  In time as I get stronger.  I know myself too well.  All I can say is ha ha. If I am interested,  I will go and start to do my own.  Its my nature.  There is nothing bad about being you.  In timne all I canShipping so many ready Cd's for radio two months ago was something else.  It  was so heavy carrying the cartons onto the post office to ship to each promoters offices. They seem to enjoy charging me since they saw me a lot.
 
 
March 2nd 2010
I had already been saying I 'm going to stop doing the blog.  I stop here.
 
 
March 15th
 
I'm sorry but contents some I must remove.  I find I love wearing heels most of the time.  Besides my feet hurt when I wear flats unless just going for a walk. The weather is so unpredictable.  I love the sounds it makes on the pavements when I walk on it.  Especially at night and then people look at you. 
 
 
March 20th
I notice this.  Sometimes people think that if they run around etc they had be able to take this or that.  I am even aware when someone is trying to nick things off me by way of hand because I mentioned it.   Guess I mentioned to a producer I was working with years ago and then people began to want to latch onto that. You know when someone is trying to take power from your hands and you feel it physically that leave you, or they try to get you to use your hand and do something to them.  No no.  However I am clear about one thing.  Whatever afects me affects a lot of people that was clearer than daylight. And please anyone who caused my year to bend should just go and buy many handkerchiefs to cry with because its coming.
 
 
March 20th 2010 
Its nightime.  I had earlier seen UK MTV and its soo boring.  I dont watch.  The last time I watched UK MTV  or any music Tv channel was Dec 2009, during Christmas and that was the first time I saw any music video since much earlier in the year.  I was busy too.  Watching all this I gave a few minutes to wonder a lot of thngs.  First time when I heard 'mamma do' by one of those UK stereotypical called pixie lott.  One of those people that were being used thats how I see it.  I wonder because that track that went to uk number one sounded much like one of my tracks  or two of it, but I didnt say anything when I first heard it because I was so busy at the time and there was a lot to do.  It started in June 2009 when I heard it first on radio.  That was the time it started that one.  Its of course all symbolic.  It was on the side some of the things I really didnt have much time to look at, and may never will but at the time some of the issue.  If I had had mentioned it some people may have said I was maybe a little jealous because it fitted their stereotypical perceptions but I knew the truth, because of the uniquity of things I did and you know your stuff when you hear it, and truthfully there was no way an 18 year old could write any of those unless she had gone to music school as a child. I had my suspicions at the time,  but I was just too busy to say anything because that wasnt something I thought I had be doing or wanted to do.  One thing leads to the other.  I found out last week that she had been working with a producer I used to work with years ago infact where I was doing the work concerned the track I am talking about at the time before I went my own. This week I now know I wasn't wrong after all and I had since forgotten about it because of what happened shortly afterwards same month because that took the lustre off the music industry literilly.  If not what it would have been, dear me,  it would have just gone on and on.  And then she come out on MTV uk in her short white knickers I saw a few days ago and start moving a little. I dont blame her.  It was the stupid moron who gave.  How can I be wrong, so now I know. So now I knew,  I am thinking so I was right all along.  It was this fool that gave this that caused this and this.  I didnt have to go through this.  When things are put right it simply goes in a flow.  Its our generation.  It affects more than one person and it doesnt matter their trade.  If you dont believe me please take a handkerchief and cry.  It was this moron who gave my stuff for his greed.  I let God deal with him to start with.  Then i start my own.  So I listen to all this things but I am glad its not something I dont want to hear.  I am thinking because I know how to do so if anyone tries this sort of nonsense again I shall not only sue, I will make a very public accusation, and also I will pick up their own work up also, and begin to do the very same thing.  I will only give a little insight into what I'd do, the rest I rather not say.  At first I may say nothing.  I may even say nothing for a good year or a little more and the longer I leave you bet the accusation will be bigger and what I seeking compensation for.  So you understand who I am. A dose of their very own medicine is what I must do and its doesnt matter who does it so some people stop looking about for what to steal and think I'd let it be. I wont. I rather not say how terrible it will be. Do back is fair enough with me.  And they can go and drink piss.  What a person does give them a dose of their own medicine.  What are they going to do? Are they going to come and slap me or what? 
Ironically it is the same idiots who cause the problem that mostly say 'you took so and so time'.  It is so ironic I dont know what to make of it. 
 
 
30th March 2010
 
Its Morning. I had woken up early this morning.  I had listened to music on the radio this morning which I never do.  I may listen to a radio ttalk show at night but not in the morning let alone music early in the morning.  Listening to all sorts of stuff old stuff and then new stuff,  I am thinking what the hell was I doing since.  I get up and decide to take a walk outside.  When I get back in I feel strangely sleepy.  I decide to lie down for a while and I go straight back to sleep.  In the dream my brother is in a small room with a very large bed in it.  He calls for me to come help.  I peep through the door, 'what is it?' I say.  There is a really dark man in the room with him.  I cannot see his face, but I see his hands.  At the bottom of the bed,  there is a socket like thing there.  I notice that both seem concerned because the bedding had gone through it.  I understood it was supposed to go over it.  The dark guys hands whom I cant see his face touch the socket wthing attached to the bed with the bedding through it and says 'what is this'?  They are frantic, so I rush out to get help.  Outside the weather is just lovely.  The air is clear and very full, very lightly breezy and wonderful as I inhale deeply the gently light full cool breeze I actually felt on my face.  I look up at the clear light blue sky of the evening night.  It was dark but not ver vey dark.  There is a bungalow thatseems a few walks/steps away.  The bungalow had an unusually long pavement.  very longbecause on thatpavement stood a lot of people alsmost looking like a queue.  Some looked really jolly.   Inoticed plump looking happy go jolly looking girls with plump legs like many university students, most were holding little green bottles of beer and smiling.  The lightis on also outside as it grows a little darker.  I walk to the pavement and hold he hands of one of the guys there at random.  I notice he is tall with wavy dark hair.  I ask him to please come withme as he follows.  He doesnt say anything.  We walk back toward the house.  I hear our footstep and another behind.  I look back and notice a girl was following us.  She ask's him a question in Portuguese, and he replies not looking back as we walk towards the house.  I realise or think she must be his girlfriend.  We walk into the room, and the guy has no clue what to do.  My brother is still making the bed. I am thinking he is putting too much effort into one so called bed.  I want him to leave it.  He does not look at either of us. I noticed that the bedding in the socket thing has been removed.  The black man without a face lifts the top of the bedding and what a sight.  Its supposed to paint a picture of happiness.  Lifting the covers of the bed by this unknown person,  we all see a place that reminds me of that 'Dont Be Afraid' video scene.  Its waterfall place in the video where I was standing in the water.  I have only seen something similar in only one other music video that look the same but it is not.This time it has a rainbow etc.  Now after that I go outside.
 
This time I am now with the ladies in the 'Dont Be Afraid' music videos.  The room we are all in this time is extremely bright and well lighted like when the walls of a room are painted white and the lights large.  Now we all sit down possibly inside that bungalow and we begin to play a game.  One of the girls throws a blank card on the table.  2036 or so appears on the card.  Another does the same, same thing happens.  We do this for a while then I find myself walking into another room.  It was a really bright airy room.  There is music playing at the background,  but I do not notice it that much.  I only knew it was nice music but I was not paying enough attention to know what it was.  I understood it to be my house, it was a bungalow.  I just loved the gust of cool breezy air.  I was inhaling it in gust and feeling a lot of it on my face and nose.  I dont know anyone that owns a bungalow and I could see it was s type of community.  Because I could see through the large windows the sides of the other similar ghouses next to it.  It was as neat community.  Suddenly the room had a sligh eerie feel that soon went away.   I leaned on a table and stared at the windows and its 60's old vintage style white and little blue designs curtains which faltered a bit as the wind blew in on it from outside .  The windows were only open a little.   I now look at a black recording cassette player on a table. That was where the music was coming from earlier on when I walked into the room but I was not really listening then.  I look at the cassette player because now there is silence.  There is a sharp knock at the door.  I walk to the door and open it.  There is a man at the door and I could not see his face.  He is wearing a white top.  I could see his arms and they are dark so I understood him to be black.  He has a cassette, he says not a word but just gives me the cassette.  It was like a beam covers his face so I could not see a face or make an identity.  I feel no discomfort in not seeing a face.  I take the cassette he offers me and then he was gone so I shut the door. 
 
I walk to the drawer on which was the cassette record player,  its very old fashion looking. I am also thinking, almost laughing, 'who on earth uses cassettes these days'.  Most people would use CD players and even those are getting outdated and fast replaced by ipods for a while now'' I thought.  But I walk to the cassette player, put the cassette on and listen. I am thinking I hope it is not more than 2 songs because I do not have the endurance and patience to listen to more than two songs. And it was two songs.  The first song came on.  Its the most beautiful song.  The beat, the tempo, a lot of it reminded me of the song 'Your love is'.  I actaully enjoy the song.  It sounded like it was myself but I take no notice of that thinkinbg its someone singing.  But then I become worried.  It sounded too much like me.  The song was like my track.  I even get angry wanting to swich off the tape for a second and thinking 'who did this?' That first song also sounded complex, it would have been difficult to make anywhere all.  I was not in the mood to do all that.  I cannot even remeber the lyrics of the song because it was complex,  it would have needed detail to do and sooo much time.  However had it been the only song on the cassette I would have remebered that song but I'm afraid I donnt know if I ever will because I cannot go to that room and switch on the cassette. That ws the only time i was allowed to hear it.  Had it been a simpler song like the second one was,   maybe I'd have remebered it too. 
 
The only song I remebered when I awoke was the second song and it was most of it because i was singing it when I woke up.  The second song had come on after the first song with that little break in between.  Like most tapes.  It was simple enough that having listened to it for a little more than a minyute or two, I was singing along with it like a song I knew as I starred at the radio player on the table,  smiling and nodding my head to the rhythm.  I thought I can do this one easily.  The lyrics were simple, and started with 'Sweet moments ago''.... So I thought the song is called Sweet moments ago as that was the lyric that stood out the most.  The vocals reminded me of a singer called Cindy Lauper.  I was still singing this when I awoke still actually singing out 'sweet moments ago'.  I heard myself singing this as I awke, thankfully my face was pressed on the white sheets.  I awoke to see the windows tightly shut.  I began to think where was all that cool air etc that I felt on my face coming from thern if there is not that much air?   I felt so comfortable lying down so I lay there.  I thought I really must get up and record the one i could remeber.  Shame I could'nt remember the other because I would have attempted it.  It wouldnt come if I cantdo it simple as that.  Not at all and I know that by now.  I heard a voice say 'get up and save the track you just heard and dreamt'.  The bedding suddenly felt softer than ever before so I lay still down in the increased softness.  I am thinking I will do it later, but I knew I could possibly forget it.  Howeverr this time I hear a mans voice scream 'that was me chinenye'.  The voice tugs at my heart. I am thinking who is calling me by name?  and I get up immediately and reach for the mike and karaoke and connecting those which was what I didnt want to start doing,  I did it very quickly than I thought, and quickly record everything as I heard it.  Lyrics, lip singing the tunes, and any other specific instrument as I heard,  etc just so I remember which was which later.  But I 'm also thinking when are my ever gonna do this?  I am not doing any much recording soon, because all the money is going into promotion, and there are other songs I havent even finished so why would I want to start to do this one,  but I do so anyway.  I have asked that sort of question before then ended up doing the song but that was only on one iorr two occasion when I was doing other stuff, and is rare two or three years ago and not like this.  Later that day I hear the same voice again say ' That was me'.  Well,  I accept so because soon I had forget it all.   Its like that james brown vision night.  How can this happen? Oh well, I thought.  Thats all.
 
 
1st April 2010
 
Its first of April.  I am glad noone is doing an April fools joke on me today. I really am.  The days are going quite fast.  I notice I am constantly wearing heels.  I also notice some idiots are saying 'you gave this'  and I'm wondering what they are talking about.  Thats what they had like to think you see.  Its the very such type of people that caused this and that I'm thinking,  what if these sort of people reality bites then, were a little kind because they werent.  What if they were not so jealous, and not so stereotypical because that was a reality and a very real happening. If it didnt it had be a totally different story.  If not they had have changed but they are still that way today. I am sure of it.  Picture it.  They had want me to be like this or like that,  but they themselves dont want to be so and so way.  They want to keep on and when of course the very inevitable then gives because I know eventually something always does, they hold their handkerchiefs and begin to say 'why you gave this or that'.  I am saying my dear,  If you simply had given this small nonsense because that is all it is,  I would never had handed this or that.  Its so so simple.   Because their own hearts was evil.  Because they couldnt bring themselves to give this to a girl with 'an african name'.  And its no lie because I know if a stereotypical did even one tenth of anything like that they had be signed very quick and the Brit media had all be very very quick, raving about it.  Actions speak louder than words.  What people do,  not what they say. I realise now  its all to impress who? Who but the very sort they crucified and crucify everyday.  Does anyone really think I had keep quite?  I dont know. Please, go and buy your handkerchiefs.  Worthless fools.  May whatever hold you hold you very well so that you go and cry and cry  and never stop crying all your life in masses.  And, also my work is mine anyway, didnt I spend everything doing so, and went without doing so? Did I do so with anyone?  I never saw and that is my logic.  Never mind what I looking around for,  I had to, whilst looking for because I had to and nothing else.  Its nothing special lest anyone say so.  I know what I have seen certain people with and at what time.  Did I ever think for once its any other persons?  If it was yourself would you do so?  I am glad I did all I could then.  Thats all I could since I could not have done it like this or like that.  Its not good because its always best to do the best.  These are little things I know.  There is so much much much more and I do not discuss onlne. 
 
 
 
Beautiful new
Wouldnt it be nice to see:
 
All UK MTV programming done via satellite from the US. I would love to see more US programming in Europe.  Afterall you dont get to watch french Videos etc in other parts of Europe. But it would save an amazing amount of costs for them.  Just imagine how beneficial that had be and all the good it would do.  It would make MTV  and others like itso universal.  Anything can be via sattelite, in the future so there will be no unneccessary offices around.  Its the way to go green. At the moment they are wasting so much money on red tape and admin here and there.  I shall begin suggesting because I am interested.  Maybe that had be a reality soon.  It really would be a great thing to see.  Right now UK TV is a bit very messy and its so boring.  Its not channel 5 so why should it pretend to be.  Just imagine a really  much neater MTV with a more truely Universal viewing from one center.  At the moment its a mess. Wouldnt that be so wow and the real MTV.  Wow.  Wow.  It would be fabulous.  That is what it is. 
 
 
April 3rd 2010
Today I am thinking of Christmas 2007.  I had been alone at my house in Essex because it was so cold, I watched the very large looking clumps of snow falling from the sky very fast.  I had spent the night before recording.  I thought I was going to visit my family when early in the morning it began to snow.  I opened the front door dressed already and the snow was so deep,  I decided I had to stay at home and rest.  I wondered if some had be dissapointed I didnt turn up.  I had earlier prepared Haggis of all things and didnt eat it.  I lay down t rest and watched the snow through the tightly shut large windows as it felll fast in very large clumps.  It looked beautiful.  Then today I also think of the day I was preparing to film 'Bless My Day'.  The camera DOP was to come pick me up. Thankfully he was doing the driving himself. 11 hours journey.  It was raining terribly that morning.  My clothes kept pulling off.  I had left the front wooden gate unlocked so he had get in when he arrived.  I had packed my case with change of clothes. When he arrived for I saw him through the window,  I had made to go out to meet him then the door had banged shut so I couldnt get oit.  The door wouldnt open.  I never seen that before.  Eventually I climbed out through the windows,  Thats when I knew I could fit through the windows.  First I threw the case at him he caught it and watched me climb through the windows.  Eventually we got in the car.  The back seat was full of equipment.  We began the long 11 hour journey.  It was raining and raining and the road was full of gushes of water.  He had filmed many fims including BBC things over the years and years.  He had been doing that for 30 years he told me.  I knew that though.  Everything felt like a movie.  We had booked hotel rooms because we had to stay there till the next day.  The hotel belonged to a family.  When we got there,  the couple came out to meet us.  It was like 11PM at night and it was so dark and very windy.  The guy carried my luggage.  I decide to have coffee with the DOP in his room. He is a very shy man with spectacles.  My room is at the back of the hotel,  not the front. At 6 am he comes to the door.  He had woken early.  He knocks.  'Are you awake?'  he asks.  I get up and mutter 'I go get ready'  and go to the bathroom.  Its a little luxurious.  I take a long soak in the bath and I dont often do that at hotels.  The soap smelt so sweet because I remebered that. 
 
I hear hinm knock 'We've got to hurry up'. 'I'll be out in a moment'  I mutter back.  It took a while to get ready.  He soon turned up and knocked saying ' I've had breakfast'.  I opened the door.  'How do I look' I said.  He looked at me and said we will start filming before we get there.  Like a gentleman he took my luggage to the car.  Put it at the back.  As we left to go,  the couple that own the hotel stood at the door and said lPlease come back later and see us'.  It was so beautiful.  It was all country.  'We are late' was all he said as we hurried on.  The sun then came out in good force.  We had travelled up to a very large cabbage farm, with cabbages n each side a massive field when a guy in a really porshe red porche drove up in fronnt of us.  It was a tiny road.  He looked really good in his sunglasses and dark hair and he was white but tanned and refused to go off the road.  I wanted to come out of the car and go and talk to him.  I told the DOP I'd speak to him and it would take a few minutes I said.  He refused.  Stay in the car.  We are late and we have to get there on time if we are to get home today too.  He blew the horns, muttered at him.  'He's there because of you' the Dop said as he cursed. Eventually the guy left the road, the DOP was angry by this time. That guy he looked out of place on the cabbage field.  Even in London unless in mayfair or some part of upscale Beverley Hills or something. I wondered what he was doing at the farm.  I felt a dissapointed, even upset.
 
During the first part of filming I was expected at the place because the girls at the reception said, the manager had told us you are conming today.  Everything had been cleared.  As we started I noticed a crowd had gathered there too and were watching as I started singing coming down the stairs.  Some people were taking photographs.  Some asked me to sign the photos and I took photos with many people that day.  By the time we finished I was tired because it was so hot.  My skirt was covered in white sand and was very wet, so I changed my clothes by the bushes next to a lake. I met him in the little cafe. It was so hot.  We then had lunch and began to go home as we got back into the car.  
 
 
April 7th 2010
 
I find I am gouing to many places a lot.  I cant seem to wantto go anywhere without my heels although I am a tall girl.  I ask How do I look and a guy would say sexy.  I am expecting to hear nice or good.  Not sexy.  Anyone up to 5'7 or 8 is tall.  Not exactly as tall as a supermodel and they are always with cool people arent they, and always with super boyfriends.  Often 6ft with the right composure, the right face the right body.  Like Kate moss, Naomi, tyra who is 6 ft 1.  I dont want to be that but its a job.  I think I do it too but I aint skinny. The only place I want my nose right now is in the air.   I love listening to the sound of my heels on the sidewalk these days.  For now. .
There are even plus size for those from a size 12 etc.  Normal size but the prerequisite.  There are many things I could go and enjoy to do.  I may even do a nude.  I'd like that and if it pays well I'd do it again.  But dont keep doing that.  Not But there are no kid that will see it and by that time it wont be there. And its everywhere anyway.  Wouldnt that be a sweet twist to persona?
 
 
April 10th
 
I seem to love going to convent Gardens in London in past few days.  A lot this days.  The atmosphere, the feel, its wonderfull. In the near future I will pemanently swap this for Vegas.  I used to think I had had done so by now.  Yes  I will. 
 
15th April 2010
 
There is a rhyme I love to do.  It goes this way:
 
There once was a woman that swallowed a fly
I dont know why she swallowed a fly
Pehaps she'd die
 
There once was a woman that swallowed a spider
I dont know why she swallowed a spider
Pehaps she die.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
That wuiggled and jiggled inside of her.
 
There once was a woman that swallowed a hamster
I dont know why she swallowed a hamster
Peharps she'd die
She swallowed the hamster
To catch the spider
That wiggled and jiggled inside of her
 
There once was a woman that swallowed a cat
I dont know why she swallowed a cat
Pehaps she'd die
Sher swallowed a cat to catch the hamster
That wiggled and jiggled inside of her.
 
This woman swallowwed a whole lot of things.
Look out for what is coming.
I love such stories.
And I am doing doing
 
 
16th April 2010
 
People say Chinie,  you have so many tracks
 
That could easily be classed as classic
 
True I did a lot of Bluesy stuff. Ha ha
 
That wont change cause it was just flowing inside of me.
 
And then I wait till it all comes bubbling out.
 
And because I know what I did and could do
 
I am not worried because I know a lot a lot I will have, because a lot a lot I did do do simple.
 
A lot a lot
 
On paper I am probably already a billionaire.
 
Now its conversion time, maybe.
 
Once coversions is done, I wont be needing anybody's anything, and then I will be making many more after conversions begins even if conversion starts with a little you bet I will be making a lot of things. Oh I will like that. Do I look like someone who cant? Anything I done I also know how to change it, how to twist it I too can do. 
 
And I havent started making lawsuits and thats rightfully.
 
I want to act films.  Many people like...
 
Let me see in the next few years if I had make a fine actress.  Maybe.  Ha ha. I am a slowy due to circumstance alone caused by people.
 
Its for life
 
I am a storyteller.  Have been since I was a child, so acting a story when I can write it,  Is it hard?  I really dont think so.  You simply prove yourself. 
 
Do you think Chinie should go look for a billionaire boyfriend instead?. Then he could help unlock my work. However anybody with a brain can do so too. Joking a lot here but I really think its good.
 
 
20th April 2010
 
I'm sure I like good things too.  Everybody does, so do I.  I think I begin with a vision.  Who gave the vision?  Me I dont think so.  It didnt come from any parent either.
 
Infact the truith is my folks never ever ever put one penny a dime and anything into any creative thing I ever did.  This is fact or it'd have been a very differentt story much much earlier.  I'd had ended up with someone or some people,  but there had be many people. Simple and it wont be anyone I do not wish to be associated with. Thank you. I have seen many things before too like so many many people. 
 
There are millions and millions of ladies in London and many places.  So many beautiful people I cannot even compare to.  Infact of everyone.  Millions and millions of gents too.  I know a woman she got married at 38 and had three sets of twins by 40.  Thats six in three years.  I wont wait till I am that old but I think I had have two in a lifetime.  Then all my descendants after I am long gone that God told me about, the ones I saw visions etc of, the many descendants I saw, the way I saw it wow wow.  Its my promise.  Not anyone else's promise.  Amazing what the human can come up with. 
 
I havent begun to have any fun yet.  The fun is yet to begin.  When I begin a roller coaster set of enjoyment galore parties etc and everything else I get invited to.  There are many things I have in mind and I want to make sure I do it all always but with God with me.  It doesnt matter what anybody else has to say. Its me an Hims story and not me and Him and many other people's story.  So let them stop it all.  That wont change. 
 
Oh I am gonna do something.  I clap my hands clap my hands.  As I always done, always done.
 
See people come and go.  Its my promise.  Its my promise. Because of the promise....therefore....
 
 
26th April 2010
 
Associations
I woke up this morning.  And lying in bed I thought.  I have decided I no longer wish to be associated with anyone I do not wish to be associated with anymore. And this is how I used to let people know,  when I put it in writing.  I done it many times before.  However now I know why I am writing it here. Some people despite the fact I am not even really famous always try to fuse themselves to me.  I am not fused to anyone and wont let anyone I dont know fuse. I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH BEING MYSELF.  Look what some people done to me.  Look all the things done to me.  I no longer wish to be associated with any one I do not want to associated with.  Not even in 50 years time.  Nobody is that special.  I am not kidding.  Nobody at all. Its all the perception of people.  I mean if I 'm gonna do something naughty or  bad I might as well do it right.  Some people get jealous because a spirit being wrote a song and gave it to me.  If I didnt want to sing it before, now, because of that I'm going to MAKE SURE I sing it, and sing it very well.  I am going to make sure I sing it. Let who dont like it go drink piss. See I write it because I cannot say it with my mouth but its inside.  I am not going to miss anything.  I am not going to lose anything I never had.  I have to see things that way first before someone else sees for me.  I am more than capable of becoming a so called Icon as the world calls it because everything to be it had already been given to me and that is the only reason it would worry me if I do not do so. The Being who gave would let one have no peace.  Its always for a purpose more than meets the eye and there is nothing anyone who either does not understand,  or does NOT WISH to understand, or is simply jealous, or has their own designs can do about that because of what it is. It is what it is and cant be anything else.  I hate it when people lie to themselves.  So I am gonna know how to end associations and I am not being malicious. If I want to do anything I have my own reason.  Either the spirit of love has covered my eyes, or.  I can make my own cocoon.  Imagine if I was a very bad girl,  I had make a fortune fast.  I would NEVER had had any of the troubles I had.  Imagine if I had been a topless dancer at the recession or some page three girl, etc and was sleeping around with all the footballers I could find,  do you think I would have had one ounce of troubles, but I couldnt because of who I was.  Nah. So whatever it is that makes me want to leave my principles and do so and so must have to be intense enough indeed. And it dont matter how old you are.  Male or female,  you can be eighteen have had three kid and look old,  you can be also be fifty and look so young and I am not lying.  Its true.  I am not saying so for any reason other than I have seen it many times before.  
 
Unlike last year when many things happened.  I didnt know what to do them because I was still growing in my mind and I did not know what it was.  I also did not expect the opposition then that went on from 2008 (christmas) right up to to July 2009, then some changed.  I have since known what it is like and why people do so. Its just so bad because people will never admit they did those things. I never knew it this way but you simply learn.
 
 
27th April 2010
 
London days, London nights. Its interesting and can also be boring. I shall have a small glass of O2, I didnt say CO2 um
water as its called in your basic chemistry book, the one you learnt in primary school.   
 
 
28th April 2010
I have woken up its early morning.  Now I am going to soon go to sleep.  Is it worth writing?  I'd soon write I had a cup of water. 
 
 
 
7th May 2010
 
Last night I had a nightmare.  I dont have them.  Someone whom I dont know woke up from a cemetry of all things on this earth to dream of.  There was thunder and lightning like the one that I used to know for real when I got into my mojo. And that person came into some house I do not know where, I have never seen such a house before and its not as nice so I think its some manipulation at work. I was lying down and that person came in and slapped me so hard. I got up very angry and began to hit back in a rage, and a struggle ensued and this person was strong, stronger than me and I noticed he was a man, I couldnt even see his face.  It was the darkness around the place that I hated.  Glad I woke up quickly. When I woke I felt awful. Worse is I felt awful all day and I was hoping it'd go away.  I am beginning to understand this. I hate it and I curse whatever that cause this.  It was a wicked manipulation because there was also rain.  Isnt that the  rain that saved the day at my time of trouble.  Now there was thnder and rain and the worst part was it was dark and scary. Yesterday I felt good, I really did.  I went to a relaxing atmosphere.  I even went for a course. At the course as part of the task, I prepared a plot of small land and planted grass on my own plot. We did a measurement of each plot. I also planted marigolds yesterday with compost. I wore gloves.  The sun shone and the butterflies were out everywhere with so many trees. I had cofee (several cups of cappucino too and i dont take so many often so it was an indulgement with dried roasted groundnuts, and I kept washing my hand non stop every break minute, for you never know) as I sit in the empty warm waiting room.  The others loved sitting outside and had sandwiches etc. They love the course. I hear stories of going ons in places like nigeria and its sad but not my business. its sad but but I am not that interested in things that dont pertain to mua. Not my business.  Dont want it to be. I dont like people disturbing me. Is it bad for me to say I want nothing to do with Nigerians?  I dont like people that hate themselves. Also people I dont know. I like brightness and happiness.  I dont know who said I was crying.  Why should I be?  Later yesterday evening when it was all over with the plants, and the pots and the planting etc, I put on back my normal comfort  heels and I went to relax in the heat and cool of the spa. I felt refreshed but that soon went sour last night.  I dont know why certain people want me to think certain thoughts I do not want. Not welcome.  Problem is it went on all day.
 
 
15th May 2010
Can you believe it? Its saturday today. Last time I was on this blog was more than a week ago already. I remember I had been talking about that awful day I had that awful dream and awful feeling.  I had told my friend. Fact is that night before I had gone to sleep,  I  had had a chat with that my friend.  Our conversation got naughty, it never had before. He was funny for when I told him the next time we spoke how I was feeling, he was funny himself and said 'maybe its something to do with what we said'??  Funny funny can something we said make me dream a nightmare. Well last night when I got home and move things around, I brought out the moses basket I always kept for three years, I cant believe it three years has passed,  in its packaging for what I was doing because it was really pretty. I wasnt sure what part I had be using it for, but last night it was out in the gentle dimness of the room. Now I have brought it out I dont think it would always look that pretty. Now I am going to get ready and go to where I always go to every/most saturday and sometimes on a sunday recently.  I like the fact that I always receive freebie gifts of sometimes roses, and sometimes different sorts such as bunches of lilys etc from two men that sell it near there whenever I am done and get ready to go home, but only on saturdays and sundays they give this way.  I wonder why. They have never spoken a word to me on a weekday.  Must be something to do with the fact its weekend anyway.  The first one they gave me a month ago was lots of large long lilys bunch. They were selling those for 25 UK pounds a bunch. I didnt know that, I thought they were 5 UK pounds a bunch and told them I had only take a few. They had left over 10 asking me to take them. What are my gonna do with so many in my bedroom? Thats how we started. I have been having to change them every week anyway,and they smell not pleasant when decay.  Sometimes I watch petals fall from the window sills sometimes to my bed. So its nice they do this every saturday or sunday when we meet. They have been doing this for more than one month now, but only every weekend. They took me by surprise when they first did so. But I always say hello because of it and then they give me gift but last week they did not include the 25 pound ones.  I asked why and they said 'its expensive'. That was when I looked at the price for the first time.  Problem is I had got used to those.  Must be the fact I put my book titled 'language of flowers' and put it at the head of my bed last month. I had taken it from my mum. Its only an old book for I could not even understand what it was saying to an extent, or rather its way of saying is not modern for this day. Infact I should scan a page of it and paste it.  Began thinking of removing it from there on wedsday night, but when I came back from the spa after my course, everything there was full of beautiful plants where I did that,  so I changed my mind. I had passed that part this week because I had accurately prepared my plot of land, it was good work in the sun, but everyone else did theirs too, and I also raked the soil, and planted what we all planted well. I was happy when I came home after going to the spa from there. It was lovely feeling yet ahh.  It was nice day maybe afterall. But the days are rushing and I dont know what to do.  I dont like that.
Its good for my soul doing them things.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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